When we think of abuse, most people immediately imagine physical violence—bruises, black eyes, and broken bones. Physical abuse is horrific and unacceptable, but it’s also visible and undeniable. There’s a clear, tangible mark that says, “This is wrong. This is abuse.” However, for many victims of abuse, the scars run much deeper, leaving no visible wounds but inflicting profound emotional and psychological damage. Tragically, some victims find themselves wishing that their partner would hit them, because physical violence would be easier to recognize, prove, and escape from.
This desire, as counterintuitive as it may seem, stems from the often invisible nature of emotional and psychological abuse. Victims are left feeling confused, isolated, and helpless—desperately seeking validation for their pain in a world that too often dismisses or minimizes their experiences.
The Unseen Scars of Emotional and Psychological Abuse
Emotional and psychological abuse is a pervasive form of manipulation and control that leaves no visible marks but devastates the victim’s self-worth, sense of reality, and mental health. Unlike physical abuse, which is easier to identify and condemn, emotional abuse is subtle and insidious, making it difficult for victims to even recognize they are being abused, let alone seek help.
One victim described her experience: “I was suffering every day in my marriage—psychologically tormented, insulted daily, manipulated, gaslighted, made to feel worthless and never good enough, blamed for everything, intimidated, threatened, emotionally blackmailed, isolated, and totally controlled. But for years, I didn’t realize I was being abused. I had no words to describe what I was experiencing. I had no words to communicate with others what was happening. And so at times, I wished he would hit me. I thought then I would have a good enough reason to leave and a clear enough justification to tell others.”
This heart-wrenching quote captures the essence of why some abuse victims wish for physical violence. The psychological torment they endure is so overwhelming and difficult to articulate that they yearn for something tangible—something that others can see and recognize as abuse.
The Silent Suffering of Covert Abuse
Covert abuse, including emotional manipulation, gaslighting, and financial control, often leaves victims questioning their reality and doubting their own perceptions. This form of abuse can be so subtle and pervasive that victims may not even realize they are being controlled and manipulated.
“Sometimes you would rather they hit you and take the simpler route. At least that way it’s clear cut. The covert, mental, emotional, passive-aggressive, coercive control, financial control, and triangulation of children is just so overwhelming,” said another victim, expressing the complexity and despair of dealing with non-physical abuse.
This type of abuse is hard to explain to others, especially when the abuser can appear loving, thoughtful, and fun at times. “They aren’t always abusive. They could be really loving and thoughtful and fun a good bit of the time. And especially if they don’t call you names directly or hit you, it makes it even more confusing. That’s part of what makes it so hard to leave,” one victim explained. This inconsistency keeps victims trapped in a cycle of hope and despair, where they constantly question whether their experiences are valid or if they’re simply overreacting.
The Frustration of Being Disbelieved
One of the most painful aspects of emotional abuse is the lack of validation from others. Physical abuse is visible and undeniable, but emotional abuse is often dismissed as “just words” or “a misunderstanding.” Victims are left feeling isolated and misunderstood, as if their suffering isn’t real or important.
“There were many times I would have rather that he hit me than say the horrific things he said. At least with the bruises I could prove there was actually abuse. The words were harder to recover from and were ridiculed by others as ‘words aren’t physical harm,'” shared one survivor.
This lack of validation is particularly devastating when victims seek help from the legal system. “My sister’s ex is emotionally and financially abusive too, and she has also said she wishes he had hit her so that the courts would believe her. Even with evidence, they didn’t care. They just made excuses for him and granted 50/50 custody of my nephew,” another person revealed. The frustration of not being believed or taken seriously compounds the trauma and leaves victims feeling even more trapped and powerless.
The Invisible Bruises of Psychological Warfare
The emotional and psychological abuse that victims endure often involves a range of manipulative tactics, including gaslighting, financial control, and the use of children as pawns. These forms of abuse are designed to erode the victim’s autonomy and self-worth, making it increasingly difficult for them to leave the relationship or even recognize that they are being abused.
“Yes, I was always hoping for physical damage but that didn’t happen—it was all much more subtle and terrifying and stressful,” one victim shared. The constant fear, anxiety, and self-doubt that come with emotional abuse can be more damaging than physical violence, as they leave the victim feeling powerless and hopeless.
“No one will understand you. They’ll think ‘it’s just a small misunderstanding that made you decide to walk out of that abusive relationship.’ They think you’re just overreacting, you’re immature. Mental and emotional abuse is way more hard and worse than physical abuse. I know physical abuse is not a joke, but my point is physical abuse is visible! It can be seen by many, unlike emotional/mental abuse, no one notices your sufferings,” another survivor expressed. This quote highlights the profound isolation that victims of emotional abuse experience, as they are often left to suffer in silence, with no visible evidence to prove their pain.
The Desperate Wish for Something Tangible
For many victims, the wish for physical violence is a desperate cry for recognition and validation. They long for something that can be seen and understood, something that would make it clear to themselves and others that what they are experiencing is indeed abuse.
But the heartbreaking reality is that abuse is not always physical, and the scars left by emotional and psychological abuse can be just as deep, if not deeper, than those left by physical violence. The impact of emotional abuse can last a lifetime, affecting the victim’s mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.
The Path to Healing and Empowerment
The journey to healing from emotional and psychological abuse is a difficult one, but it is possible. Recognizing the abuse for what it is, seeking support, and reclaiming one’s sense of self-worth are crucial steps in the process of recovery.
In the end, the most important lesson for victims of emotional and psychological abuse is this: It IS domestic abuse. You deserve better. You deserve to be treated with love, respect, and kindness. And while the scars of emotional abuse may not be visible, they are real, and your pain is valid. Take the time to heal, rebuild, and remember that you are worthy of a life free from abuse.
Featured image: Why abuse victims wish their partner would hit them. Source: Syda Productions / Adobe Stock.
