Double standards are a hallmark of controlling relationships, creating a dynamic where one person enforces contradictory and unfair rules to maintain dominance. These tactics leave their partner grappling with the emotional strain of living under a system designed to undermine them. In this article, survivors share their experiences of navigating double standards, revealing the deep frustration, confusion, and pain they endured.
One-Sided Rules That Serve Only the Abuser
In controlling relationships, the rules are always skewed in favor of the abuser. Their partner is expected to meet impossible expectations while the abuser feels entitled to act however they want without explanation or consequence.
- “He would get so angry if he had to wait at the curb at the airport for a few minutes. But it was OK if I had to circle the airport over and over before he was at the curb for pickup.”
- “I had to communicate better, yet they sucked at communication. I had to do so much for them, yet the couple things I asked for weren’t even acknowledged or considered.”
- “He could go anywhere without telling me, yet I would have to disclose every place I was going to and while I was there.”
Living with these double standards is exhausting. One person feels trapped in a cycle of constantly striving to meet impossible demands, while the other blatantly ignores the very rules they enforce. It’s a dynamic designed to strip away autonomy and leave one partner feeling powerless.
Money as a Tool for Control
Finances often become a weapon in controlling relationships. Abusers tightly manage money, granting themselves financial freedom while denying their partner even the smallest financial independence.
- “His money was his money. My money was our money.”
- “When married, my now ex-husband said his bonus was only for himself and not for joint purchases or expenses. Then when I got a bonus, I spent it on myself… and he was furious! But it was his stated policy!”
- “He had ‘budgets’ for his free time. He didn’t even allow provisional sums for clothing or hobbies for me and the children.”
By controlling every aspect of the household finances, abusers reinforce dependency. This financial stranglehold keeps their partner stuck, unable to regain their independence or establish a way out.
Restricting Social Freedoms
Isolation is another way abusers use double standards to maintain control. While they enjoy unrestricted social lives, their partners are placed under tight rules about who they can see and how often.
- “He could keep in contact with any female from his past, including ones he had been intimate with. I had to stop all communication and delete any male who was not related to me, even lifelong friends.”
- “I wasn’t allowed to look at any of his social media without it starting a fight, while he had people screenshotting mine for him.”
This kind of control not only isolates but creates an environment of fear and guilt. One partner is left feeling cut off from their support network while the abuser freely engages with others without restriction.
Fidelity Rules That Don’t Apply to Both
Double standards around fidelity are one of the most painful aspects of controlling relationships. Often, one partner is held to impossible standards of loyalty while the abuser feels entitled to act however they want.
- “I can barely speak to any woman without being accused of adultery. Yet she failed to accept my exasperation when listening to her telling me how she and a male colleague had thoroughly enjoyed the spa facilities on a recent overnight business trip together!”
- “He was mid-affair with a woman in the UK. I was trying to work out if I should stay or go, so I asked if he still wanted me. He said he did. Then he took me for a drive and asked me not to see any other men.”
These contradictions are devastating, undermining trust and leaving one partner constantly questioning themselves while the abuser disregards the very rules they enforce.
Parenting: A One-Way Street
Parenting responsibilities often become another arena for manipulation. Controlling partners create parenting rules that suit their needs while severely limiting their partner’s ability to parent freely.
- “I can take our daughter to get ice cream; you cannot.”
- “ He could interact with his family as much as he wanted, but I wasn’t allowed to see my dad, and he was always watching and eavesdropping whenever my mom visited. His family could use our home as if it were their own—for example, his stepmom could wash her clothes when they visited. However, my mother, who was helping me after my C-section, wasn’t allowed to use the washing machine to wash her clothes.”
These manipulative tactics disrupt family harmony and often drive a wedge between the children and the safe parent, leaving everyone caught in the abuser’s web of control.
Everyday Contradictions
Double standards often creep into even the smallest, most mundane parts of daily life, creating a constant reminder of who holds the power.
- “Not allowed music on if we were all in the car. But if he went out, he had it blaring the minute he turned the key—full volume, letting me know he was in charge.”
- “You better be there the exact moment they need you, but you have to wait on them at their earliest convenience.”
- “He would yell, but I couldn’t raise my voice.”
These constant, everyday imbalances erode a person’s sense of self, leaving them feeling small, silenced, and entirely controlled.
Projection and Paranoia
Projection is another common tactic in controlling relationships. Abusers deflect responsibility for their own actions by accusing their partner of behaviors they themselves are guilty of.
- “Having conversations with other people—he would freak out if he wasn’t privy. It automatically became a cheating scenario… regardless of the sex of the other person. It was insecurities and projection.”
- “He could hook up in hotel rooms. I couldn’t even text with the opposite sex without getting punched in the head.”
This blame-shifting keeps the partner on the defensive, constantly justifying their actions while the abuser avoids accountability.
Recognizing Double Standards in Abusive Relationships
Realizing the double standards in controlling relationships is a critical step toward reclaiming autonomy. Many individuals describe moments of clarity when they saw the contradictions for what they truly were.
These rules were never about fairness or respect—they were about power. Once you understand this, it can be painful, but it’s also the first step toward breaking free. Healing takes time, but it is possible to rebuild a life of respect, equality, and freedom from control.
Featured Image: Double standards are common in controlling and abusive relationships. Source: Jesse Bettencourt/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
