Double standards occur when unequal rules and expectations are unfairly imposed on someone. In abusive relationships, double standards are more than just unfair—they’re a powerful tool for control and manipulation, used to reinforce the abuser’s dominance and diminish their partner’s autonomy.
Double Standards and Abuse: A Tool of Control
In abusive relationships, perpetrators often impose a different set of standards on their partner than they do on themselves. By enforcing unfair rules and expectations, they seek to manipulate, dominate, and coerce their partner. This behavior stems from a combination of personal biases, past experiences, and a deeply ingrained sense of entitlement rooted in their abusive attitudes.
Abusers leverage both societal norms and personal beliefs to shift the rules in their favor while eroding their partner’s autonomy. These double standards can manifest in various ways, serving as powerful tools for gaslighting, manipulation, and emotional abuse.
Recognizing Double Standards
If you suspect your partner might be using double standards to exert control, it’s important to pay attention to the patterns in your relationship closely. Recognizing the signs early on can help you understand whether these unequal expectations are being used to undermine your autonomy.
Unequal Responsibilities
If you find yourself responsible for most of the household chores while your partner shows little concern, it could be a sign that they’re enforcing double standards. For instance, if you’re a woman expected to manage chores, childcare, or emotional labor on your own, and your male partner dismisses your concerns by saying, “that’s just your job,” he’s using patriarchal stereotypes to excuse his lack of participation. This creates an unfair imbalance and places the burden of responsibility solely on you.
Dismissal of Your Needs
Your partner may completely dismiss your emotional needs but expect your utmost attention to their own. For instance, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and ask to talk about it, they may say something like, “You’re overreacting, just get over it”, yet get angry if you don’t immediately console them over something trivial. This type of double standard can erode your self-esteem and leave you feeling as though your emotions aren’t valid or important.
Lack of Accountability
Abusers often use double standards as a way to avoid accountability, setting different rules for themselves than they do for their partners in order to escape responsibility for their actions. For instance, an abuser might lash out and refuse to apologize, yet expect you to apologize for the smallest mistake. By enforcing these one-sided rules, they maintain control without having to face the consequences of their behavior. This manipulation not only reinforces their power but also leaves you feeling confused and guilty, which ultimately makes it easier for them to continue their harmful patterns.
Unequal Social Standards
Abusers often use double standards to control how their partner spends their leisure time. For example, they may criticize or get annoyed if you want to go out with friends, even though they regularly spend weekends at bars or socializing. By holding you to different standards, they impose an unfair set of expectations designed to restrict your freedom while allowing themselves more leeway. This creates a controlling dynamic where your choices are constantly scrutinized, reinforcing their power and limiting your autonomy.
Financial Disparities
Controlling partners often apply double standards when it comes to managing finances. They may freely spend money on unnecessary items or indulgences but criticize you for treating yourself, using comments like, “I thought we were saving for a new car,” to guilt-trip you. While you might be mindful of your spending and focused on saving, they feel entitled to splurge without accountability. This financial hypocrisy not only creates tension but also reinforces their control over the situation, making you feel guilty or selfish for wanting to spend on yourself. Ultimately, this manipulation serves to undermine your financial autonomy and place the power firmly in their hands.
Dominating Decisions
A partner who dominates decisions often enforces double standards that grant them more authority in the relationship. This behavior can manifest in small ways, like insisting on where to eat or deciding whether to stay out longer. Over time, you may hold back your preferences out of fear of triggering their anger, which only deepens the power imbalance.
On a larger scale, they might make significant decisions, such as where you live or how your finances are managed, without consulting you or valuing your opinion. During disagreements, they may dismiss your concerns with statements like, “I know what’s best for us,” further enforcing the double standard that their opinions matter more than yours. This effectively silences you, making you feel unheard and insignificant. Such patterns are not just dismissive—they are a form of control that denies your right to have an equal say in your own life and relationship.
Double Standards in Intimacy
In relationships marked by abuse and double standards, intimacy and conversations around sex can become deeply toxic and manipulative. A male partner may harshly criticize or shame you for your past sexual experiences while holding himself to a completely different standard, even if his own sexual history is more extensive. This mentality reflects a misogynistic belief that women’s worth is tied to their sexual past—a notion recently amplified by harmful influencers like Andrew Tate, who perpetuate sexist narratives about women losing value based on their sexual choices.
Furthermore, an abuser may demand constant availability for intimacy while using the withdrawal of affection as a form of punishment if you don’t meet their expectations. This type of control not only disregards your desires and boundaries but also creates an environment where your autonomy is continually undermined, leaving you feeling powerless and devalued.
Taking Steps Toward Healthier Relationships
Double standards in abusive relationships aren’t just unfair—they’re a deliberate tactic used to establish and maintain control. Addressing this issue requires acknowledging how these double standards are embedded not only in individual relationships but also within broader societal norms. By understanding the true impact of these unequal expectations, we can better recognize abusive dynamics and advocate for fair treatment in all relationships. Breaking free from these patterns starts with challenging the justifications and rationalizations that make double standards seem acceptable.
References
Amber, Kate. #DoubleStandards – Double Standards & Coercive Control (2023). ECCUSA.
Chan, Katherine (2023). Double Standards: How to Identify and Avoid Them in Relationships. Verywellmind
Featured image: Double standards are common in abusive relationships. Source: ronstik / Adobe Stock.
