Abusive relationships often revolve around control, and for many victims, that control extends to their hobbies and talents. Abusers can subtly, or not so subtly, chip away at the joy and independence these activities provide. Over time, people find themselves giving up the very things that once brought them happiness. Here, survivors share their experiences of how they lost touch with their hobbies and interests due to abusive relationships.
The Slow Erosion of Personal Interests
For many survivors, the process of giving up hobbies doesn’t happen all at once. Instead, it’s a slow and painful erosion of their personal interests, often fueled by emotional manipulation, belittling, and gaslighting.
“I gradually gave up all my hobbies and interests during my marriage,” one survivor shared. “It just wasn’t worth the insults, teasing, cold shouldering, and anger. I did what he wanted instead.”
This type of subtle discouragement can make it easier for abusers to dominate their partner’s life. The survivor’s energy becomes entirely focused on meeting the needs and desires of the abuser, leaving little room for anything else.
“I crochet since I was 10 years old. He had a problem with that. He had a problem with absolutely everything that brings me joy,” shared another survivor.
The constant criticism takes its toll, making the survivor feel as though their interests are no longer valid. This could eventually cause them to lose their hobbies due to the abusive relationship.
Minimizing and Mocking Passions
One of the most common control tactics an abusive person will use is to mock or belittle their partner’s interests, making them feel as though their hobbies are a waste of time or childish.
“He said I was doing boring stuff—coloring, journaling, reading, arts and crafts. He told me I was wasting my money and time buying supplies and even threatened to throw them away. I told him I would just keep buying them.”
This form of belittling can be devastating, particularly when someone has deep connections to their hobbies. For some, hobbies represent more than just a pastime—they are a source of peace, joy, and self-expression. Yet, in an abusive relationship, even these outlets are subject to control.
One violinist shared how her passion for music became a target: “Yes, I am a violinist. I’ve played since I was eight. If I played for his friends, he would encourage me. But if I played on my own or wanted to go to concerts, he would mock me, say that my music was boring. I would only play if he wasn’t home. Now I’m back in an orchestra.”
Destroying the Joy of Learning
For many, hobbies are also about personal growth and learning. Yet even this aspect of self-development can become a point of contention in abusive relationships.
“One year, I took a semester of Japanese at GA Tech, and he was instantly suspicious of it. At the end of the semester, a classmate held a party, and we all brought our spouses. His reaction was to think it was all weird. Any kind of learning on my part irked him. Friends from outside his social networks were a cause for suspicion.”
For abusers, the idea of their partner growing, learning, or expanding their horizons is often seen as a threat. Keeping their partner limited to their world maintains control. The more the victim grows, the harder they are to control.
Health and Energy Worn Down
Abuse doesn’t just drain a person emotionally and mentally—it also takes a physical toll. The constant stress and pressure can lead to exhaustion, leaving little energy for hobbies.
“He kept me so busy with all of his wants and needs that I didn’t have the energy to do any of my interests or hobbies. And it’s not like we ever did anything I wanted to do—it was truly all about him and what I could do for him.”
For some individuals, this constant state of exhaustion results in hobbies falling away simply because there’s no energy left to enjoy them. “When my health got worse when I was with him, I began to recognize what an energy vampire he was for me.”
Jealousy and Envy: Sabotaging Passions
In many cases, abusers are driven by jealousy and envy of their partner’s talents and interests, turning hobbies into targets for destruction.
“All my abusers did this. They either found ways to exclude me from my hobbies, discourage or minimize me from doing them, or even destroy them entirely. My abusive ex once smashed my keyboard. I demanded a replacement, but he would find ways to hinder me from playing or even going to choir and orchestra rehearsals.”
An abusive person may go to great lengths to sabotage any activity that doesn’t involve them, and even dictate the terms of what hobbies their partner is “allowed” to have. As another survivor explains, “It had to be something he wanted to do as well if it required money, time, or travel. I could have other interests, but they needed to be only on the computer. No physical hobbies, no talking about the hobby, and no letting the hobby get in the way of him.”
The jealousy and envy abusers feel toward their partner’s talents or passions can be so intense that they actively seek to undermine them. This isn’t just about control—it’s about ensuring that the survivor never experiences joy, success, or fulfillment outside the relationship.
Lost Hobbies and Rebuilding Joy After Abuse
For many survivors, rebuilding their connection to hobbies and passions after leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult. Years of belittlement, manipulation, and isolation take a toll, and the joy they once found in these activities can be hard to recapture.
One survivor reflected on the lasting impact of his abusive relationship: “Six years out, and I haven’t really been able to rekindle any interest in things that I was once enthusiastic about. There was a time when I had the health and energy to pursue some of these things, but now I either lack the energy or the manual dexterity. My workshop and tools have fallen into disrepair, and just living is about all I can do.”
Others, like the violinist who returned to her orchestra, find that reclaiming their hobbies is an essential part of their healing journey. After years of being silenced, finding a way back to the things that once brought joy can be a powerful step toward rebuilding a life free from control.
The stories of these survivors illustrate just how insidious the control exerted by abusers can be. Hobbies, passions, and interests that once brought joy and fulfillment are often the first things to be taken away. For those in abusive relationships, this loss represents more than just giving up a pastime—it’s a loss of self, autonomy, and identity.
But for many survivors, the journey to reclaiming these parts of themselves is also a journey toward healing. As one survivor put it, “Abusers can take away a lot, but they can’t take away your right to rebuild.”
Featured images: Survivors recount how they lost and rekindled joy in their hobbies after abusive relationships. Source: Bangkok Click Studio / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
