To the outside world, it often looks like everything is fine. Survivors of abuse become experts at appearing put together—going to work, raising children, laughing at jokes. But behind that smile, behind the carefully curated mask, something darker is happening. Life with an abuser is often a daily act of survival, where your body is present, but your spirit is shrinking.
One survivor put it this way: “I was smiling on the outside but dying on the inside.”
It’s often living in an invisible war zone—the quiet, relentless trauma of life with an abuser, and the emotional toll it takes when you can’t let the world see how bad it really is.
Living Two Lives
When you’re in an abusive relationship, there are always two versions of you: the one the world sees, and the one who knows the truth.
At work, with friends, or around family, you might appear competent, cheerful, and composed. But inside the home, it’s a different reality entirely—one full of walking on eggshells, managing their moods, and shrinking your needs to keep the peace.
“Most people thought I was doing great—I smiled, I laughed, I joined in,” one survivor shared. “But behind closed doors, I was walking on eggshells every second. No one saw that version of my life.”
Another wrote, “We were living in big houses surrounded by all this stuff, but I was as miserable as sin.”
You become a master of performance—telling yourself that if you just keep smiling, maybe it will all get better.
The Pressure to Pretend
Many survivors keep up the façade because they don’t want to be judged or because their abuser has convinced them no one will believe them. They may also try to hide the truth because they’re afraid of what will happen if they speak up.
Some people stay silent because their abusers are charming in public—kind, generous, attentive. That public persona makes it even harder for a victim of abuse to speak the truth.
“He is skilled at hiding who he’s been to me,” one woman said. “Pretending to be a great husband in front of others. But once we’re alone again, everything is all MY fault.”
Another survivor recalled, “To everyone else, he was kind, helpful, funny, thoughtful, and considerate. He was none of those things at home.”
So survivors often stay quiet. They become good at hiding the abuse. And they suffer alone.
The Emotional Toll of Hiding Abuse
Pretending everything is okay takes a huge emotional toll. Suppressing your fear, pain, and rage wears you down. It can lead to anxiety, depression, brain fog, dissociation, and even physical illness.
“I withdrew. Pushed everyone away. I had no idea who or if I could trust. I went from an optimist who went out regularly to being a hermit,” one survivor shared.
Another said, “My ex husband was abusive in every way. In the end he almost killed me. But his verbal abuse and isolation were almost worse. When I ended up in the ICU, I had no one left to call.”
This is what the world doesn’t see: the loneliness, the hypervigilance, and the psychological numbness that comes from hiding abuse and having to “hold it together” for so long.
When Your Identity Disappears
Over time, life with an abuser can make you forget who you are. You lose your voice, your confidence, your dreams. You begin to doubt your thoughts, your memories, and even your worth.
One individual said, “It’s so subtle we don’t see it happening until one day we realize everything that made us who we are is gone. And it takes so long to get it all back.”
Another reflected on how coercive control stripped away their identity, saying, “When people asked what I liked to do, I’d hesitate and say, ‘Not sure.’ Because I didn’t know anymore.”
Abuse is not always loud. Sometimes it is silent eroding a life—day by day, piece by piece, until all that remains is the shell of a person.
Fear Behind the Smile
Fear often lies behind a victim’s smile. Fear of doing the wrong thing. Fear of what will happen when you get home. Fear that today will be the day they finally go too far.
“When my hands shook when his number popped up on my phone,” one woman wrote, “that’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”
Another said, “He would turn up unannounced when I was out for coffee with friends. He’d just sit there not talking. I stopped going out of embarrassment.”
For many, the smile becomes armor—a way to protect themselves from suspicion, pity, or worse, retaliation.
Why People Don’t See It
It’s easy for outsiders to miss the signs of abuse. Survivors are often high-functioning. They raise children, hold jobs, host dinner parties, and play many of the normal social roles. But none of that means they’re okay.
One survivor explained, “I never missed a day of work, packed school lunches, and smiled through every conversation. No one knew I was crying in the shower just to make it through the morning.”
Another shared, “I became the one who always checked in on others, offered help, made people laugh. It was easier to focus on everyone else than face what was happening at home.”
This ability to keep going—to perform normalcy while silently suffering—is exactly what makes the pain so easy to overlook and so hard to talk about.
Finding Your Way Back from Life with an Abuser
For many survivors, the first real shift doesn’t happen with leaving the relationship—it begins when they stop hiding the truth. After months or years of smiling through pain and downplaying what’s really happening, one of the most powerful things a person can do is speak the words out loud.
Coming out of the shadows means letting someone in. It might be a trusted friend, a family member, or a professional—someone who will simply listen without judgment. That first conversation, no matter how brief or broken it feels, is a declaration: This is real. This is happening. I need help.
Talking about the abuse can feel terrifying at first. But speaking honestly allows survivors to name what they’ve been through. It begins to break the spell of minimisation, self-blame, and confusion. When you hear your own story spoken aloud, it becomes harder to deny the reality of it—and easier to see why you deserve more.
The act of opening up doesn’t just connect you to others—it reconnects you to yourself. It’s a step toward freedom, toward visibility, and toward reclaiming the parts of you that have been buried under silence and survival.
No one should have to carry this alone. And no one should have to keep pretending. Speaking your truth is not just brave—it’s how the healing begins.
Featured Image: The fear and pain of life with an abuser is often hidden behind fake smiles. Source: pathdoc/ Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
