Leaving an abusive relationship means walking away from the person—but not always from the damage left behind. One of the most lasting effects of abuse isn’t just the mistreatment itself, but the damaging beliefs you begin to hold about yourself because of it. Long after the abuse ends, many survivors remain trapped by the lies they were told—and even more painfully, by the lies they started believing about themselves.
These aren’t fleeting words; they become deeply ingrained beliefs that shape how survivors view their self-worth, their future, and what they believe they deserve.
The Lie That You Are to Blame
Abuse often flourishes in confusion and secrecy. One of the most damaging tactics abusers use is convincing their partner that they are the problem. Through relentless gaslighting, manipulation, and criticism, many victims internalize the belief that the abuse was their own fault.
One survivor recalled, “I used to think it was my fault—that I needed to be the bigger person, detach from my ego. That maybe when he told me I was grandiose, he was right. That I needed to communicate better, and if I just said things right, he’d understand.”
Another shared, “I remember thinking (I still do), ‘Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’m remembering it wrong. Maybe I’m exaggerating.’ Makes you go back thinking you were being ridiculous, and the wheel resets.”
Even after finding freedom, these doubts continue. Survivors can remain caught in a painful mental loop, second-guessing their memories, doubting their decisions, and questioning whether they even have the right to feel angry.
The Lie That You’re Not Good Enough
When someone you love repeatedly tells you that you’re unlovable, worthless, or too much to handle, those words eventually take root. This is how abuse victims internalize lies about their worth, often walking away from the relationship carrying a shattered self-image shaped by years of humiliation and belittlement.
“My ex told me, ‘You’re a joke. You’re a kindergartner. Are you incompetent?’” one woman shared. “To our kids he said, ‘Your mother can’t understand how dumb she is.’ My self-esteem has been shattered.”
One male victim wrote, “She said, you’re a f*cking mad anxiety tablet junky. You’re a low-life no-mark. You’re gullible and naive. If we split up, you’ll be a miserable sad man. You’re a sad old bastard with no drive.”
Even after leaving the abusive situation, these cruel words linger. Many survivors struggle to believe they deserve love, happiness, or peace. And because the abuse was so personal and targeted, the lies often feel more believable than the truth.
The Lie That You’re Overreacting
A common pattern in abusive relationships is the constant accusation that the victim is “too sensitive” or “making a fuss over nothing.” This repeated dismissal of feelings leads many victims to distrust their own emotions—a key way that abuse victims internalize lies about their emotional responses.
“When I challenged his assumptions, he told me I didn’t know what I was talking about. That I was totally unreasonable, that I used convoluted, unnecessary arguments,” one survivor recalled. “He said we’re in a relationship, not a competition of intellect.”
Another added, “When other people praised me and I’d acknowledge it, he’d call me grandiose. Then he’d tell me I thought too highly of myself for someone who’s never done anything.”
Over time, survivors learn to silence their own needs and emotions—not because they lack clarity, but because they were conditioned to believe that expressing themselves would only lead to criticism and mockery.
The Lie That Real Love is Meant to Hurt
For many survivors, chaotic and conditional love was all they knew growing up. When they enter abusive relationships, this emotional turmoil feels strangely familiar. Pain becomes synonymous with love. Cruelty is followed by grand apologies and gifts, creating a damaging emotional cycle.
“It hurts because their perception isn’t true. But at the time it’s confusing. They say they love me, but why do they say such things?” one person wrote. “It must be true.”
Another said, “He tore down everything that made me who I am—until I didn’t even know what I really liked anymore. I used to hesitate when my new partner asked what I’d like to do, and I’d say, ‘Not sure.’ Because I didn’t know.”
When so-called love has long been entangled with fear, control, or punishment, it takes time—and often professional support—to separate the two. Part of healing is learning what healthy, reciprocal love truly feels like.
The Lie That You’ll Never Recover
Perhaps the most damaging belief abuse plants is that healing is out of reach. After years of being told they’re broken, difficult, or destined to fail, many survivors believe they’ll never overcome the damage—or be worthy of happiness again.
“I wasn’t allowed any independence or attempts to further my education,” one person shared. “I supported him in every way—drove him to work, taught him to drive, helped him build a career. But when I tried to learn or grow, I was told I wasn’t smart enough. That it was selfish.”
Another echoed, “He made me believe I’d never succeed. That I’d drop out again. That everything I tried was a waste of time. I still hear him telling me I’ll fail.”
These internalized lies can quietly shape the course of a survivor’s life if left unchallenged. But each small act of reclaiming independence—each boundary set and each step forward—weakens those lies and helps survivors rediscover their resilience.
Reclaiming the Truth
One of the hardest parts of recovery is letting go of the lies that once felt like truth. It’s not just about rejecting what the abuser said—it’s about rebuilding the pieces of your identity that were systematically broken down.
This process takes time, support, and a willingness to sit with discomfort while you question old beliefs. Above all, it takes self-compassion—for the version of you that didn’t know better and the version now bravely learning to live differently.
As one survivor put it, “At least now he’s just a weaker voice in my head.”
And another affirmed, “I have so much to give. Never, ever again in my life will I be treated as if I am nothing.”
Survivors don’t just walk away from abuse—they carry the hidden scars of every lie they were told and believed. But with every truth reclaimed, every boundary drawn, and every act of self-kindness, those lies lose their hold. You are not defined by what they said. You are defined by what you’re becoming.
Featured image: Unpacking the lies of abuse. Source: Vilius / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
