In many abusive relationships involving coercive control, the abuser’s need for control extends far beyond the home and into their partner’s career and educational aspirations. By sabotaging their partner’s work, career, and education, abusers effectively trap them in financial dependence, social isolation, and emotional turmoil. These tactics aren’t always overt; they often involve subtle manipulation, relentless criticism, and emotional sabotage.
Abusers sabotage their partner’s careers and educational growth for several reasons, including jealousy, insecurity, fear of empowerment, and the desire to keep their partner dependent. Through real survivor quotes, we explore how abusers systematically block their victims’ potential, often with lasting effects on their confidence, finances, and independence.
Creating Chaos Around Work and Important Events
One of the common tactics controlling abusers use to sabotage their partner’s career is creating disruptions or crises around crucial work events. By manufacturing stress and distraction, they make it nearly impossible for the individual to perform at their best.
One survivor shared, “He would make sure ‘something’ happened the day before major work events.” Another added, “When I was allowed to do an approved project, he tried to come along and when he couldn’t, he would manufacture a child care emergency before I started the presentation or event. Every time without fail.”
Another survivor described how her abuser would turn up unannounced at her office, disrupting her work environment and creating uncomfortable situations with clients: “He would drive to my office, barge in past my closed door to see who I was meeting with.” This kind of interference leaves victims physically exhausted and mentally strained, unable to fully engage with their career responsibilities.
In one horrifying example, a female abuser threatened to terminate her pregnancy if her partner went to a work event: “I was invited to give a speech at an international conference where I had to be away for two nights. She said if I accepted, then I clearly didn’t love her, and she would abort our baby.”
Abusers Sabotaging Careers and Educational Advancement
Abusers may encourage their partners to pursue education or professional training, only to undermine their progress once they begin to excel. For example, one survivor recalled, “He encouraged me to study but as soon as I started doing better than him or doing well with marks he would bully, manipulate, coerce, shame, or say bad things about the degree to get me to stop. It was relentless. He used my social anxiety against me.” This type of sabotage is designed to keep the person from gaining confidence or succeeding, ensuring that they remain under the abuser’s control.
Another survivor shared a similar experience, where her abuser manipulated her into giving up her dreams of becoming a physician: “Mine made the survival of our relationship contingent on me becoming a physician. I spent my money on a post-bacc pre-med program and did great. I went through all the steps to apply and then he sabotaged that. He then said I needed to stop pursuing med school.” By pulling his support at a crucial moment, he forced her to abandon a lifelong ambition, reinforcing her dependence on him.
Undermining Professional Relationships and Reputation
In some cases, abusers go so far as to damage their partner’s professional relationships or reputation directly. One survivor shared her daughter’s experience: “My daughter’s ex wrote an anonymous letter to her new employer (before her career as a teacher started). You can imagine what that letter contained. Thankfully she had warned them something like this might happen & it was forwarded to the police who did nothing!” By attempting to tarnish her reputation before she even started, the abuser aimed to sabotage her career from the outset, preventing her from establishing herself independently.
Another survivor recounted a similar experience with her abuser’s attempts to control her workplace interactions: “My ex would frequently turn up at the store where I worked and wander around pretending to be a customer but all the time watching me. I would get a hard time if I spent too long helping a male customer or was ‘over-friendly’ to a male coworker.” This constant surveillance and accusations of infidelity created a hostile work environment, making it difficult for her to perform her duties comfortably.
Imposing Financial Control and Dependency
Financial control is a hallmark of abusive relationships, and one way abusers achieve this is by obstructing their partner’s ability to earn independently. One survivor explained, “We agreed I would stay home and raise the kids. Now he tells everyone, including the kids, that I refused to work and was lazy and did nothing. I didn’t sit down from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed!” By framing her as lazy and unwilling to work, her abuser effectively isolated her financially and socially, ensuring that she had no means of escaping the relationship.
Another survivor shared how her abuser’s control extended even to her earnings: “He stopped me working, he took the money when I did anything that he gave permission for and controlled it. He still tries to tie me up in court proceedings so it affects my mental health and takes up my time so I can’t work as self-employed.”
Preventing Stability and Growth by Constant Relocation
Abusers may also prevent their partner from building a stable career by frequently relocating, often under the pretext of supporting the abuser’s own career. One survivor explained, “During the 10 years we moved cities and countries to support his career as a doctor, but never once was my career supported.” By keeping her in a state of flux, her abuser effectively prevented her from establishing a stable career, leaving her financially and emotionally dependent on him.
Another survivor recalled, “He said I needed to stay home with the kids. We moved constantly and I was unable to maintain work networks. After I left, I was penniless, with 2 kids and I had to start from scratch in my mid-40s during a pandemic and a cost-of-living crisis.” This intentional instability ensures that the victim cannot build a support network or career of their own, trapping them in the abuser’s control.
Criticizing and Belittling Career Choices
Abusers often demean their partner’s career aspirations to lower their self-esteem and confidence. One survivor shared, “When I quit my part-time job to become a full-time artist and do outdoor art show events, my ex called a ‘family meeting’ where his entire family ridiculed and harassed me for ruining their son’s life, only thinking of myself, and doing something so foolish as throwing away a decent career in a dead-end part-time job to follow some ‘hairbrained scheme’ (to which I excelled at by the way).” This kind of belittling reinforces the abuser’s control by making the victim doubt their own abilities and choices.
Another survivor who was a lawyer at the same firm as her abuser said, “I was a lawyer at the same firm as him. He punished me at home for success at work. I moved firms, got pregnant, and he refused to allow a maternity leave. He would not help or allow support. I lost my job. I never went back and was fully dependent. The abuse got worse.” By punishing her success and denying her any support, he effectively pushed her out of her career and further isolated her.
Why Abusers Obstruct Their Partner’s Success
Abusers obstruct their partner’s career, education, and independence to maintain control, create dependency, and prevent empowerment. There are several motivations behind these actions:
- Dependence: Abusers want their partners to rely on them for financial and emotional support, making it difficult for them to leave.
- Control: Success in a career or education brings autonomy and empowerment, which threatens the abuser’s control.
- Isolation: By limiting their partner’s work and educational opportunities, abusers cut off access to social networks and resources that might otherwise support their independence.
- Jealousy and Insecurity: Many abusers feel threatened by their partner’s success. For example, one abuser reportedly said, “I feel that you’re going into your office because you’re trying to compete with me.” This jealousy drives abusers to sabotage their partner’s growth.
- Preventing Confidence: Abusers fear that if their victim gains confidence or financial independence, they might realize their own worth and ultimately leave the relationship.
- Entitlement: Abusers often hold an unyielding sense of entitlement, believing that their partner’s time and focus should be devoted exclusively to them.
The obstruction of work, career, and educational opportunities is a powerful and often-overlooked form of economic abuse. By preventing their partners from achieving financial independence, building self-confidence, and forming supportive relationships, abusers ensure that their control remains unchallenged.
The survivor quotes shared in this article illustrate just how insidious and damaging these behaviors can be, affecting every aspect of a victim’s life.
Featured Image: Abusive partners often try to control or sabotage their victims’ careers and educational goals. Source: Prostock-studio/ Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
