Surviving domestic abuse is an incredibly difficult journey, and those who have walked this path often have wisdom to share. For many, escaping abuse isn’t just about physically leaving—it’s about unlearning the patterns of control and manipulation that became a part of daily life. Here, domestic abuse survivors share their advice and offer these important lessons based on their own experiences.
Trust Your Gut and Listen to Your Body
One of the most consistent pieces of advice from survivors is to trust your instincts. Often, our bodies give us signals that something is wrong before we consciously realize it.
“Trust your guts. Never ignore that uncomfortable feeling your body gives you. Your body can tell you if you’re unsafe. Women have this wonderful sense for a reason. If you feel butterflies in your stomach, be vigilant and don’t question why—just stay away. That feeling is telling you it’s not safe to be around that person.”
This intuition can manifest early in a relationship, even in the form of seemingly small signs. Survivors urge others to listen to those feelings and take them seriously before the situation escalates.
Pay Attention to How People React to Your Success
Abusers often reveal themselves by how they react to your happiness or success. If they feel threatened by your accomplishments or try to undermine your confidence, that’s a clear red flag.
“Observe how a person reacts when you share events from your life. Are they happy and excited for you? If so, that’s a green flag. But if they discourage you, question your decisions, or seem unhappy about your achievements, that’s a red flag.”
Another warning sign is when your partner downplays your accomplishments or makes sarcastic comments about your success. “If they try to chip away at your confidence, they’re likely trying to exert control. A supportive partner will celebrate your wins, not make you feel undeserving.” These subtle behaviors can be easy to overlook at first but are often indicators of deeper manipulation.
Boundaries Are Crucial—Pay Attention to Reactions
Setting boundaries is an essential part of any healthy relationship. Survivors advise that how someone reacts to those boundaries says a lot about their character.
“Setting boundaries is okay, and they protect you. Watch how someone responds when you say no or express a boundary. If they try to push back or guilt you, that’s a major warning sign.”
Abusers often show their true colors when faced with boundaries, as they thrive on control. Their inability to respect your limits can reveal their manipulative tendencies.
Watch Out for Isolation Techniques
Isolation is a common tactic used by abusers to cut their victims off from support systems, making it easier to control them. Survivors emphasize the importance of maintaining connections with friends, family, and coworkers, no matter how much your partner tries to distance you from them.
“Abusers use isolation techniques, either by outright forbidding you from seeing others or making you feel guilty for spending time away from them. They want to be the only person you turn to so they can control your perspective.”
Another survivor advises, “If you notice that your partner consistently criticizes your friends or family, or they start complaining every time you make plans, that’s a major red flag. Slowly, they’ll make you feel like they’re the only one who truly understands you.” This gradual separation from loved ones can make you feel trapped and dependent on the abuser, which is exactly what they want.
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Beware of Manipulative Emotional Tactics
Manipulation is at the core of abusive relationships, and survivors warn that it can be subtle at first. Whether it’s guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or controlling behavior disguised as care, manipulation often starts small and grows over time.
“My abuser made playful jokes, but he was the only one laughing. Over time, those ‘jokes’ became insults aimed at tearing down my self-esteem. It’s subtle, but if you don’t resist it, they’ll keep pushing the boundaries until you lose yourself.”
Another survivor advises, “Be cautious of partners who twist things to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotions. Statements like, ‘You made me do this,’ or, ‘I wouldn’t be this way if you didn’t…’ are manipulation tactics designed to shift blame and keep you walking on eggshells.” These subtle tactics can erode your confidence and sense of reality over time.
Look for Hot-and-Cold Behavior
Abusers often employ hot-and-cold behavior to condition their victims into compliance. This back-and-forth between affection and cruelty creates a trauma bond, making it harder to leave.
“They’ll give you the silent treatment when you set a boundary, only to later open back up, creating a cycle of despair and relief. It makes you feel like you’re constantly on edge, waiting for the next outburst.” This inconsistency can keep victims trapped, hoping the “good times” will return, only for the abuse to resurface once they let their guard down.
Another survivor advises, “Don’t mistake the ‘good moments’ for a turning point. Abusers know when to turn on the charm just enough to keep you from leaving. It’s a pattern of reward and punishment designed to keep you hooked, always hoping things will improve.”
Recognizing this cycle of manipulation is key to breaking free from the emotional trap.
Financial Independence Is Critical
One of the most practical pieces of advice survivors offer is the importance of financial independence. Having your own resources can be a lifeline if you need to leave an abusive situation.
“Make sure to have savings and a community you can turn to. If you ever need to leave, you should be able to do so at least financially. Don’t rely entirely on your partner for everything.”
Abusers often control finances as a way to maintain dominance, so having your own money can give you the freedom to make decisions without fear of losing everything.
Jealousy and Control Are Never About Love
Survivors want others to understand that obsessive jealousy and controlling behavior are not signs of love—they’re red flags. Abusers often disguise their need for control as care or concern, but it’s really about limiting your freedom.
“One of the biggest signs was the obsessive jealousy. It went from being ‘concerned’ about my safety to controlling who I could talk to and where I could go. It wasn’t love; it was control.”
If your partner is constantly demanding to know where you are or who you’re with, or if they try to control what you wear or how you act, that’s a sign of manipulation, not affection.
Learn to Trust Your Own Judgment Again
One of the hardest parts of healing from an abusive relationship is learning to trust yourself again. Many survivors struggle with this because abusers spend so much time convincing their victims that their feelings and perceptions are wrong.
“When your internal guide has been systematically tampered with, it’s an uphill battle to trust your own decisions. Be patient with yourself and give yourself grace as you rebuild that trust.”
Learning to trust yourself is a gradual process, but it’s essential for healing and moving forward.
You Are Not Obligated to Stay
Finally, survivors want others to know that you are never obligated to stay in a situation where you feel unsafe or unhappy, even if you’re married or have children.
“Being a wife does not mean you’re obligated to do things you don’t want to do. You have a right to your own autonomy, and you should never feel like you have to stay for the sake of appearances.”
Leaving is hard, but it’s often the best thing you can do for yourself—and sometimes, for your children. Many survivors regret staying as long as they did and want others to know that there’s no shame in leaving.
Final Thoughts
The advice from domestic abuse survivors is clear: trust your instincts, set boundaries, and don’t ignore the red flags. Abuse doesn’t always start with violence—it can begin with small manipulations, isolation, and emotional control. The earlier you recognize the signs, the sooner you can protect yourself. And if you’ve already experienced abuse, know that healing is possible. It takes time, patience, and support, but you can rebuild your life and learn to trust again.
Featured image: Domestic abuse survivor providing advice. Source: Cultura Creative / Adobe Stock.
