Victims of domestic abuse often face questions like “Why didn’t you leave?” or “Why did you stay?” These questions wrongly suggest that victims are to blame for their situation. They also fail to consider the complexities of abusive relationships.
It is common for people to think, “I’d leave immediately if my partner treated me that way.” After all, if someone harms you, leaving the relationship seems like a clear solution. However, leaving an abusive relationship is rarely as simple as just walking away.
“Why Did You Stay?” – From Blame to Understanding
Those who have never faced abuse may not realize the intense fear, manipulation, and control that abusers exert. There are also many emotional, physical, and practical challenges involved in leaving.
Escaping an abusive relationship involves complex planning, like finding a safe place to live, securing finances, and protecting children. The fear of retaliation and sorting out a life intertwined with the abuser are significant barriers. For many, leaving means not just moving out but entirely rebuilding their lives under the threat of continued abuse.
To effectively support victims, it’s important to understand why people remain in abusive relationships. Common reasons include:
Fear – Victims are often scared that if they attempt to leave, their abusers will retaliate against them. Abusers, having already established a pattern of fear, control, and intimidation, typically escalate their threats when a partner considers leaving. They may threaten to harm or even kill the victim, their children, other family members, or pets. Such threats are taken seriously by victims due to the abuser’s prior actions. Consequently, the time around escaping an abusive relationship is generally the most dangerous.
Children – Many victims feel guilty about the possibility of breaking up their family, a sentiment that abusers exploit to make them stay. They may believe it is in the children’s best interest to maintain a two-parent home, especially if the abuser has not physically harmed the children. It is common to underestimate the psychological impact on children who witness or directly experience physical or emotional abuse. Another obstacle is that abusers may threaten to harm the children or seek sole custody if their partner were to leave. These threats make leaving even more challenging for victims with children.
Financial constraints – Most domestic violence cases also include economic abuse, where the abuser has control over their partner’s money. This control extends to financial records, credit cards, and bank accounts, preventing the victim from escaping or supporting themselves and their children.
Isolation – Abusers often isolate victims from their family, friends, and colleagues. It’s a manipulation tactic that increases the likelihood a survivor will stay with the abuser.
Threats – Victims may be coerced into staying in a relationship through threats to expose private information. This can include revenge porn or threats to reveal secrets or confidential details that could jeopardize their partner’s career.
Shame – Admitting to being abused can be incredibly challenging. Individuals may blame themselves, believing they deserve the abuse or see it as a sign of their own weakness. This self-blame complicates their ability to leave or seek help.
Hope – Abusers often manipulate their victims into thinking that the abuse will stop. This belief is reinforced by the abuser’s apologies and excuses, which may blame external factors like job stress or substance abuse. Not wanting the marriage or relationship to fail, the victim clings to hope that things will improve.
Love – Abuse doesn’t necessarily erase feelings of love that victims have for their abusers. Often, a confusing blend of affection and aggression, mistreatment and apologies, and praise and criticism keep the victim bonded to their partner. Victims usually hold on to memories of happier times and the version of their partner they first fell in love with.
Fifty Reasons to Stay
In addition to the above, there are many more reasons why someone may feel unable to escape an abusive partner. Sarah Buel, JD, a clinical professor of law at Arizona State University, has dedicated over three decades to working with domestic violence survivors and their children. She is also a survivor of domestic violence, having fled from her abusive husband years ago with her young son. Drawing from her extensive experience, Buel compiled a list of 50 reasons why victims often remain with their abusers, including:
- Many survivors feel hopeless about navigating the complex legal and social service system.
- If the abuser holds significant power in the community, such as being wealthy, politically connected, or famous, it can influence the survivor’s decisions.
- Victims might not recognize their situation as abuse if they grew up in an abusive environment, seeing it as ‘normal.’
- Denial about the abuser’s potential danger can prevent survivors from escaping.
- Divorce might conflict with a survivor’s religious beliefs.
- Family pressure can come from relatives who see no valid reason to end a marriage.
- Survivors commonly feel guilty, manipulated into believing their ‘incompetent’ behavior caused the abuse.
- Survivors with mental illnesses face additional challenges, as they might be disbelieved or discriminated against, especially if the abuser labels them as ‘crazy.’
- Limited housing options, full shelters, and the risk of endangering friends or family can leave survivors feeling they have nowhere safe to go.
- Lack of job skills can trap survivors in low-paying jobs without benefits or flexibility, making financial independence difficult.
- Substance abuse by either the survivor or abuser complicates the decision to seek help, often due to fears of losing custody of children.
- Low self-esteem, fueled by verbal abuse and blame, can make survivors feel responsible for the abuse.
- Undocumented individuals may avoid reporting abuse due to fears about impacting their immigration status.
Asking The Wrong Questions
Jess Hill, the author of See What You Made Me Do: Power Control and Domestic Abuse, points out a critical flaw in the conversations surrounding domestic abuse. She emphasizes that the common question, “Why didn’t you just leave?” is misguided. Instead, we should ask, “Why doesn’t he stop abusing her?” This shift in questioning seeks to place responsibility squarely on the abuser rather than the victim, highlighting the real source of the problem.
There are numerous reasons why victims stay with abusers, which necessitates a deeper and more compassionate approach to discussing domestic abuse. Instead of attributing blame to victims, exploring how we can support them is more constructive. Questions such as “How can we help the victim leave?” or “How did the abuser stop their partner from leaving?” focus on solutions and understanding the mechanisms of control used by abusers.
Supporting victims effectively requires us to challenge our perceptions and the questions we ask about domestic abuse. By shifting the focus from asking victims, “Why did you stay?” to holding abusers accountable and understanding the complex dynamics at play, we can better support those affected by domestic violence.
References
Domestic Shelters. Barriers to Leaving.
Domestic Shelters. Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?
Hill, J. (2020). See What You Made Me Do: Power, Control and Domestic Abuse. Black Inc Books.
National Domestic Violence Hotline. Why People Stay.
Featured image: Domestic abuse victims find it hard to leave. Source: oreans / Adobe Stock.
