In relationships marked by coercive control and domestic abuse, privacy and personal boundaries are systematically dismantled by the abuser. This behavior may manifest as reading personal journals, opening mail, checking phones or social media accounts, eavesdropping on phone calls, or even refusing to allow their partner to use the bathroom with the door closed. These actions are not just violations of personal space; they are intentional strategies to assert dominance, erode autonomy, and instill fear.
By invading privacy, abusers establish a sense of ownership over their partner’s life. In many cases, this behavior stems from jealousy and possessiveness, with abusers using their suspicion as a justification to monitor and control their partner’s life.
The Erosion of Privacy as a Tool in Coercive Control
Privacy is a fundamental human right, but in abusive relationships, it becomes a luxury denied to the victim. Abusers often try to justify their actions with claims of mistrust or care and concern for their partner’s well-being, but the underlying motive is always control.
One survivor shared, “He didn’t want to put a lock on the bathroom door, so he’d come in any time he wanted.” Another had a similar experience: “Even when I locked the bathroom door for privacy, he’d unlock it from the outside, barge in, and act like I was hiding something.” These invasions of privacy leave victims feeling as though no aspect of their life is truly their own.
One woman described how her husband would routinely rifle through her belongings: “He’d rummage through my handbag whenever he felt like it, without even giving a reason for what he was looking for. It wasn’t that I had anything to hide, but it felt like such a violation of my personal things. I started leaving my bag in my car just to avoid the anxiety of seeing him go through it.”
Abusers position themselves as omnipresent figures in their partner’s life. This fosters a sense of helplessness in the victim, who begins to believe they have no safe space away from their prying eyes and judgment.
Constant Surveillance and Monitoring
Survivors frequently describe feeling like they were under constant surveillance. Some abusers demand passwords to phones and online accounts, track their partner’s location, or even set up surveillance devices.
“I had to provide proof of where I was at all times,” one survivor explained. “If I went to the gym, I had to show the time I clocked in and out. If I didn’t answer his call immediately, he’d accuse me of cheating.”
Another survivor recounted, “He set up all my passwords and connected my phone to his computer. I caught him regularly going through my messages.”
A male survivor shared his experience, saying, “Every time I was on the phone, she’d stand outside the door and listen in. I’ve always been loyal and faithful, so I never understood why she was so suspicious all the time. It felt like I never had my own space, not even to have a simple conversation.”
This level of monitoring isolates victims and keeps them in a constant state of vigilance. The message is clear: there is no escape, no privacy, and no room for autonomy. By eroding their partner’s boundaries, abusers tighten their grip and reinforce a dynamic of control and domination.
Reading Journals and Controlling Communication
Abusers often weaponize the victim’s own thoughts and feelings against them by reading personal journals or diaries – even personal reflections are fair game for perpetrators. This deeply invasive act strips victims of the ability to privately process their emotions or experiences.
“I woke up one Saturday morning to an enraged husband who literally threw a notebook at me,” one survivor shared. “He’d been reading my diary. A passage about how fun it was to work with a new hire at work—a man—apparently tripped a wire with him.”
Abusers also exert control over communication. They may intercept mail, eavesdrop on phone calls, or demand access to every text message. “He’d take all the mail from the letterbox to his office and open mine,” a survivor recounted. “He’d read all my WhatsApp messages, including ones from my mother, and would wake me up in the middle of the night questioning me about what I’d posted online.”
The constant scrutiny forces victims to self-censor and live in fear of saying or doing anything that might provoke their abuser’s anger.
Isolation Through Invasion of Boundaries
By denying privacy, abusers create an environment where victims feel completely exposed and powerless. This often goes hand in hand with social isolation.
One survivor explained how her abuser would sabotage her efforts to maintain connections with others: “He drove across the city to a ladies-only event because I didn’t answer my phone for 15 minutes. When I got home, he accused me of doing things I hadn’t done.”
Another survivor shared, “He’d offer to drive me everywhere but wouldn’t turn up when it was time to pick me up, leaving me stranded. If I accepted a lift from someone else, he’d accuse me of cheating.”
These tactics ensure that victims remain dependent on the abuser and afraid to seek help from friends or family.
The Psychological Impact of Privacy Violations
The impact of privacy violations in abusive relationships extends far beyond mere annoyance or inconvenience. These invasive acts strike at the core of a person’s identity, undermining their sense of self, autonomy, and safety.
“I started to believe I didn’t deserve privacy,” one survivor shared. “If I tried to push back, he’d tell me I had no right to secrets in his house. Eventually, I just stopped trying.”
The cumulative effect of such invasions fosters a sense of hypervigilance. Victims may feel as though they are never truly alone, even when the abuser isn’t physically present. “He didn’t need to be in the room to make me feel watched,” one survivor explained. “I stopped writing in journals and avoided talking on the phone because I knew he’d find a way to listen or read what I’d said.”
Feelings of paranoia often linger long after the relationship ends. Individuals report being unable to trust others, fearing judgment or further violations. One survivor recounted, “Even after I left, I couldn’t shake the feeling that someone was watching me. I’d triple-check that my phone was locked and hide my mail in drawers.”
Another woman captured this struggle: “I had to relearn that it’s okay to have parts of my life that are mine alone. It’s not selfish to want privacy—it’s human. But after years of being told otherwise, it takes time to believe it.”
For many, reclaiming privacy becomes a critical part of healing. Small acts, such as locking a door or keeping a journal, represent significant steps toward rebuilding autonomy. Yet, the journey is not without its challenges. Survivors must confront the psychological damage left by the abuser, learning to trust themselves and others again.
The Relief of Reclaiming Privacy
Reclaiming privacy and boundaries is a critical step in healing from an abusive relationship. Survivors often describe the profound relief that comes with regaining control over their personal space.
One survivor shared, “It wasn’t until I left that I realized how much I’d lost. The simple act of locking the bathroom door felt like a victory.”
Breaking free from coercive control requires understanding the tactics abusers use and recognizing that these invasions of privacy are not normal or acceptable. Therapy, support groups, and education about abuse dynamics can help survivors rebuild their sense of self and re-establish healthy boundaries.
Featured Image: Ignoring boundaries and invading privacy are common in relationships marked by coercive control. Source: DC Studio / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
