Leaving an abusive relationship is often seen as the conclusion of a painful chapter. But for many abuse survivors, what comes next can be even more disorienting. The aftermath of abuse often brings silence, confusion, and emotional turmoil. While outsiders may assume that the worst is over, survivors frequently find themselves navigating a new, lonely stage of healing.
In the absence of real understanding, knowing what to say to abuse survivors can make all the difference. A few sincere, supportive words can bring immense comfort. These are the messages survivors often needed most in the days, weeks, and months after they got out.
“You Did the Right Thing”
Those who leave abusive relationships often do so while carrying a heavy weight of fear and self-doubt. After enduring repeated messages that they were the problem, many survivors struggle to trust their own decision to leave.
“I needed someone to say, ‘You did the right thing,’” one survivor shared. “But instead, people said things like, ‘Sorry it didn’t work out’—as if I’d ended a normal relationship.”
Another said, “After everything he did, my mom asked if we could work it out—for the kids. I had to explain that he had already chosen drugs, cheating, and abuse over us.”
Even kind but misinformed responses can lead survivors to question themselves. But the reality is clear: leaving wasn’t the mistake. The toxic conditions that made leaving necessary were.
“It Was Never Your Fault”
This short sentence can be one of the most powerful things someone can say to an abuse survivor—yet it often goes unsaid.
“I wish someone had said, ‘It wasn’t your fault.’ Over and over again,” one woman wrote. “Instead, I got silence. Or worse, blame.”
Another remembered, “I was told I must have liked the abuse to have stayed so long. That hurt more than the abuse itself. That’s a wound I’m still healing from.”
Survivors often carry layers of shame—not just about the abuse itself, but about the time it took to leave. The truth is that abuse is never the survivor’s fault. What they need is not judgment, but continual reassurance that the blame lies solely with the abuser.
“I Believe You”
After being lied to, manipulated, and gaslit for years, survivors need their experiences validated. They need to hear that what they went through was real, and that someone believes them.
“I finally opened up about what I went through,” one survivor shared, “and the person I told said, ‘Are you sure it happened like that?’ I didn’t speak about it again for years.”
Another recalled, “When I reported my abuse, the police officer said, ‘You’re just making this up.’ He didn’t even investigate.”
Being dismissed retraumatizes survivors and reinforces the fear that no one will stand by them. Survivors should never have to prove their pain. Belief should be freely and firmly given.
“You Are Incredibly Brave”
Survivors don’t usually feel brave when they leave. Instead, they often feel afraid, overwhelmed, ashamed, and unsure. But walking away from abuse is an act of profound courage.
“I wish someone had said, ‘I’m proud of you. You’re doing great,’” one woman wrote. “Instead, I got questions. Judgment. Doubt.”
Another survivor reflected, “A friend told me, ‘What you did took guts.’ That stayed with me—it made me feel seen, like someone finally got how hard it really was.”
Even if survivors go back and leave again, or if healing is messy and nonlinear, the act of leaving remains a courageous step forward.
“It’s Okay to Have Mixed Feelings”
One of the most difficult parts of recovery is dealing with the complicated emotions that linger. Many survivors still feel affection, guilt, or longing for the person who hurt them, which can feel confusing or shameful.
“It would have helped to hear that it was okay to still love him,” one survivor said. “It didn’t mean I was going back. It just meant I was human.”
Another shared, “Some days I missed him and hated him at the same time—and I didn’t know what to do with that.”
Healing isn’t straight forward. Survivors deserve space to feel every emotion without being judged for it.
“You Don’t Have to Do This Alone”
The isolation survivors feel after leaving can be immense. Even though the relationship is over, the loneliness can deepen in the weeks that follow.
“I didn’t just lose my partner,” one survivor said. “I lost mutual friends, parts of my community, even my relationship with my own family.”
Another added, “So many people backed away. They didn’t know what to say, so they said nothing. And I felt like I was grieving alone.”
Those supporting survivors should continue to show up. Being present—with patience, not pressure—helps survivors feel less alone.
“Healing Will Take Time”
Many people assume that once someone leaves abuse, they should quickly move on and feel better. But that assumption ignores how long trauma lives in the body and mind.
One survivor shared, “My friend said to me, ‘Thank goodness that’s behind you now—you can start dating again.’ I felt completely unseen. I was still carrying so much trauma, and I hadn’t even begun to process what I’d been through.”
“It’s gonna take an ass-ton of time,” one woman said. “It’s a rollercoaster. Buckle up. But you’re gonna make it.”
Another added, “I didn’t want solutions. I wanted someone to sit with me in the dark and not try to fix it.”
Healing is a long, personal journey. Abuse survivors deserve time, space, and support as they work through the damage caused by what they endured.
Offering the Right Words to Abuse Survivors
What to say to abuse survivors matters more than most people realize. The wrong words can deepen shame and doubt, while the right ones can offer safety, clarity, and peace. When someone opens up about their story, take a breath before responding. Ask: what do they need most in this moment?
They need to know they aren’t broken. That their pain is valid. That healing is possible.
Above all, they need to hear this: They were hurt. They got out. They can heal. And they are not alone.
Featured Image: It may be difficult for others to know what to say to survivors, but there are some things people need to hear after leaving an abusive relationship. Source: Viacheslav Yakobchuk / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
