Abusive relationships often operate under a veil of excuses and justifications that the perpertrator uses to rationalize his behavior. It’s important for victims and others to be able to recognize these excuses, including the act of excusing abuse itself, and to understand that they are forms of manipulation. This article looks at ten common reasons abusers use to justify their actions.
1. “I Love You Too Much”
Abusers often disguise their jealousy and controlling behaviors as acts of love and concern. Lundy Bancroft, in his work ‘Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men,’ discusses how abusers equate love with ownership and use their apparent “love” to justify their possessive behaviors (Bancroft, 2002).
At the start of a relationship, abusers often shower their partners with too much affection, attention, and grand gestures. This is known as ‘love-bombing’. While this might feel flattering at first, it’s actually a warning sign of their lack of respect for your autonomy and personal space. The change from apparent devotion to control is often so gradual that the victim doesn’t notice it is happening. The claim of loving “too much,” used to excuse jealousy and possessiveness, tends to reappear throughout the relationship.
2. “You Provoked Me”
The blame game is a classic strategy where abusers shift responsibility onto their partners. It suggests their actions were a direct response to their partner’s behavior. Patricia Evans highlights this tactic in ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship,’ where abusers absolve themselves of guilt by blaming the victim for provoking them (Evans, 1996). One of my ex-husband’s favorite phrases to use when he was enraged was, “You just love making me angry don’t you?!”
This tactic deflects accountability and makes their partner believe they are at fault for the abuse they endure. Over time, this can lead to a cycle where the victim modifies their behavior in an attempt to avoid “provoking” the abuser.
3. “I Had a Bad Day”
Externalizing the cause of their abusive behavior, abusers often cite ‘a bad day’ or external stressors as reasons for his actions. Excusing abuse in this way aims to generate sympathy and understanding from his partner. It ignores the fact that he chooses to be abusive.
During the Covid pandemic, when my ex-husband’s erratic behavior and emotional abuse worsened, he said it was because he was stressed by everything going on around him. However, the reality is that most people in the world were stressed during this period, and certainly not everyone chose to become abusive!
Blaming abuse on a ‘bad day’ shifts the emotional labor onto the victim, who often feels compelled to provide comfort or forgiveness, regardless of her own emotional state. It creates a dynamic where the abuser’s needs and feelings are always prioritized. His partner’s primary role, on the other hand, is to support and placate him. Over time, the abuser’s partner comes to neglect her own emotional needs as she becomes increasingly focused on managing his reactions.
4. “I Was Just Joking”
Minimization of abusive actions through humor is a tactic discussed by Beverly Engel in ‘The Emotionally Abusive Relationship.’ Abusers belittle or degrade their partners under the guise of jokes, later dismissing any hurt feelings as the victim being too sensitive (Engel, 2002).
Using “it was just a joke” as an excuse makes the victim feel like they’re the problem for not understanding the humor or for being too easily upset. This tactic makes an individual stop speaking up about things that hurt them. They feel worried they’ll be seen as too serious or sensitive. Over time, they might start blaming themselves for feeling hurt instead of seeing the abuser’s actions as wrong.
5. “I Can’t Control It”
Abusers often deflect responsibility for their behavior by claiming that they momentarily lost control. Carol Lambert, in her book ‘Women with Controlling Partners,’ explains how this excuse is based on the false idea that abusers are helpless in the face of their impulses (Lambert, 2016).
This myth is also contradicted by the fact that abusers usually only act abusively in private, towards their partners, while maintaining a facade of normalcy with friends, colleagues, and others. This selective behavior clearly demonstrates that abusers are indeed capable of controlling their actions. They choose to exert their abusive behaviors where they feel most empowered to do so—within the confines of their intimate relationships.
6. “I Had a Rough Childhood”
While past trauma can influence behavior, abusers may use their difficult backgrounds as justification for abuse. This manipulative tactic seeks to evoke pity and understanding, rather than addressing and changing abusive patterns.
Saying they had a tough childhood turns attention away from what they’re doing wrong in the present and instead focuses attention on their past, making people feel sorry for them instead of calling them out. This makes their partner think they should be more understanding and put up with the abuse. It’s a sneaky way to avoid getting blamed and makes the victim deal with the abuser’s old problems.
7. “You’re Misinterpreting Things”
Gaslighting, or manipulating someone into questioning their reality, is a form of psychological abuse where abusers deny the victim’s experience. This excuse serves to invalidate the victim’s feelings and perceptions, further entrenching the power imbalance.
When abusers say you’re taking things the wrong way, they’re twisting the truth to make you doubt what you know and feel. This trick makes you trust their word over your own thoughts, giving them more control over you. It’s a clever way for them to keep you under their thumb, making sure you second-guess yourself anytime you think they’re in the wrong. This makes it harder for you to stand up to them because you start to question if you’re the one that is seeing things wrong.
8. “I Promise It Won’t Happen Again”
Following abusive episodes, abusers often make empty promises of change. When abusers say “It won’t happen again” but keep repeating the behavior, they’re playing a game to keep their partner from leaving. This cycle, characterized by episodes of abuse followed by remorse and false promises, is a pattern identified by researchers as a tactic to keep victims hopeful for a change that never materializes. The victim ends up stuck, always waiting for an improvement that never comes.
9. “It’s Just Because I Was Drunk”
Blaming abusive behavior on alcohol or substance use is another common excuse. While substances can exacerbate violence, they do not cause abusive behavior; this excuse shifts blame away from the abuser’s choices and actions.
An abuser uses this tactic to try to dodge responsibility, acting as if the alcohol made them do it. But drinking doesn’t make someone abusive; it just might show more of who they already are.
10. “No One Will Believe You”
Abusers may undermine the victim’s credibility, suggesting that attempts to seek help or expose the abuse will be futile. This tactic isolates the victim further and discourages them from reaching out for support.
This strategy is designed to make a victim doubt if anyone would take their side or help them. This makes the individual scared to tell anyone about the abuse, leaving them feeling alone and stuck. This not only stops them from getting support but also makes them feel like their story doesn’t matter to others.
Abusers will use every trick in the book to try to excuse their behavior. My ex-husband, who was born in a different country and culture to my own, would tell me that his behavior was ‘normal’ in his country and failure to accept that meant I was being racist.
Recognizing these excuses for what they are—manipulations designed to justify abuse and maintain control—is the first step in breaking the cycle of abuse. Victims and those around them must see through these rationalizations to understand that abuse is always a choice, and one for which abusers must be held accountable. Ultimately, there is no excuse for abuse, ever!
References
Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Penguin Publishing Group.
Engel, B. (2002). The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. John Wiley & Sons.
Evans, P. (1996). The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond. Adams Media Corporation.
Lambert, Carol A. (2016). Women with Controlling Partners: Taking Back Your Life from a Manipulative or Abusive Partner. New Harbinger Publications.
