Leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly difficult and daunting task, fraught with a myriad of challenges. Victims of abuse often find themselves trapped in a cycle of manipulation, fear, and control, making it hard to see a way out.
The challenges are not just emotional but also practical—many victims face threats to their safety, financial instability, and nowhere to go. Often, abusers work to isolate their victims from their support networks, leaving them feeling utterly alone. The road to freedom can feel overwhelming, but it’s important to remember that you are not alone in this journey.
Survivors’ Wisdom on Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Survivors who have successfully navigated this treacherous path are uniquely positioned to offer guidance and support. These individuals know the challenges firsthand and have experienced the profound rewards that come from breaking free.
Many courageous individuals who have escaped abusive relationships have shared their wisdom on the Shadows of Control Facebook page, offering words of advice to those who are still trapped in situations they themselves once battled through.
Their experiences, shared openly and generously, provide hope and a roadmap to freedom for others who feel lost and powerless. They understand the fear, the doubt, and the pain, but they also know the strength it takes to leave and the peace that waits on the other side.
Practical Steps and Emotional Resilience: 20 Pieces of Advice
Here are their powerful words of advice.
1. Protect Your Identity and Self-Worth
“It’s better to lose them than to lose yourself just to try to please them. They are like an empty bucket full of holes; you can never please them no matter how much you pour into the relationship. Stop emptying your cup for them and make yourself whole again.”
2. Remember the Pain
“Write a list of every time they’ve hurt you, names they’ve called you, and the arguments they caused over nothing. These tend to be forgotten when you start to miss them. Allow yourself to miss them—that’s normal—but don’t ever go back.”
3. Take What You Can and Move Forward
“Take what you can and leave the rest. Even though it feels like it, you are NOT alone! There are people and resources out there. You can recover yourself, and that is the most important part. You can receive and have more than you can imagine. It is there for the taking when you are ready to walk towards it.”
4. Build a Support System
“Make sure you have a good support system. The more people who are willing to stand with you and beside you, the better and easier it will be to get through it.”
5. Believe in the Light Ahead
“You are beautiful, you are loved. There is light on the other side… It may be hard to see now, but you will make it. Believe me, you WILL.”
6. Strengthen Your Resolve
“Strengthen your resolve. DO NOT let them talk you out of leaving, no matter what.”
7. Stay Calm and Logical
“You can do this, and you’ll be so much happier. You can begin to truly heal once you’re out of the toxic environment. ‘Grey rock mode’ until you can get out. Stay calm and logical. Make a safety plan and get out ASAP!”
8. Don’t Look Back
“Move forward, and don’t turn around. Your future’s brighter. You’ve got no cage now. Work for your own happiness. There is not a single mask blocking your fresh air. Now breathe freely… Work for yourself!”
9. Keep Faith and Stay Strong
“Keep your head up, have faith, don’t look back. Stay strong—you’ve got this! Believe in yourself, pray, God loves you, and He will help you through your journey.”
10. Accept That It’s Okay Not to Be Okay
“It’s okay to not be okay. Let yourself feel what you’re feeling. Let loved ones help you. You may lose friends and family, but your decision is still better for your mental health.”
11. Find Inner Strength
“Stay strong and firm. You will find an inner strength and peace you never knew you were capable of. Realize that you are loved, and you just need to put yourself first. Love yourself, and the world will awaken to you. The path is hard at first, but that path takes you to a place you have only dreamed of—if you don’t turn back.”
12. Trust That It’s the Right Decision
“You will look back one day and realize this is one of the best decisions you ever made, I promise you. You might not think that way now, and you are probably full of doubt, confused, and scared, but just leave. Do it and don’t look back.”
13. Reinforce Your Decision
“Write a list of the worst experiences or events that compelled you to leave. Read it every time you are feeling sad, lonely, guilty, or being blamed—just to reinforce that you will never go back to living like that.”
14. Don’t Be Fooled by Manipulation
“Don’t allow their crocodile tears to fool you. If you’re at a point where you know it’s time to leave for your own safety, don’t question your need for survival. Once you get out, don’t look back. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t let yourself downplay the abuse that you know you went through. Your mind and emotions will be confusing at first. It takes a lot of willpower to leave and stay gone.”
15. Cut Off All Contact
“Leave and cut off all contact. When you start to miss who you thought they were, remember the gaslighting, manipulation, the lies—the things that made you feel worthless. When you have the strength to do the right thing for yourself, this is self-love, and it’s probably what’s been missing for most of the relationship. Find yourself again and set boundaries. You’ll know who has your back, and to the rest of them… let them go.”
16. Acknowledge the Good Times, but Remember the Bad
“There will be times you look back and reflect on good times. It’s OK to still miss them and those fun times because they were, at the time, fun, and your love for them was always real. The memories you made, the laughter you shared—those were real! But remember that the darker times were also real. Don’t let them distort your memories and perception of the happier days by only recalling those fun times. They may try to spoon-feed you manufactured memories to win you back, even if it’s only for their ego. DO NOT be fooled. They’ve never protected or cared for you; they’re not starting now. You will feel sad, you’ll feel a loss, and it is absolutely a grief process! You are burying what you thought you had and the mirage of the person you loved and trusted. But like any death, you will learn to go on living. I love the saying, ‘Don’t be ashamed of your scars. It only means you were stronger than what tried to kill you.'”
17. Be Ready for the Blame
“Be ready for the blame. It’s going to be something you want to defend yourself against but keep quiet. Let them show themselves for who they really are.”
18. Trust That It Will Get Better
“It might get worse before it gets better, but it will get better. I have never regretted my decision for a second.”
19. Leave Now
“Do it! Leave now and don’t look back. Do it for yourself. You don’t deserve to be abused in any way for any reason. Leave with only what you have on if you need to.”
20. Celebrate Your Strength
“You are being your strongest and bravest self for leaving an abusive relationship. I know it isn’t easy, but you are making it possible. Your strength will inspire someone else to put an end to their agony. You are making the most valuable decision in your life—to save yourself from trauma. You are wonderful, don’t ever forget that. You are wonderful!”
Key Takeaways
The advice from survivors offers both practical and emotional strategies for those seeking to escape abusive relationships. Many emphasize the importance of maintaining a clear perspective on the abuse by documenting hurtful moments, which helps counter the tendency to romanticize the past. Building a strong support system is also crucial, as leaving is not a journey to be faced alone.
Survivors often stress the importance of self-love and reclaiming one’s identity after enduring manipulation and control. They advocate for creating a safety plan, staying calm, and resisting the abuser’s manipulative tactics. Ultimately, their collective wisdom encourages moving forward with confidence, trusting in your strength, and believing in a brighter, abuse-free future.
Featured image: Advice on leaving an abusive relationship. Source: rocketclips / Adobe Stock.
