Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic to gain power and control over someone. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial, as it plants seeds of uncertainty in a person’s mind. This self-doubt makes the person question their reality.
The term “gaslighting” comes from the 1944 movie “Gas Light.” In the movie, Gregory, played by Charles Boyer, tries to make his wife Paula, played by Ingrid Bergman, question her reality. He makes the gas lights flicker but when she notices it, he tells Paula it’s all in her mind. These lies and deception keep her feeling off-balance and disoriented.
Gaslighting happens in toxic relationships and is a form of psychological abuse. It is common in romantic relationships but can also occur in family or workplace settings.
Gaslighting is so disorienting that victims often don’t realize it’s happening. It can harm your mental health and well-being if not addressed.
Here are 15 signs of gaslighting in a relationship.
Signs of Gaslighting
1. Lies: The Foundation of Gaslighting
People who engage in gaslighting are often habitual and pathological liars. They typically lie blatantly and consistently, refusing to back down or change their stories in the face of evidence. Even when the truth is clear, gaslighters can be very persuasive. They might twist stories to cast themselves in a better light or falsely accuse you of being mistaken, forgetful, or distrustful. A common example is denying having an affair despite clear proof, such as incriminating texts.
This relentless lying is more than just a manipulation tactic; it’s a hallmark of a toxic personality that leaves the victim in constant doubt and confusion. Regular deceit can be extremely disorienting, making it difficult to trust others and severely impacting mental health.
2. Denying Reality, Erasing the Truth
Gaslighters will frequently deny events or insist they occurred differently from how you remember them. For instance, they might deny promising to do something for you or claim they never shouted at you when they did. Common phrases from gaslighters include, “I never agreed to that,” “Did you forget again? I’m worried about you,” or simply, “That never happened.”
They often deny lying, hurting your feelings, or any wrongdoing. Instead, they insist you misunderstood, remembered incorrectly, or are fabricating things to hurt them. They might even blame you for your reaction rather than taking responsibility. These denials can erode your sense of reality, making you doubt your own memories.
3. Attacking What You Love Most
Gaslighters use manipulative tactics to make you question yourself and your values by targeting what you hold dear. If you love your job, they might criticize it, making you doubt your career choice. If you have children, they might make you feel like a terrible parent. For example, “You shouldn’t have had kids if you can’t handle them.” By attacking what you love most, they are targeting your identity and sense of self-worth.
Gaslighters may also mock your hobbies, favorite movies, or fashion choices. Harmless teasing turns into constant belittling of your interests. The goal is to slowly erode your self-esteem and to rely on their approval. Gaslighters believe they know what’s best for you and make you doubt your judgment. Their aim is to make you dependent on them, stripping away your autonomy and reinforcing their control.
4. Words Versus Actions: The Empty Promises
Using words to hide or excuse bad behavior is another sign of gaslighting. They may say they care about you but their actions may be inconsistent with love and care. For example, they might claim to support you while criticizing your choices. They may promise to help with chores but never lift a finger. Or, they might say they value your opinion but constantly dismiss your ideas and feelings. If someone consistently behaves the same way, believe the pattern, not the promises.
5. Mixed Messages: The Intermittent Reinforcement Trap
Gaslighters mix positive reinforcement with criticism to confuse you. They may insult and belittle you one day and offer affection and praise the next. This mixed messaging leaves you feeling uneasy and questioning your perception. You might think, “Maybe they aren’t so bad.” The constant switching between kindness and cruelty is disorienting. You never know what to expect, leaving you always off-balance and unsure of your standing.
6. Twisting Your Words: Conversations Turned Upside Down
Gaslighters use many tactics to manipulate conversations and twist words to their advantage. They talk in circles, deflect questions, repeat your questions, flip the conversation onto you, and shift blame. They may also use your words against you in order to make you feel guilty or ashamed. These strategies disorient and overwhelm the listener.
When confronted, they might change the subject to avoid accountability. They may use sarcasm or passive-aggressive comments to subtly undermine your confidence. They may also use charm or flattery to manipulate your emotions, making you more susceptible. Another tactic is ‘putting words in your mouth.’ For example, if you express that you are overwhelmed and need space, they might respond with, “You don’t care about me at all.” They take what you have said and apply a different meaning to your words than what you intended.
These methods divert attention from their actions and obscure the truth, making it hard for you to identify the manipulation or argue back.
7. Projecting: The Blame Game in Gaslighting
Projecting is when the abuser blames their own negative characteristics or behaviors on the victim. They accuse you of doing things that they are actually doing themselves. This tactic manipulates your perception of reality and adds to your confusion. For example, they might accuse you of cheating when they are the ones being unfaithful. Or, they might tell you that you are being paranoid when that is how they are feeling.
The gaslighter projects their own inadequacies onto the victim to maintain power and control. This tactic not only distorts your reality but also makes you feel responsible for their behavior.
8. Calling You Crazy & Questioning Your Sanity
A frequent tactic of abusers is telling you that you’re crazy. This makes it hard for you to trust your own judgment. Gaslighters use this strategy to make you believe your thoughts and feelings are wrong or exaggerated. They might say things like, “There’s something wrong with you,” or “You’re overreacting.” They also use phrases like, “You’re just imagining things,” or “You need help.”
A gaslighter aims to erode your confidence and make you doubt your sanity. By repeatedly saying you’re crazy, they keep you fearful and insecure, which makes controlling you easier.
9. Changing Rules and Shifting Goalposts
A gaslighter creates uncertainty by changing rules and expectations without warning. They might say they are fine with their partner spending time with friends of the opposite sex but then become jealous and controlling when it happens. This unpredictable behavior confuses their partner.
By constantly changing the rules, the gaslighter gains power and control. Their partner never knows what to expect or how to act. This keeps the partner off-balance and makes it easier for the gaslighter to manipulate and control them.
10. Everyone Else is A Liar
Among the signs of gaslighting is telling you that everyone else is lying and against them. They do this because they know you can get support and validation from others. When you talk to others, you can cross-check your memories and perceptions. By saying everyone else is lying, the gaslighter makes you doubt this support.
This tactic blurs your sense of reality and makes you rely more on the gaslighter. Without outside validation, you further question your own thoughts and memories. This gives the gaslighter more control over you.
11. Manipulating Reality
One of the most extreme forms of gaslighting is when someone manipulates your reality. For example, in the movie “Gaslight,” Gregory changes the gas lights and tells Paula she’s imagining it. This vindictive strategy includes hiding objects and pretending they know nothing about it. They might say, “You lost your keys again? You really have a problem with your memory.”
Another example is moving things around and denying it. They could say, “Why do you keep misplacing things? You need to be more organized.” These actions make you doubt your memory and perception, and really feel like you are going mad!
12. Minimizing Your Emotions
Gaslighters will often undermine or minimize your emotions to make your reality seem invalid. They accuse you of being “too sensitive,” “hysterical,” or “overly emotional,” making you feel unjustified in your anger, even when it’s valid. They constantly downplay your feelings or the importance of events. For example, if they lose a large sum of money gambling and you get upset, they might say, “Don’t be so dramatic,” “It’s not that bad,” or “You’re acting very childish.”
Additionally, they might tell you that your emotions are irrational or illogical, insisting that you shouldn’t feel the way you do. They may try to convince you to “get over it.” Remember, your feelings are valid and deserve respect, even if they don’t align with your partner’s opinion.
13. Triangulation: Third Party Chaos
Triangulation is a tactic used by gaslighters to manipulate and control their victims. It involves referring to other people to create doubt and confusion. For example, a gaslighter might say, “Even your friend thinks you’re being irrational,” which makes you question your own judgment.
The gaslighter also uses triangulation to manipulate relationships. They might say, “I heard your sister saying you’re too sensitive. Maybe she doesn’t want to spend time with you anymore.” This creates conflicts between the victim and their support network, weakening their connections.
By involving a third party, the gaslighter can create a sense of solidarity and support for their viewpoint, making it harder for you to argue against it. For instance, “Everyone at work agrees with me that you’re overreacting.”
Gaslighters use triangulation to isolate you and make you more dependent on them for validation and support.
14. Exploiting Your Vulnerabilities
When a gaslighter knows your vulnerabilities, they will exploit them to gain control. For example, if they know you are self-conscious about your weight, they might make negative comments about your appearance. They can use past traumas to manipulate, saying hurtful things like, “Your father left because he didn’t care about you.” If you’ve had substance abuse or mental health issues, they will use this to make you doubt yourself. For instance, “You seem stressed, I hope you aren’t slipping back into your old habits.” These tactics are extremely hurtful and aim to destroy your self-worth and confidence.
15. Countering Your Memories
Countering, a common gaslighting tactic, involves the abuser challenging the victim’s memories and perceptions. The gaslighter questions the accuracy of the victim’s recollection, making statements like, “Are you sure that’s how it happened? You always mix things up,” “You’re remembering it wrong; I never said that,” or “That’s not how it went; you must be confused.” This approach aims to make the victim doubt their own memory, leading to confusion and self-doubt, and ultimately trust the abuser’s version of events instead.
Recognizing and Escaping Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a severe form of mental and emotional abuse. When someone gaslights you, it creates a fog of uncertainty and self-doubt, gradually wearing down your self-confidence. This form of manipulation is extremely harmful to your well-being, leading to confusion, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and low self-esteem. It can leave you feeling isolated and helpless.
If you find yourself constantly questioning your reality, feeling anxious, and apologizing excessively, these are signs of gaslighting, and you might be a victim. If you suspect you are being gaslit, it’s important to set clear boundaries, seek support from trusted friends or professionals, and consider ending the relationship if the abuse continues. Taking action to stop gaslighting will protect your mental health and help you regain your sense of self.
References
Grampian Women’s Aid. Coercive Control: 10 Signs it’s Gaslighting.
Connected Brain Counseling. Is Your Husband Gaslighting You? 10 Signs of Gaslighting. Retrieved from
Sofia Wellness Clinic. 10 Signs of Gaslighting and How to Protect Yourself.
Featured image: Gaslighting is confusing and disorientating. Source: mitarart / Adobe Stock.
