Abuse doesn’t just leave bruises—it reshapes the way survivors think. In order to make it through life under constant emotional threat, many victims develop internal narratives that help them minimize, justify, or endure the harm. These thoughts may feel like necessary survival strategies at the time, but later, they often become barriers to healing. Understanding how abuse victims cope requires looking at these beliefs not as flaws, but as tools that helped them survive when survival felt like the only option.
This is what it looks like inside the mind of someone trying to make sense of abuse. These thoughts may have provided temporary comfort, but over time, they can keep survivors stuck in patterns that no longer serve them.
“It’s Not That Bad”
A common way abuse victims cope is by downplaying their experience. Telling yourself that “it’s not that bad” becomes a way to endure the pain without fully facing its magnitude. If it feels manageable, maybe it won’t hurt as much. Maybe it will pass.
“I remember thinking (I still do), ‘Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’m remembering it wrong. Maybe I’m exaggerating,’” one survivor shared. “It makes you go back thinking you were being ridiculous, and the wheel resets.”
Another said, “Too long. I kept thinking, ‘This is just the hard work of marriage,’ without realizing it was simply abuse.”
This minimization often mirrors what survivors hear from others—or from the abuser, who may label them as dramatic or overly sensitive. It’s a method of survival that can delay recognition of the full extent of the harm.
“If I Just Try Harder…”
One of the ways abuse victims cope is by focusing on self-blame. Instead of recognizing the harm as someone else’s responsibility, they try to fix themselves. Be more loving. Less emotional. More patient. The hope is that these changes will stop the abuse.
One survivor wrote, “For 30 years I kept thinking if I just did better or acted differently, it would change—until I realized this year it’s never going to change.”
Another echoed, “I used to think it was my fault. That I needed to be the bigger person and detach from my ego. That maybe when he told me I was grandiose, he was right.”
This form of coping offers a sense of control in an uncontrollable situation. But the focus on self-correction obscures the real issue: the abuse.
“They’re Not Always Like This”
Abuse often comes in waves—punctuated by apologies, affection, or rare moments of calm. This inconsistency is how abuse victims cope: by holding on to the “good times” and telling themselves the rest is temporary or not as important.
“That’s what made it so hard to leave,” one survivor said. “If they were horrible all the time, you wouldn’t stay. But it’s the intermittent reinforcement that keeps you stuck.”
Another shared, “We hang on to the crumbs of the nice parts, believing that’s their true self—and maybe they’ll improve.”
These glimpses of kindness make leaving harder. It’s easy to confuse brief warmth with genuine love, and to stay in hope that the “real” version of the person will reappear.
“They’re Just Stressed”
Another way abuse victims cope is by explaining away harmful behavior. Stress, trauma, addiction, or past hardships become the reasons behind the abuser’s cruelty. Shifting the blame can help survivors make sense of the chaos.
“He must have really been upset when he got fired from his job,” one survivor recalled someone saying to her—as if that justified the abuse.
Another wrote, “At first he played my heartstrings. Told me no one in his family loved him, that he was abused as a kid, suffered severe PTSD from the military. Then when his fake tears and victim mentality stopped working… he threatened to kill my parents.”
Compassion is a strength, but when it’s manipulated, it becomes a liability. In trying to understand their partner’s pain, survivors often overlook their own.
“I’m the One Who’s Broken”
Internalized blame is a powerful way abuse victims cope. Over time, many begin to believe the abuse is happening because something is wrong with them—that they’re too needy, too emotional, or just not enough.
“We completely rely on them,” one person shared. “Put all our trust in them, assuming they know best, while we make ourselves smaller… constantly wondering what is wrong with us.”
Another said, “I became a mess because the real me kept fighting from deep within. At least now he’s just a weaker voice in my head.”
These beliefs are often reinforced over time by manipulation, criticism, and isolation. They erode self-worth and make it harder to imagine life without the abuser.
“I Just Need to Be Stronger”
Endurance is often praised—but for abuse victims, strength can become a mask. The belief that you have to stay strong at all costs can prevent asking for help or acknowledging the reality of the abuse.
“I thought I was strong,” one survivor said. “I kept telling myself that my wife simply had some ‘issues’ that could be overcome.”
Another echoed, “I told myself I was just being too emotional. That I was making things worse by complaining. I thought being strong meant staying silent.”
Real strength isn’t staying in harm’s way—it’s recognizing the harm, and choosing something different.
Rewriting the Inner Narrative
These inner stories aren’t signs of weakness—they’re signs of survival. They helped abuse victims cope in unbearable situations. But once the threat has passed, they may stand in the way of healing.
With time, reflection, and support, survivors can learn to reframe these beliefs. They can begin to tell themselves, “It wasn’t my fault. It’s okay to feel what I feel. I’m not broken—I’m healing. I deserved better.”
Understanding how abuse victims cope sheds light on just how much strength it takes to endure, and how much courage it takes to unlearn those survival patterns and embrace a new story.
Featured image: How abuse victims cope. Source: wayhome.studio / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
