Abuse in relationships doesn’t always come with clear warnings or obvious red flags. For many survivors, it takes years—even decades—to understand that their partner’s behavior was abusive. The journey to this realization is complex due to manipulation, conditioning, and internalized blame. Here, we explore why victims often take so long to recognize abuse in relationships, drawing on the experiences and powerful words of survivors.
Abuse Often Starts Subtly
Abuse rarely begins with overt violence or aggression. It often starts as subtle control, manipulation, or criticism, making it difficult to recognize. One survivor shared, “It’s so slow and subtle, especially at first. You don’t even realize it’s happening. Eventually, I WAS afraid of him, but he didn’t get physical until after years of this type of psychological abuse.” Another added, “It is an incredibly slow, incremental conditioning & brainwashing, implemented in such a way that you often don’t realize that it is even happening until you are so far into the relationship that you struggle to see a viable way out anymore.”
This gradual escalation conditions victims to accept increasingly harmful behavior. By the time the abuse becomes undeniable, they are often deeply entrenched in the relationship.
Manipulation Creates Confusion
Manipulation and gaslighting are key tools abusers use to maintain control. These tactics distort the victim’s sense of reality, leaving them questioning their perceptions and feelings. One survivor reflected, “It took years even though he’d physically attacked me loads of times before… He’d always have some excuse or blamed me for making him do it.” Another woman said, “I knew something wasn’t right but it was very confusing to begin with. Once it escalated to physical abuse I knew I wasn’t crazy and stopped doubting myself.”
Gaslighting is so effective that victims may feel they are imagining the abuse or that it’s their fault. As one survivor shared, “I kept thinking, ‘If I just did better or acted differently, it would change,’ until I realized this year it’s never going to change.”
Social and Cultural Conditioning
Societal norms often discourage individuals from recognizing or naming abuse. Many victims internalize messages that excuse abusive behavior as normal relationship struggles. One survivor admitted, “I kept thinking, ‘This is the hard work of marriage,’ without realizing it was simply abuse.”
For others, the absence of physical violence made it harder to identify their experiences as abusive. “I thought I hadn’t been in a DV situation because he never hit me. Ten years later, I realized verbal, financial, and emotional abuse are also forms of domestic violence.”
Isolation and Lack of External Validation
Abusers frequently isolate their victims, cutting them off from friends and family who might offer perspective. Without external validation, victims often downplay or rationalize the abuse. One woman recalled, “I didn’t realize the relationship was crossing into abusive territory until I told a close friend. She saw obvious red flags I hadn’t noticed. At first, I didn’t want to believe it, but she was completely right.” Another described, “I was explaining my concerns to a friend and she looked at me and said “this isn’t just unhealthy…that is full blown abuse.” I was shocked and then I started connecting dots.”
Another survivor shared, “I feel like I’m crazy sometimes because of how others perceive him. I just want one person to tell me they saw that dark side so I know I’m not delusional.”
Fear and Survival Instincts Delay Action
Even when survivors recognize abuse, fear often prevents them from leaving. Abusers instill a sense of helplessness, making victims feel trapped. One individual recounted, “Unluckily for me I couldn’t accept the truth so it took me over 10 years to finally pluck my courage and move away. I had to receive a punch in my face and after a threat with a firearm. Only then I made my move. Some people criticize me and tell me that I endured too much and I should have left earlier but I didn’t have the courage. I felt trapped, helpless and I didn’t see any solution.”
Another survivor described the physical impact of fear: “When my hands shook every time his number popped up on my phone, I knew something was deeply wrong.”
Moments That Shatter Illusions
Sometimes, a single event or interaction can serve as a wake-up call. One survivor described the moment she realized her husband would never change: “A very old lady told me about her kind husband who would help her with her adult diapers. I cried because I knew my husband would never be that kind, and I never wanted to depend on him when I’m 85.”
One male survivor shared, “This single instant in time, a truly “aha” moment, came when she lied straight to my face about something that I knew was true. And she did it instantly, without a second thought or emotion. Like it was nothing, like she did it every day. Our marriage was an illusion.”
Another survivor said, “My “aha” moment happened midway through a 30-minute-long rant over a $5 remote. He was screaming insults so close to me and with such force that little drops of spit were landing on my face. It finally clicked. Something isn’t right.”
Recognizing Abuse Often Comes Slowly or in Stages
For many survivors, the realization that they are being abused doesn’t come all at once. Instead, it unfolds over time as they piece together patterns of behavior. “Over 20 years of confusion! After the final brutal discard, I learned the language of abuse. It took me 8.5 years to call it what it was, and another two years to leave,” one woman shared. Another said, “For 30 years I kept thinking if I just did better or acted differently or something that it would change, until I realized this year it’s never going to change and I had to move on for my own well-being.”
Moments of clarity often come through external validation, therapy, or unexpected incidents. “When I learned the meaning of ‘trauma bond,’ all the pieces fell into place.” One woman shared how she discovered she was experiencing abuse after using an app on her phone, “When I was using the artificial intelligence app and explaining my relationship it pointed out it was coercive control – something I knew nothing about. Since then, I’ve looked into it and was sickened to my stomach to see that the AI app was right!”
Leaving an abusive relationship is just the first step in a long journey of healing. Survivors often spend years processing the trauma and unlearning harmful patterns. One woman shared, “It’s been two years of therapy, and I’m still uncovering coercive and abusive behaviors I didn’t recognize at the time. Breaking cycles is a long, painful process.”
The Importance of Support and Awareness
Survivors emphasize the need for awareness and validation to help others recognize abuse sooner. One survivor shared, “I didn’t know what I was experiencing was abuse until a friend looked me in the eye and said, ‘This isn’t just unhealthy; it’s abuse.’ Her words planted a seed that eventually grew into the courage to leave.”
One survivor pointed out: “Abuse doesn’t just harm the victim; it shapes the world our children grow up in. Recognizing it is the first step to breaking the cycle—for ourselves and future generations.”
Breaking the Silence
Recognizing abuse is a complex, deeply personal process that often takes years. Survivors grapple with manipulation, fear, and societal conditioning, making the journey to clarity painful and slow. Yet, every step toward awareness and every moment of validation can build the strength needed to break free.
Leaving an abusive relationship is not the end of the story—it’s the beginning of a journey toward healing and reclaiming autonomy. Support networks, education, and awareness campaigns play a critical role in helping survivors find their voice and build a life free from control and fear.
Top Image: It may take survivors years to recognize the abuse they endured in their relationships. Source: didesign / Adobe Stock
