Isolation is one of the most damaging strategies employed by abusers to exert control over their partners. By cutting them off from friends, family, and support systems, abusers create an environment where their control goes unchallenged. Survivors of coercive control share their experiences, shedding light on the devastating isolation tactics used to manipulate and dominate them.
1. Humiliating in Social Situations
A key isolation tactic is embarrassing the victim in social settings to discourage them from engaging with others. Abusers create such discomfort that the victim begins to avoid these situations altogether.
One survivor recounted: “If I went to visit family, he’d show up and behave terribly so I wouldn’t want to go back. Even when I met friends for coffee, he’d turn up uninvited and just sit there in silence. I stopped going because I couldn’t take the embarrassment.”
Another shared, “He’d sit on the couch in his underwear and refuse to put on trousers. Eventually, people stopped visiting altogether.”
Abusers understand that by creating tension and awkwardness, they can isolate their partner under the guise of the victim making the decision to withdraw.
2. Cutting Off Access to Communication
Abusers often create logistical barriers, such as restricting transportation, finances, or communication tools, to isolate their victims. These isolation tactics leave victims unable to maintain external relationships.
One survivor explained, “He let my car fall into disrepair and refused to fix it. Meanwhile, he had his own car but wouldn’t let me use it. I couldn’t go anywhere without his help.”
Another said, “He’d cut off the internet so I couldn’t contact my family or friends back home.”
Financial control is another common method. “He controlled all the money,” one survivor shared. “If I asked for gas money to visit someone, he’d claim there wasn’t enough—though he always had money for himself.”
By creating physical and financial dependence, abusers make it nearly impossible for victims to seek help or build support systems.
3. Gaslighting to Destroy Self-Confidence
A common isolation tactic involves gaslighting, where abusers undermine their partner’s self-worth and relationships, making them question their reality.
One survivor shared: “He insisted that none of my friends really liked me, that my other relationships weren’t real, and that they would judge my flaws even more than him and reject me, so it was better to just stay away.”
Another added, “He’d tell me people I trusted hated me or that they were bad news. This stopped me from reaching out for help because I believed I couldn’t trust anyone.”
Gaslighting erodes victims’ confidence, leaving them convinced that isolation is inevitable because no one else values them.
4. Overwhelming with Responsibilities
Keeping victims so busy they don’t have time for relationships is another effective isolation strategy. By piling on responsibilities, abusers ensure their partners are too exhausted to maintain outside connections.
One survivor explained: “He made me work constantly. I barely had time to eat, let alone see my family or friends.”
Another said, “As a stay-at-home mom, I was responsible for everything. If I left to meet friends and something at home wasn’t done, like the dishes or laundry, he’d get angry. I gave up trying to go out because it wasn’t worth the guilt and stress.”
This tactic ensures that victims remain tethered to their abuser, unable to nurture relationships outside the home.
5. Disguising Possessiveness as Care
Abusers often mask their isolation tactics as love or concern, making it harder for victims to recognize the manipulation.
One survivor shared: “At first, his constant check-ins seemed sweet. He always wanted to know where I was and who I was with. But over time, it became suffocating, and I realized he was using it to control me.”
Another explained, “Whenever I went out, he accused me of being sneaky or plotting against him. Eventually, he just started going everywhere with me, so I stopped trying to go out alone.”
By framing control and possessiveness as love, abusers create a trap that leaves victims doubting their own independence.
6. Sabotaging Relationships with Others
Abusers often turn loved ones against the victim, using lies, arguments, or manipulation to sever important connections.
One survivor recounted: “He would cause trouble, gaslight, and disrespect my family to their faces so they didn’t want to be around me when he was there. Over time, I withdrew from everyone who cared about me.”
Another added, “Every time we weren’t invited to something my partner told me it’s because my sisters didn’t like me, and they were jealous of me and us and what we had.”
Abusers often target close friendships, recognizing them as a threat to their control. As one woman explained, “He told me my best friend was untrustworthy and would ruin our relationship. She was the only one who might have suspected the abuse, so I stopped talking to her. I regret it to this day.”
Another person shared, “When my old friends came to visit me from out of town, he told me he didn’t like them being there because, according to him, they were using me and taking advantage of me. He even invented stories about them saying mean things and making fun of me when I was out of the room, so I’d doubt my trust in them and be less likely to invite them to visit again.”
By sabotaging relationships, abusers leave their partners isolated and dependent on them.
7. Using Threats to Force Isolation
In some cases, abusers resort to outright threats to ensure their victims sever ties with loved ones.
One survivor shared: “He threatened to kill my family if I ever tried to leave or reconnect with them.”
Another said, “He was keeping a loaded gun in his nightstand and saying he would shoot them. He isolated me for three years. My dad didn’t even get to meet my daughter when she was born.”
Even the suggestion of harm can compel victims to cut ties, leaving them entirely at the mercy of their abuser.
8. Relocating to Increase Isolation
Relocation is one of the most extreme isolation tactics, physically removing victims from their support systems.
One survivor explained, “He said I’d be happier if we moved to his country. But once we got there, I couldn’t work, had no friends, and was completely isolated.”
Another said, “When I found a community I loved, he insisted we move. Within a month, I lost all my friends.”
For some, relocation resulted in even tighter control. “I moved to his country, leaving behind my family, friends, and job. Once I was living there, I was only allowed freedom for an hour or two each day, and all interactions had to take place with him present,” recalled another survivor.
This tactic distances victims from potential help, making escape even more challenging.
9. Creating Conflict Around Socializing
Abusers make socializing so stressful that victims eventually stop trying.
One survivor shared: “Every time I planned to visit family, he’d create drama before, during, and after. It got so exhausting that I stopped going.”
Another explained, “He’d guilt me into staying home or bombard me with accusations if I went out. It became easier to just avoid seeing anyone.”
By associating socializing with conflict, abusers condition victims to isolate themselves.
10. Escalating Abuse as Punishment
If victims resist isolation attempts, abusers often lash out with intensified mistreatment. “He would angrily stare at me if I had a conversation with someone at church, and if I ignored him, he would take his anger out on me for weeks,” revealed one survivor.
Another shared, “I came home one evening after attending a board meeting. He was waiting and enraged at how late the meeting went, proceeded to scream and smash a box against the family room wall. I skipped the next meeting.”
Long-Term Effects of Isolation Tactics
The effects of isolation often linger long after leaving an abusive relationship, leaving survivors with deep feelings of loneliness and disconnection. One survivor described the lasting impact: “I withdrew from almost everyone who cared about me. I didn’t want them to see what I was hiding.”
Another reflected on the challenges of rebuilding a sense of connection: “I don’t speak to anyone, so my assumption is that no one had to isolate me. I have to navigate life alone now. People have kids, a spouse, etc. I wasn’t able to have kids, and relationships seem extremely difficult for me, as if they aren’t real or are set up.”
Reclaiming Independence and Rebuilding Connections
While isolation is a powerful form of control, many survivors find strength in reclaiming their independence and rebuilding their lives. Leaving the abuse often opens the door to reconnect with loved ones and restore the support systems they were denied for so long.
One survivor shared their uplifting experience: “I reconnected with my family. They told me how much they missed me and my child during those years. Now, I’m surrounded by people who love and cherish us.”
Another reflected on the joy of rebuilding her social circle: “I see all my family now and my friends, and I have mom’s nights to relax and have fun. What a change of life.”
For some, the process of reunification is a work in progress. As one survivor explained: “After he died, I reunited with my family, and so many of them said how those years were so sad and depressing and they missed me and my child. Hopefully soon I’ll have enough money to go back home, and my daughter can finally meet my entire family.”
Rebuilding takes time, but as survivors find their voices and share their journeys, they inspire others to seek help and break free from the cycle of abuse. With the support of loved ones and a renewed sense of community, healing and happiness become achievable once more.
Featured Image: Isolation tactics are common in abusive relationships. Source: djoronimo / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
