Brandie, a survivor of domestic violence, experienced years of abuse and manipulation from a man she met through a Christian dating site. What makes her story particularly harrowing is not just the abuse she endured but how the church, a place she believed would provide support, instead enabled her abuser and left her to fend for herself.
Finding Faith and Falling into a Trap
Brandie became a Christian shortly before meeting her abuser on a Christian dating site. As a new believer, she sought a partner who shared her faith, and her abuser initially seemed like the perfect match. He was active in the church, participating in the worship team and helping with youth activities. Their relationship started well, but it didn’t take long for the emotional abuse to begin. Brandie found herself being insulted, manipulated, and isolated. He used biblical teachings to control her, making her believe that she was the one at fault and needed to change.
The situation escalated when her abuser turned to physical violence. The first instance of this occurred when Brandie confronted her abuser about his controlling behavior. In a fit of rage, he shoved her against the wall, grabbed her by the throat, and covered her mouth to silence her cries for help. This terrifying episode marked the beginning of increasingly violent outbursts, where he would push, shove, and physically restrain her whenever she attempted to assert herself or seek help.
Then, the situation took an even darker turn. Brandie discovered that her abuser was living a double life, engaged to her while simultaneously living with another woman. Despite this betrayal, he manipulated her into staying, using religious arguments to convince her that their relationship could be redeemed. She continued to endure his abuse, believing that if she just tried harder, things would improve.
The Church’s Failure to Support Her
When Brandie went to her church for help, she was met with disbelief and betrayal. Initially, she reached out anonymously, fearful of the repercussions. However, when she finally confided in her pastor, her fears were realized. Rather than helping her, the pastor broke confidentiality and disclosed everything she had shared to her abuser. This led to her enduring even worse abuse from her partner. Brandie was then ostracized by the church, told she was no longer welcome until she “learned her place.”
This betrayal was devastating for Brandie. The church, which she believed would protect her and hold her abuser accountable, instead took his side. Her abuser was well-liked within the congregation, and despite the evidence Brandie provided, the church refused to take action against him. Brandie was left isolated, trapped, and powerless. The place she sought refuge, became another source of harm.
The Role of the Church in Enabling Abuse
Brandie’s experience highlights a disturbing reality: religious institutions can sometimes enable abusers by refusing to acknowledge the abuse or by prioritizing the reputation of the abuser over the safety of the victim. In Brandie’s case, her abuser’s involvement in church activities and his friendships with church leaders made them side with her abuser instead of her. This allowed the abuse to continue unchecked, putting her at even greater risk.
Dr David Hawkins, author of When Loving Him is Hurting You: Hope and Help for Women Dealing With Narcissism and Emotional Abuse, explains that the church is one of the few places a woman can go for help when she is experiencing abuse. “Her hope is that the leadership will provide the context for healing, surrounding her family with correction, support, accountability, and love by shepherding them to health and godliness.” (2017, p. 124).
However, Dr Hawkins explains that this is often not what happens. “Unfortunately, many don’t find a safe, listening ear. Many are met with distant, preachy counsel that leaves them feeling unprotected and even more confused… Often the church offers men protection while shaming women into going back to the abuse, all in the name of faith” (p. 124).
Brandie’s Journey to Help Others
After finally escaping the relationship, Brandie chose to use her experience to help other women in similar situations. She now works to raise awareness about the dangers of coercive control and the role that religious manipulation can play in abusive relationships. Through her blog, she provides resources and support for women who find themselves trapped in abusive relationships, especially those who feel abandoned by their religious communities.
You can learn more about Brandie’s work and her journey on her blog here.
Featured image: Brandie Source: YouTube Screenshot / MJB Productions.
