Marriage, often revered as a sacred bond of love, respect, and mutual support, can sometimes become a cage for those trapped in the cycle of abuse. For many women, the decision to leave an abusive marriage is not merely a matter of recognizing the toxicity they endure. It is complicated by deeply ingrained beliefs about commitment, particularly within religious communities where divorce is frowned upon. This article explores the complex dynamics of abuse within the context of marriage vows. How does religion and cultural beliefs influence the decision to leave?
Marriage Vows and Abuse
For many, marriage vows are seen as an unbreakable contract, a lifelong commitment that must be upheld regardless of the circumstances. This perception is often reinforced by cultural and religious teachings that promote the sanctity of marriage at all costs. Marriage vows are a commitment to love and cherish, but when abuse enters the relationship, it breaks the sacred trust those religious vows represent. Psychologists like Dr. Judith Herman, in her work ‘Trauma and Recovery,’ suggest that the societal pressure to maintain the facade of a perfect marriage can significantly hinder a victim’s ability to leave an abusive relationship. Victims may feel they are betraying not just their partner but also their community and their faith by considering divorce.
Many women struggle with feelings of failure for not being able to make the marriage work. They feel ashamed for breaking their marriage vows and not being able to stick it out “in good times and bad”. The stigma attached to divorce, especially in religious communities, exacerbates these feelings of shame. It makes it even more challenging for victims to seek help and choose safety over the expectations of others.
Religious Teachings and Societal Perceptions
In many religious contexts, divorce is portrayed as a failure or sin, leading women to endure abusive relationships under the guise of marital commitment. Dr. Lenore Walker, known for her groundbreaking work ‘The Battered Woman Syndrome,’ highlights how religious counseling often emphasizes forgiveness and patience over personal safety and mental health. This can create a conflict where the victim feels compelled to stay, believing that enduring abuse is somehow noble or required by their faith.
David Hawkins, author of ‘When Loving Him is Hurting You’ and a trainer for the American Association of Christian Counselors, brings to light how the Church can inadvertently perpetuate a woman’s endurance of abuse. He argues that the Church often advises women to submit and to pray. This advice is given even when they are facing an extremely dangerous situation. However, Hawkins points out that Scripture does not condone abuse in any form. He references 1 Corinthians 13, which reads that love “does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…It always protects” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
Psychological Impact of Staying in an Abusive Marriage
The psychological toll on women who remain in abusive marriages, believing they are fulfilling a marital or religious duty, can be devastating. Studies show that prolonged exposure to abuse can lead to chronic mental health issues. These include, depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Abuse, for some, can be a matter of life or death.
Dr. Bancroft, in ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,’ addresses the insidious ways abusers manipulate and isolate their partners into believing that leaving is not an option. This further entrenches the notion that abuse must be endured for the sake of the marriage. Many survivors of domestic abuse struggle with the decision to leave their spouse, as it can feel like a betrayal of their marriage vows. However, prioritizing personal safety and well-being is crucial, as marriage vows were never intended to condone or trap someone in an abusive situation.
Marriage is a partnership that should provide safety, love, and respect. The decision to leave an abusive marriage, while difficult, especially within the constraints of religious and societal expectations, is a courageous step towards reclaiming autonomy and well-being. It is crucial for communities, religious leaders, and society at large to support those facing such predicaments, ensuring they do not stand alone in their journey towards safety and healing. The vow of marriage should never be misconstrued as a vow to endure abuse.
References
Bancroft, L. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.
Hawkins, D. (2017). When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing with Narcissism and Emotional Abuse. Harvest House Publishers.
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
Walker, L. E. (1979). The Battered Woman Syndrome. Springer Publishing Company.
