Your identity is your sense of who you are. The essence of you. It’s all the things that make up the unique human you were put on this Earth to be. In a healthy relationship, each partner’s identity is honored and valued as the couple faces life’s ups and downs together despite having differing thoughts and opinions. But if you’re part of a controlling relationship, it’s virtually impossible to maintain your own identity outside of the relationship.
A partner engaging in coercive control seeks to strip you of your sense of self and your identity through tactics like undermining, judging, criticizing and trivializing. When you’re exposed to behaviors like this over and over again, you can begin to doubt yourself. You may start to feel like the unique set of beliefs, values, opinions, tastes and desires you bring to the table are bad, wrong or unacceptable. It’s at this point you’ve been stripped of your identity and even your sense of self.
Remember that the ultimate goal of a controlling partner is for you to be completely dependent on them: under their thumb, so to speak. And what better way to do this than to create a situation where you seek validation only from them because you no longer know yourself?
In this article, we’ll discuss some of the ways in which coercive control can cause you to slowly lose your sense of self and your identity.
You might feel hesitant to show your true self
Suppose you’re a bubbly extrovert and your partner isn’t. Regardless of this key difference between the two of you, your personality should be celebrated and appreciated rather than minimized and brushed off as an annoyance. In a case like this, your controlling partner might seek to make you feel shameful or insecure about your personality and way of doing things by one or a few of the following:
- They might say, indicate or make you feel like you’re “too much” or conversely, “not enough.”
- They might make underhanded jokes or passive-aggressive comments, or refer to you with disparaging terms like, “obnoxious,” “a lot,” or “embarrassing” if you’re extroverted, or “anti-social,” “boring,” or “no fun to be around” if you’re less outgoing.
- Their mood might darken when you’re feeling bubbly and happy. Or if they’re more outgoing, they might force you to socialize more often than you feel comfortable with, or spend lots of time around people you don’t enjoy.
- They might cast you a glance that only you know is a warning to stop acting a certain way.
- They might accuse you of “attention-seeking” behavior, or of seeking validation from others. Or they might accuse you of trying to destroy their relationships with others if you don’t want to attend an event.
You might feel pressured to mirror their likes and dislikes
We spend a lifetime developing our likes and dislikes. But when a controlling partner shames us or puts us down for these things, it’s very tempting to abandon the things that make us happy, or conversely, to stop avoiding the things we’ve decided we don’t like. We do this in order to keep the peace and seek our partner’s acceptance, but the end result is the loss of our identity.
In a controlling relationship, this is something that can start so slowly that you might not even notice it until it’s too late. After all, you tell yourself, who cares if you always skip your favorite fast-food joint in favor of his? What difference does it make if he turns off your favorite music every time he enters the room? But these are exactly the types of things controlling partners do, and they often escalate to larger things over time, until you hardly remember who you were before you entered the relationship.
You might hide your beliefs and values in order to avoid conflict
Our core values and beliefs are even more dear to us than simple likes and dislikes. Of course, the way we feel about things like integrity, loyalty and kindness are much more significant than our favorite ice cream flavor. When a controlling partner trivializes, belittles or shames one of your core values, you’ll likely do whatever it takes to protect your beliefs. And that includes hiding or no longer sharing them. This is when you truly begin to lose yourself and become a shell of the person you once were.
One woman we spoke with tells us that for two decades, her husband never knew she aligned more closely with pro-choice beliefs. Himself a staunch pro-lifer, he simply assumed his wife felt the same way, despite never asking her about her own thoughts and opinions on the topic. Similarly, another woman admitted to hiding birth control pills because her partner was adamantly against her using it. If you feel fearful to share your innermost values and beliefs with your partner, consider this a huge red flag that you do not feel emotionally safe in your relationship.
How to rediscover your identity
If you’ve “lost yourself” in your relationship, know that you’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Countless women in abusive or controlling relationships have experienced the same thing. It starts slowly, and can be so subtle you don’t even realize for months, or even years. The good news is that once you realize you’ve abandoned your sense of self for your partner, there are some things you can do to slowly regain your identity.
- Expand your social circle. Many victims of abuse have a nearly non-existent social circle thanks to their partner’s isolating tactics. But good friends can mirror our positive attributes back to us, and this can help us remember who we are, and how we show up for others and ourselves. Even if it’s a short conversation with your neighbor, or a friend you meet for coffee once a month, expanding your social circle can go a long way toward helping you remember who you are.
- Write in a journal. Lundy Bancroft, the seminal voice on angry and controlling relationships, places high importance on journaling, saying, “writing is often misunderstood as being a medium for expressing thoughts, but actually it is a way of thinking. We have a different internal process when we write than when we speak.” So break out your journal (it’s a good idea to purchase one with a lock) and write in it regularly. You might get to know things about yourself that you had forgotten.
- Purchase an “all about me” book and fill it out. If you’re struggling to even remember what type of pizza you like the most, this is a great place to start. A book like this contains tons of fun, lighthearted questions and prompts, making it a great way to get to know yourself again.
- Try new things or activities. If you’re able to get some time to yourself, by all means, take it! Take a college course, sign up for a group fitness class, or head out for a paint and sip evening with friends. If you’re not in a position to be able to do these things, consider painting at home, following along to a YouTube fitness class, rekindling your love of books, or taking up another craft or activity that brings you joy.
- Remember your strengths and bring them to life again. New things are great because they add dimension to your life. But don’t forget the strengths you admired about yourself before you entered this relationship! Maybe you made amazing cookies, or were a compassionate volunteer for elderly people. Channel those strengths as you get back to the person you once were.
It’s not easy living in a situation where your partner constantly judges, criticizes and belittles you. An environment of coercive control often starts slowly, making it more difficult for you to realize you’re constantly giving up parts of yourself and losing your identity to your partner. But it’s never too late to rediscover yourself. In fact, it’s a crucial step toward freeing yourself from the destructive environment your relationship has become.
Featured image: Coercive control impacts sense of self and identity. Source: stokkete / Adobe Stock.
