Minimization is a manipulative tactic used by domestic abusers to excuse their harmful actions. When an abuser minimizes, they downplay the severity of their behavior, making it seem less problematic. They refuse to take responsibility for the extent of the abuse and the level of harm they have caused. They then shift the blame onto the victim for feeling hurt or exaggerating the situation.
The Subtle Art of Minimization
An abuser will usually engage in minimization when their partner confronts them about an abusive incident that occurred. Often, they will acknowledge some wrongdoing but refuse to accept the full extent of the abuse and its impact. Statements like “It wasn’t that bad, get over it” or “I barely touched you,” are typical examples.
Dr. George Simon, leading expert on manipulators and author of In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People, says, “They do this to make themselves feel better about what they did, as well as to manipulate other’s impressions of them. Their primary objective is to get you to believe that there’s nothing wrong with the kind of person they are.” (p. 117)
The Manipulative Nature of Minimization
Dr. Simon, who has spent countless hours interviewing and counselling abusers, explains that they frequently use the words “just” and “only” to diminish the impact of their actions. For example, “I only slapped her and there was no strength in it” or “I just pushed her a little; it’s not like I hit her or anything.”
“The story is always the same. What they mean to do is convince me that I would be wrong to conclude that their behavior was really as wrong as they know I suspect,” writes Dr. Simon. “Minimization is not primarily the way they make themselves feel better about what they did, it’s primarily the way they try to manipulate my impression of them. They don’t want me to see them as a person who behaves like a thug.”
The Abuser’s Mindset
Lundy Bancroft, who has worked with abusive men for more than 30 years, explores the abuser’s mindset in his book Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
Bancroft explains that in the abuser’s mind, his behavior is never truly abusive. They sit comfortably with this belief by comparing themselves to “worse” abusers, believing that as long as they don’t cross certain lines, their behavior doesn’t qualify as serious.
“If he never threatens his partner, then to him threats define real abuse. If he only threatens but never actually hits, then real abusers are those who hit,” Bancroft writes. “Any abuser hides behind this mental process: If he hits her but never punches her with a closed fist . . . If he punches her but she has never had broken bones or been hospitalized . . . In the abuser’s mind, his behavior is never truly violent.” (p. 159)
This mentality allows them to justify their actions and avoid taking full responsibility. When faced with legal consequences, such abusers often feel outraged, perceiving the system as unfair. They blame everyone else rather than accepting their abusive behavior.
The Psychological Impact on Victims
Minimization is a covert emotional abuse tactic that can have a devastating impact on victims. It creates a distorted reality where severe behaviors appear ‘not that bad,’ leading victims to doubt their own perceptions and memories.
Bancroft notes that victims often have clearer and more accurate memories of abusive incidents due to the hyper-alert state they are in during dangerous situations. Despite this, abusers accuse them of exaggeration or dishonesty to discredit them or ‘get them in trouble’. This gaslighting tactic causes the victim to experience significant self-doubt and reduced self-confidence.
Victims often want to believe the excuses their abusive partners make because it is difficult to accept the harsh reality of their situation. People naturally seek rational explanations for irrational behavior, especially when it involves someone they care about. Abusers are skilled at manipulation and coercion, making their victims feel responsible for the abuse.
Part of the healing process for victims involves recognizing and overcoming their own tendencies to minimize their experiences. Accepting the full reality of their situation is crucial for recovery. This acknowledgment helps them understand the true impact of the abuse, enabling them to seek appropriate support and begin the journey towards healing and rebuilding their lives.
References
Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.
Simon, G. K. (1996). In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers Inc.
Featured image: Minimization is a manipulative tactic. Source: Tinnakorn / Adobe Stock.
