Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest steps a person can make. It requires extraordinary bravery to walk away from someone who controlled, manipulated, or hurt you—especially when fear and affection are so deeply tangled. But for many people who make that brave decision, the heartbreak doesn’t end with freedom. Instead, they face something just as devastating: not being believed after abuse.
This second form of betrayal doesn’t come from the person who harmed them—it often comes from those they expected to offer support: friends, family members, co-workers, professionals, or even entire communities. And the emotional damage it causes runs just as deep.
Reaching for support, but met with blame
After breaking away from abuse, survivors often want to share their stories and begin to make sense of their experiences. But when they are met with denial or judgment, the emotional impact can be jarring.
One survivor shared, “After being able to share some of what it was like, hoping for some comfort, my stepmother said, ‘I told you not to move in with him.’”
Another recalled, “My mom said, ‘He must’ve really been upset when he got fired from his job,’ as if that was a good reason to abuse me.”
While these remarks may seem harmless or even caring to the speaker, they can feel like echoes of the abuse for the survivor. They invalidate what happened and often mirror the gaslighting or deflection used by the abuser. For someone not being believed after abuse, these responses deepen the trauma.
The pain of being dismissed and misjudged
Even after escaping, survivors may find that the harm doesn’t stop. This time, it’s not physical or verbal abuse—it’s disbelief, downplaying, or denial of what they’ve endured.
Phrases like “It wasn’t that bad” or “Sorry things didn’t work out” might sound polite, but to the survivor, they can feel like another round of gaslighting.
One survivor recalled, “I can’t believe you left him; he was such a good man,” repeating the kind of denial they’d already endured in the relationship. Another said, “You should’ve said something sooner,” a phrase that shifts blame onto the survivor rather than acknowledging the complexity and fear that kept them silent.
These reactions breed shame and uncertainty, leaving survivors isolated and unsupported—especially harmful when they’ve already struggled with not being believed after abuse.
When disbelief becomes a wound of its own
Being met with disbelief isn’t just disappointing—it can create lasting emotional scars. When someone who’s escaped an abusive situation begins to doubt their own memory, their sense of reality, or their right to feel hurt, recovery becomes much harder.
“My own mother had the audacity to say I must have liked the abuse,” said one woman. “I love her from a distance now… I don’t have to put up with her mental abuse either.”
“I have several friends who still don’t fully comprehend how bad or dangerous it all was for me,” one woman said. “That made me doubt my own experiences at a vulnerable time when I was still getting over being gaslit by him.”
Another survivor shared, “The cop I reported to said, ‘You’re just making this up,’ after doing zero investigation.”
These aren’t isolated stories. For many, the experience of not being believed after abuse happens repeatedly—eroding the fragile ground they’re trying to stand on.
When systems that promise safety fall short
It’s deeply painful when friends and family don’t listen. But when professionals dismiss your trauma, it can be downright traumatic. Survivors are often told to trust these services. They’re promised safety. But when those same systems ignore them, the betrayal cuts even deeper.
One woman said, “I told the therapist what he did, and she asked me what I had done to trigger him. I never went back.”
Another shared, “My child told the judge he was scared of his dad. I tried to protect him, but they said I was alienating him. Then they gave full custody to the man he was afraid of.”
Another recalled reporting a strangulation incident: “The cop never investigated and just said I was making it up.”
For anyone not being believed after abuse, this kind of institutional disbelief reinforces the trauma. It tells survivors their truth doesn’t matter—and that no one will help.
Why it’s easier for some to deny than accept
People often find it easier to dismiss or question a survivor’s account than to accept that someone they know could be abusive. Many people still believe abuse must be loud, visible, or physical—and they struggle to recognize coercive or emotional abuse when it doesn’t fit those expectations.
“There’s this idea that abuse has to look like bruises and black eyes,” one survivor said. “But for me, it was the constant erosion of self-worth. When I talked about it, people looked at me like I was overreacting.”
Another added, “I wish people knew how many of us look ‘fine’ on the outside. How many of us smiled through hell.”
When others choose the easier version of the story—the one that denies abuse—they leave survivors bearing the full weight of not being believed after abuse.
The dangerous road back
One of the most harmful consequences of being dismissed is that many survivors end up returning to their abuser. Not because they wanted to—but because they were isolated, shamed, and made to feel their experiences weren’t real or serious.
“Real support can be felt,” one survivor said. “A lot head back to their abuser because they didn’t get support—they got reprimanded and invalidated.”
Another echoed the heartbreak of this cycle: “I left once and no one believed me—not even my closest friend. I started wondering if I was overreacting. So I went back. And things got worse.”
When survivors are met with disbelief, they’re left carrying the trauma alone. That silence can become overwhelming—and sometimes, dangerous.
Restoring belief, one voice at a time
Recovering from abuse is already a long and painful journey. But trying to heal while also coping with not being believed after abuse adds a heavy layer of grief. Survivors must look for new sources of support and affirmation—often in therapy, survivor groups, or anonymous spaces online.
“I wish someone had just said, ‘I believe you,’” one person said. “Those three words could have changed everything.”
Another said, “Quiet support. No questions, no judgment, but understanding, acceptance, acknowledgment… that’s what I needed.”
These moments of being believed are powerful. They help survivors reconnect with their truth and slowly rebuild what abuse and disbelief tried to destroy.
Not being believed after abuse is a profound and painful betrayal. But by listening with compassion, by choosing to trust survivors without judgment, we can help stop this secondary wound. And for those who’ve already lived it, know this: your story matters, your pain is real, and you never needed anyone’s permission to protect yourself or choose what was right for you.
Featured image: When victims are not believed. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
