Abusive behaviour often stems from a need for power and control, and one of the most subtle yet effective ways in which abusers achieve this is by playing the victim. By shifting the blame, manipulating emotions, and distorting reality, abusers maintain control over their victims. Understanding how this manipulation technique operates is crucial for recognizing abuse and breaking free from its grip.
Tactics Abusers Use When Playing the Victim
Reactions
A controlling partner may try to deflect blame onto you by focusing on your reactions to their abuse rather than on their own actions. When you display natural and valid responses to disrespect, such as yelling in frustration at being repeatedly belittled or insulted, they may ignore their behaviour and concentrate solely on your response. They might say things like “See, you’re the one who always loses control and yells. You’re the problem, not me”.
Abusive partners often use your reactions to their abusive behaviour as proof of your supposed instability, making it easier for them to shift the blame and justify their behaviour.
They may even provoke you intentionally. For instance, they might ignore you for an entire day after you confront them about something they’ve done, refusing to answer your messages or calls. When you finally speak to them again, frustrated and upset, they might say something dismissive like, “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing? You’re always overreacting.”
By stonewalling and then dismissing your emotions, they provoke an emotional reaction and use it to portray you as unreasonable or unstable, allowing them to avoid accountability and shift the blame onto you, making you question whether you’re guilty.
Projection
Another way to tell whether somebody is playing the victim is by paying attention to whether their accusations align with their own actions. If so, they are ‘projecting’, which refers to when an abuser accuses a victim of displaying the same behaviours that they themselves engage in. For example, your partner may accuse you of cheating on them when they are the ones that are being unfaithful.
Controlling partners are likely to project their own actions onto others in response to being confronted about their behavior. It is an attempt to deflect the blame onto their partner and avoid accountability.
Using Support Systems Against the Real Victim
Abusers often manipulate court systems, police, and other support networks to maintain control over their partners by playing the victim. They may file false claims of abuse or harassment, painting themselves as the wronged party to gain sympathy from authorities or even obtain restraining orders against the victim.
In family court, abusers might accuse their partners of being unfit parents or exaggerate minor conflicts to gain custody or limit the victim’s access to children. They may use children as a tool to assert control over their partner by manipulating them through false stories. These stories can cause the children to feel upset and resentful toward their safe parent, furthering the abuser’s control.
When interacting with the police, abusers may provoke their partners into emotional, or even physical reactions and then report those reactions as evidence of instability or aggression, leading to arrests or legal repercussions for the victim. By leveraging these systems, abusers not only manipulate the narrative but also isolate and discredit their partner, making it harder for the real victim to seek justice or support.
How to Tell if Somebody is Playing the Victim
Abusive people are, by nature, incredibly manipulative which can make their false cries of suffering very convincing and difficult to see through. However, there are some ways to differentiate between a predator playing the victim and the real victim’s story. When an abuser tells their victimizing experiences, their account is often full of resentment and hatred toward their alleged abuser. They appear to have no doubt about their version of events and always place themselves as blameless.
Meanwhile, true victims tend to tell their stories with hesitation and doubt and often only to those they trust. They usually prioritize facts, stating what happened without unnecessary negativity, and are more likely to admit their own shortcomings, even when those actions pale in comparison to the abuse they endured at the hands of their partner. A true victim’s story feels layered and complex, while someone playing the victim will often deliver a one-sided, black-and-white narrative that aims to make it appear that their partner is the only one to blame.
If you suspect your partner is playing the victim to manipulate and control you, it’s important to take steps to protect yourself. Create a safety plan that includes trusted contacts, safe places to go, and important documents in case you need to leave. Document all incidents of abuse, as this can help if the abuser tries to use legal systems against you. Build a strong support system of friends, family, or organizations, and seek legal advice if necessary. Remember, you are never to blame for your partners actions or mistreatment of you.
References
duBay, J. (2022). The Covert Abusers: Playing the Victim as a Means of Control. Medium.
E. (2019). Abusers Love to Play the Victim. Have you Been Fooled? Vocal Media.
Proudman, C. (2023). I’ve seen abusers use family courts to control and torment victims – but change is coming. The Guardian.
Featured image: Playing the victim. Source: Wesley J/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.
