Sexual coercion in a relationship is a form of domestic abuse in which an abuser manipulates, guilts, pressures, or threatens to gain control over their partner’s sexual consent. Sexual coercion is never about love or intimacy—it’s about control.
Here are ten common ways abusers use sexual coercion to manipulate and control their partners.
1. Emotional Manipulation and Guilt-Tripping
A common tactic of sexual coercion, abusers guilt their partners into sex by suggesting that withholding it is unfair or will damage the relationship. They might say things like, “If you really loved me, you’d do this for me,” or “I pay the bills, so you owe me.”
This form of coercion distorts the idea of mutual consent, making the victim feel obligated to engage in sexual activity out of fear or guilt rather than genuine desire. It is emotional blackmail and it creates feelings of shame and confusion in the victim, making it harder to recognize the abuse for what it is.
2. Threatening to Leave or Cheat
Another form of sexual coercion is using threats to manipulate consent. An abuser may threaten to end the relationship or cheat if their partner doesn’t comply with their sexual demands. This tactic is particularly effective because it preys on the victim’s fears of abandonment or betrayal, leaving them feeling as though they have no choice but to submit.
In this scenario, consent is given under duress, meaning it is not true consent. Victims engage in sexual activity not because they want to but because they are terrified of losing their partner.
3. Persistent Pressure
Abusers may relentlessly pressure their partners, pestering them about sex until they give in. The abuser may continually bring up the subject of sex, making their partner feel as though they cannot escape the conversation. Eventually, the victim gives in just to avoid further conflict or pressure.
Persistent pressure wears down a person’s ability to refuse, making the act of sex feel more like a necessity or a chore than a choice.
4. Using Alcohol or Drugs to Impair Judgment
Some abusers use alcohol or drugs as a tool for sexual coercion, knowing it will impair their partner’s ability to give consent. By deliberately getting their partner intoxicated, they create a scenario where they are less able to resist or even realize what is happening. This is a particularly insidious form of abuse because it leaves the victim feeling as though they participated willingly, even though their capacity to consent was compromised.
5. Gaslighting and Denial
Abusers may gaslight their partners into believing the sexual coercion is all in their heads or that they are overreacting. They might say, “You’re being dramatic; it wasn’t that bad,” or “You wanted it too.” This distorts reality for the victim, making it difficult for them to recognize the abuse and further enabling the abuser’s control. Gaslighting creates a deep sense of self-doubt and confusion, trapping victims in a cycle of coercion.
6. Exploiting Financial Dependence
Abusers often use their partner’s financial dependence as leverage for sexual coercion. They may imply or outright state that continued financial support is contingent on sexual compliance. This creates a power imbalance where the victim feels they have no other option but to comply with the abuser’s demands, particularly if they are financially dependent on the abuser. Individuals in these situations may be afraid to leave or refuse because they don’t have the resources to support themselves or their children without the abuser’s financial assistance.
7. Sabotaging Contraception
A more covert form of sexual coercion involves the abuser sabotaging contraception to force their partner into unwanted sexual encounters or pregnancy. This can include tampering with birth control, lying about using protection, or refusing to use condoms despite their partner’s wishes. Reproductive coercion strips away a victim’s control over their own body and reproductive choices.
8. Using Children as Leverage
Abusers often exploit their partner’s relationship with their children as a tool of coercion. They may threaten to take away the children, limit access to them, or tell the children damaging lies about the victim if they don’t comply with sexual demands. This tactic is ruthless because it uses the individual’s love for their children as a weapon, forcing them into situations where they feel they must comply to protect their parental rights or relationships. Victims may feel trapped between their own needs and the well-being of their children.
9. Playing on Traditional Gender Roles
Abusers may use societal expectations and traditional gender roles as a form of sexual coercion, claiming it’s a partner’s “duty” to satisfy their sexual needs – particularly within a marriage. By appealing to cultural or religious norms, abusers create a framework where the victim feels obligated to engage in sexual activity, regardless of their own desires or boundaries. This tactic preys on deeply ingrained beliefs, making it difficult for victims to challenge the abuse or recognize their right to refuse.
10. Blaming the Victim
Abusers may blame the victim, shifting responsibility away from themselves. They might say things like, “You led me on,” or “It’s your fault I’m like this.” The abuser creates a dynamic where the victim feels responsible for the abuse, leading to guilt, shame, and confusion. Victims may internalize this blame, believing they are the ones at fault for the coercion, further perpetuating the abusive cycle.
Sexual coercion strips individuals of their autonomy, creates emotional and psychological trauma, and damages the trust necessary for healthy, intimate relationships. Consent is never negotiable, and no one has the right to pressure or manipulate anyone into sexual activity.
References
Logan, T. K., Walker, R., & Cole, J. (2015). Silenced Suffering: The Need for a Better Understanding of Partner Sexual Violence. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 16(2), 111-135.
Parker, B., & Parker, C. (2014). The Impact of Coercion on Sexual Decision-Making in Relationships. Journal of Family Violence, 29(8), 785-795.
Simmons, C. A., Knight, L., & Menard, A. (2018). Sexual Coercion and Its Relationship to Intimate Partner Violence and Mental Health in Women Attending College. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, 27(10), 1123-1140.
Featured Image: Abusers use sexual coercion to manipulate and control their partners. Source:  Prostock-studio  / Adobe Stock
