Survivors of domestic abuse often face a second layer of harm after leaving their abuser—judgment and blame from others. Instead of receiving support and validation, they are met with questions like, “Why did you allow him to treat you like that?” or “Why didn’t you leave sooner?” Others make dismissive statements such as, “I would never have tolerated that,” or “He would have met an early grave if he dared to treat me like that.”
Victim-blaming is a widespread and deeply damaging response to abuse. It includes the belief that the victim provoked the abuse, could have prevented it by making different choices, or somehow “allowed” it to happen. These attitudes not only invalidate the survivor’s experience but also contribute to their trauma, making healing even harder.
But why do people blame victims instead of holding abusers accountable? The reasons are complex and often rooted in psychological biases, societal myths, and personal discomfort. Understanding these reasons can help us challenge victim-blaming attitudes and create a more supportive environment for survivors.
The Harmful Impact of Victim-Blaming
Victim-blaming is not just unfair—it is profoundly harmful. Instead of offering support, it shames and judges survivors, making them feel responsible for their own abuse. It minimizes and invalidates their experience, reinforcing the self-doubt that many already struggle with due to the manipulation they endured. Being blamed can also be re-traumatizing, forcing them to relive their pain without the validation or support they need to heal.
This kind of judgment adds to their isolation, making them feel like no one understands or believes them, which can discourage them from seeking help out of fear of being judged further. Victim-blaming also silences survivors, allowing abusers to continue unchecked, as it shifts the focus away from the abuser’s actions and onto the victim. The emotional toll of this blame can be severe, exacerbating mental health struggles such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and even suicidal thoughts.
For many survivors, escaping abuse is only the first battle—navigating the judgment, stigma, and misunderstanding that follow can be just as painful.
Why Do People Blame Domestic Abuse Victims?
There are many factors that contribute to victim-blaming. Here are some of the most common ones:
- The Need to Feel Safe and in Control – Many people like to believe they are in full control of their lives and that abuse only happens to those who “allow it” or make bad choices. Victim-blaming provides a false sense of security—it allows them to believe they are different, smarter, or stronger, and therefore immune to abuse. This illusion distances them from the unsettling reality that abusers are skilled manipulators who can entrap anyone, regardless of strength or intelligence.
- Myths and Stereotypes About Abuse – Many people have a narrow idea of what abuse looks like. They expect abusers to be obviously violent and victims to be weak and helpless. If a situation does not fit their expectations—such as a well-dressed, charming abuser or a strong, independent victim—they may struggle to believe it. These myths make it harder for people to recognize abuse when it happens, even in their own lives.
- Discomfort and Denial – When someone learns that a person they know and trust is an abuser, it creates extreme discomfort. It is much easier to believe that the victim is exaggerating, lying, or at fault than to accept that a friend, family member, or respected figure is capable of such harm. This denial protects their own sense of security but comes at the cost of further harming the survivor.
- The “Just-World” Bias – Psychologists describe the ‘just-world hypothesis’ as the belief that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. This mindset makes people assume that victims must have done something to deserve their abuse—because accepting that harm can happen randomly is too unsettling. In reality, abuse is never about what the victim did or did not do; it is about the abuser’s choice to harm.
- The Fundamental Attribution Error – This psychological bias causes people to blame an individual’s character for their situation rather than considering external circumstances. In the case of domestic abuse, people assume the victim stayed because they are weak, naive, or lacking self-respect, rather than recognizing the immense external pressures—such as financial dependence, isolation, or psychological manipulation—that kept them trapped.
- Hindsight Bias – After learning about an abusive situation, people tend to believe the warning signs should have been obvious. “She should have known,” or “Surely there were red flags there from the beginning.” This hindsight bias makes it seem like victims should have predicted and prevented the abuse when abusers actually do everything in their power to hide their true nature until the victim is deeply entangled.
- Lack of Empathy – Some people simply struggle to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They minimize emotional pain, dismiss others’ experiences, and assume that if they haven’t lived it, it must not be real. People with low empathy are more likely to say things like, “You should have known better,” instead of trying to understand how the victim was manipulated or trapped.
Victims Don’t “Allow” Abuse—They Endure It to Survive
One of the biggest misconceptions about abuse is that victims “allow” it to happen. This could not be further from the truth.
Survivors do not “tolerate” or “put up with” abuse—they endure it to survive. Abusers use coercive control to trap their victims, making it incredibly difficult to leave. Some of the many reasons survivors stay include:
- Financial dependence – Many victims have no money of their own, no access to accounts, and no way to support themselves if they leave.
- Lack of safe housing – Shelters are often full, and many victims have nowhere else to go.
- Isolation – Abusers cut their victims off from friends and family, making them feel completely alone.
- Psychological manipulation – Gaslighting, guilt, and emotional abuse make victims believe the situation is their fault or that things will get better.
- Fear – Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. Many victims fear severe retaliation, including violence or threats to their children.
Abuse is not just about physical harm—it is about power and control. The psychological chains of coercive control can be just as strong as physical ones, making escape incredibly difficult.
Blame the Abuser, Not the Victim
A victim is never responsible for the actions of their abuser. Instead of asking, “Why didn’t they leave?” we should be asking, “Why did the abuser trap them? How did they manipulate, isolate, and control them?”
Survivors deserve support, belief, and safety, not judgment. By challenging victim-blaming attitudes and shifting the focus onto abusers, we can create a world where survivors are empowered to heal, seek help, and reclaim their lives—without shame.
Featured Image: The reasons why people blame victims range from societal myths to psychological biases and personal discomfort. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock
