When there is domestic abuse, children often become tools for manipulation and control. Abusers exploit the vulnerability of their partners and use their children to trap them in a cycle of fear, compliance, and despair. These tactics persist not only during the relationship but can extend long after separation.
Using Children to Prevent Escape
Abusers frequently use their children as leverage to keep their partner from leaving. They may threaten harm or claim they will take the children away, instilling a deep fear of separation.
One survivor recalled, “He told me, ‘If you leave now, it will be your fault for breaking up our family and you’ll have to explain that to our children!’” Another shared, “I used to hear, ‘If you try to leave, I’ll take everything from you. The kids will come with me, and you’ll never see them again.’”
Faced with the fear of losing their children or exposing them to the abuser’s unchecked control, many victims feel compelled to stay. “I stayed because I couldn’t imagine leaving my three young children alone with him,” said one survivor. “His violent temper made me feel like I was their only shield against his rage.”
Undermining the Other Parent
Abusers also seek to maintain control by discrediting their partner’s parenting abilities. This can include accusations of being unfit or dangerous, often backed by manipulative actions.
One survivor shared, “He called the police anonymously to report concerns about my mental health. Then he contacted children’s services, claiming I was the problem. He stopped paying child support and sent threatening emails about taking the kids away.”
Another added, “He would threaten to starve and beat me regularly. He would physically take my child away into another room and tell my child they weren’t allowed to see mommy and tell my child ‘Mommy is bad. She doesn’t deserve food so don’t feed her’.”
These actions can erode the victim’s confidence as a parent. “In my child’s eyes, he was the superhero, perpetually feeding this fantasy. Me: an ordinary mom, with no skills, nothing special to offer or be valued for,” said one heartbroken mother.
Abusers may also use children as spies. “He constantly asked the kids about my activities,” one survivor explained. “Then he’d confront me later, twisting their innocent answers into accusations. It felt like I was being watched all the time.”
Extending Control After Separation
Even after the relationship ends, abusers often use the children to maintain control through post-separation abuse. This includes prolonged custody battles, false accusations, or withholding child support to create financial and emotional strain.
“My ex uses our kids as weapons in family court,” one survivor shared. “He files endless claims, refuses to pay maintenance, rearranges visitation to disrupt my work, and then doesn’t show up. He knows exactly what he’s doing.”
Another described how the abuse evolved: “He’s still as bad as he ever was; just he can’t physically touch me anymore, so he has to go through our kids. It’s worse, knowing the kids are still weaponized and when I fight back, I’m ‘trying to reduce the father’s time’ and he gets to be the victim. He’s still financially, emotionally, psychologically, economically crippling me. He’s just using the kids to do it.”
Alienating Children from the Safe Parent
Abusers often manipulate children to turn them against the protective parent, sometimes leading to complete alienation.
“I have not seen my son for over a year,” grieved one heartbroken mother. “In the last four years, I have seen him twice. He is almost 16-years-old and he is gone. I went from him being in my care every day to a ‘visit’ with his father that never ended.”
The psychological impact can be profound. “Post separation abuse and mother-child relationship sabotage for 9 years gave me severe autoimmune diseases and made me suicidal,” shared another survivor.
Abusers create narratives that paint the safe parent as unloving or harmful. “He told my son, ‘Your mom is weak because she left instead of fixing things,’” one survivor said. “My son started to believe I had abandoned him, even though I left to protect us both.”
They also involve children in conflicts. “He would say things like, ‘It’s not fair that Mum has you more than I do. Tell her you want equal time,’” recalled another survivor. “It put so much pressure on my child to fix things.”
Positive feelings toward the safe parent are often discouraged. “Whenever my son spoke kindly about me, his dad would get angry,” said one survivor. “It made my son feel like he had to choose between us.”
Abusers also resort to emotional blackmail. “He threatened to tell my child lies about me if I didn’t give in to his demands,” shared one victim. “I felt emotionally held hostage.”
Finding Strength and Healing
Leaving an abuser is never easy, especially when children are involved. But survivors show that healing is possible, even amid immense challenges.
“I grieved for the family I had hoped my children would have,” said one survivor. “But now I’m focused on giving them the love and stability they deserve.”
Support systems and professional help are invaluable. “Counseling, advocacy, and trusted people around me have been lifesaving,” another shared. “It’s a long road, but freedom and healing are worth it.”
These stories highlight the destructive impact of coercive control and the strength of survivors who rebuild their lives and protect their children.
The journey is hard, but every step forward is a triumph. To all survivors: you are seen, believed, and supported. Freedom and healing are possible.
Featured image: Abusers weaponize their children to exert control. Source: Oostendorp/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.v
