Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse that encompasses emotional manipulation, isolation, and other coercive and controlling behaviors. While coercive control has become a more recognized and studied form of abuse in heterosexual relationships, very little attention is given to it in the context of same-sex relationships. Misconceptions, societal biases, and unique challenges mean that those in the LGBT community often face additional barriers when seeking support.
Unique Challenges to Identifying Coercive Control in Same-Sex Relationships
Coercive control refers to a pattern of behaviors that isolate, manipulate, and dominate a person, stripping them of their autonomy. It is often invisible, making it difficult for outsiders to identify.
For same-sex couples, coercive control can be particularly insidious, as it may intertwine with issues around identity, societal acceptance, and internalized biases. The following are some of the unique challenges to identifying coercive control in same-sex relationships.
- Lack of Awareness and Resources: Many support services are tailored to heterosexual relationships, making it difficult for same-sex couples to find resources that address their experiences. Traditional support structures may unintentionally overlook the dynamics present in LGBTQ+ relationships, leading many to feel isolated or misunderstood.
- Internalized Homophobia and Shame: Internalized homophobia—negative feelings or beliefs toward one’s own sexual orientation—can be a factor that abusers exploit in same-sex relationships. An abuser may weaponize shame, suggesting that being in a same-sex relationship is wrong or that the victim deserves to be treated poorly. This can create a powerful barrier to seeking help, as people may feel their struggles are a result of their identity rather than the abuse they are enduring.
- ‘Mutual Abuse’ Misconception: A pervasive misconception is that conflict within same-sex relationships represents “mutual abuse.” This assumption arises partly because same-sex relationships involve partners of the same gender, which can lead outsiders to dismiss power imbalances or assume the abuse is reciprocal. This belief undermines the experiences of those suffering from coercive control, making it harder for them to receive appropriate support.
- Outing as a Manipulative Tool: In same-sex relationships, an abuser may leverage the threat of “outing” their partner to family, friends, or colleagues. This is especially impactful for individuals who are not openly LGBTQ+ or live in communities where acceptance is limited. The fear of being outed can be a powerful form of control, trapping individuals in silence and isolation.
- Shame about the ‘Failure’ of Their Relationship: Many same-sex victims will have fought hard to have their relationship accepted by family members or friends. So they then feel embarrassed, guilty, or ashamed to admit to the abuse, or fear backlash from them when they speak up about it.
Misconceptions About Coercive Control in Same-Sex Relationships
A common misconception is that abuse in same-sex relationships is somehow less severe or “just a phase.” This is particularly the case for females in same-sex relationships.
This stereotype trivializes the experience of victims and contributes to a lack of societal and institutional support. Abuse is abuse, regardless of the gender involved, and coercive control has severe emotional, psychological, and physical consequences.
Coercive control is often associated with traditional gender roles, where a male partner exerts dominance over a female partner. However, same-sex relationships are just as susceptible to power imbalances and control tactics, even if they manifest differently. This myth prevents individuals from recognizing their situation as abusive and makes it harder for others to provide appropriate support.
While many same-sex couples do share equal partnerships, the assumption that all LGBTQ+ relationships are inherently free from power struggles ignores the reality of the presence of abuse in these relationships. Assuming that equality naturally exists in same-sex relationships prevents both victims and society from recognizing coercive control when it occurs.
The Impact of Coercive Control on Same-Sex Couples
The effects of coercive control in same-sex relationships mirror those seen in heterosexual relationships—loss of autonomy, erosion of self-esteem, and increasing isolation. However, for LGBTQ+ individuals, there is often an added layer of fear, as seeking help may expose them to additional discrimination or judgment.
Many individuals fear facing bias or disbelief from law enforcement, therapists, or even friends and family members who may not understand or acknowledge the legitimacy of abuse within same-sex relationships.
“Over the past few years we have been engaging with the police, DoJ and other agencies to improve the support available for people within the LGBTQIA+ community who are victims of domestic abuse and help them understand the difficulties that people face when trying to come forward to report it or seek help,” said Cara McCann, Director of HERe Northern Ireland [via Belfast Live].
“There are little to no dedicated resources in order to help members of the LGBTQIA+ community who already face additional barriers when coming forward to highlight the abuse they face. This can often be from the historic distrust that remains within the LGBTQIA+ community regarding the police, but also from threats they can face from their abuser and the control that they may have over them.”
Offering Support
Educating the public about coercive control in same-sex relationships is crucial for breaking down harmful stereotypes and building empathy. Awareness campaigns, training programs for mental health professionals, and educational resources can all contribute to a more comprehensive understanding of abuse in LGBTQ+ relationships.
Allison Newey is leading the Here NI’s research into the impact of and prevalence of domestic abuse within the LGBTQIA+ community. She says, “As part of my research I am encouraging victims of domestic abuse to come forward and speak with me confidentially, and so far there has been a very strong response from people keen to raise awareness about an issue that is often invisible, not just to the authorities but to others within the LGBTQ+.”
For loved ones of LGBTQ+ individuals, fostering an environment of acceptance and understanding can make a significant difference. By offering nonjudgmental support and avoiding assumptions about the nature of same-sex relationships, loved ones can play a pivotal role in helping victims feel safe and supported. By acknowledging specific challenges and working to dismantle harmful stereotypes, society can offer better support to LGBTQ+ individuals facing abuse.
References
Barnes, R. (2021). Understanding Coercive Control in LGBTQ Relationships. Rainbow Health Ontario.
Brown, C. (2020). Coercive Control: Domestic Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships. Journal of LGBTQ Issues in Counseling, 14(3-4), 239-260.
Donovan, C., & Hester, M. (2010). I Hate the Word ‘Victim’: An Exploration of Recognition of Domestic Violence in Same-Sex Relationships. Social Policy and Society, 9(2), 279–289.
Featured Image: Individuals experiencing coercive control in same-sex relationships face unique challenges. Source: alfa27 / Adobe Stock.
