For many survivors of domestic abuse, the hardest person to forgive isn’t the one who hurt them—it’s themselves.
Even after leaving, after the danger has passed, many of us carry an invisible burden. The burden we carry is more than the trauma of what was done to us; there’s also guilt, self-blame, and regret for what we did or didn’t do in response to the abuse. We reflect on our choices: Why didn’t I leave sooner? Why did I believe them? Why didn’t I protect myself—or my children—better? And over time, these questions often morph into something much heavier: shame.
To begin forgiving ourselves, we first need to explore the complex reasons why shame exists in the first place.
Silent Self-Blame That Lingers
Abuse is designed to disempower. It chips away at your self-trust until you start doubting your instincts, your decisions, even your memories. And when you finally get out, you’re often left holding the wreckage, unsure how much of it you caused.
“I remember thinking,” one survivor shared, “maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’m remembering it wrong. Maybe I’m exaggerating.”
Another reflected on her feelings of guilt and self-blame, “I let that thing into my life. I gave it my soul. That’s something I have to live with.”
One woman said, “I used to think it was my fault. That I needed to communicate better. That if I just said things right, he’d understand.”
This kind of self-questioning is common in the aftermath of abuse—especially if you’ve been gaslighted, invalidated, or repeatedly blamed by the person who hurt you. And even when you intellectually understand that you were abused, the emotional residue lingers.
The Myth of the Perfect Reaction
Part of what makes forgiving yourself after abuse so difficult is the unrealistic standard we often impose on ourselves. We imagine the “ideal” survivor of abuse—someone who sees the red flags immediately, walks away at the first sign of harm, and never looks back. But that’s rarely how it works.
Abusers are skilled at weaving together kindness and cruelty. They create confusion, dependency, and hope. And survivors—especially those who were isolated or groomed from an early age—may not recognize the harm until they’re deep inside the cycle.
“I didn’t realize it was abuse until years after I left,” one survivor wrote. “I just knew I was unhappy, that I was losing pieces of myself, but I didn’t have the words for it yet.”
Another reflected, “For 30 years I kept thinking if I just did better or acted differently, things would change—until I realized they never would.”
Many of us punish ourselves for the ways we coped—whether that was minimizing the abuse, lashing out, staying too long, or shutting down emotionally. But those were survival mechanisms. You did the best you could with the knowledge and support you had at the time.
Self-forgiveness begins when we acknowledge the complexity of abuse. No one stayed because they were weak. Many of us stayed longer than we would have liked because our existence became trying to survive something that was designed to keep us trapped.
Grieving the Versions of Ourselves We Lost
Forgiving yourself also means grieving: grieving the years lost, the dreams that were derailed, the person you were before the abuse began. This grief is deeply personal and can be painful to sit with.
“I felt ashamed that I wasn’t able to save my marriage,” one survivor said. “That a devoted wife should have been able to help her husband overcome his addictions. I felt absolutely defeated.”
Another person said, “I feel like I lost out on so many great opportunities in my life because I didn’t leave him sooner. When I think about all the things I didn’t do and doors that are now closed to me since I spent so many years worried about keeping him happy, it makes me want to cry.”
Forgiving yourself means letting go of the illusion. It means no longer shaming yourself for believing in something that wasn’t real—because you wanted it to be and you deserve real and healthy love.
When Others Reinforce the Blame
One of the hardest parts of recovery is when others echo the blame we already place on ourselves. Whether it’s subtle judgment, religious condemnation, or outright dismissal, it can deepen the wounds and stall the process of healing.
“I was told, ‘Just get over it’—as if I hadn’t already tried,” one woman said.
Other survivors reported hearing, “No wonder he treated you like that” or “If it was so bad, why didn’t you just leave?”. This victim-blaming reflects a poor understanding of the power dynamics inherent in domestic abuse and invalidate survivors’ experiences.
When the world doesn’t offer compassion, it becomes even more crucial that we offer it to ourselves.
Reframing the Narrative
Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing everything you did or didn’t do. It means understanding your actions in the context of trauma. It means recognizing that you were manipulated, isolated, or afraid—and that your responses were human.
“I’ve forgiven myself for putting up with it,” one survivor said. “For falling into the trap. For the ways I could’ve behaved better. I’ve moved on and am constantly healing.”
“I used to beat myself up for not leaving sooner, especially because of the horrible things my children witnessed” another survivor shared. “But then I realised—I wasn’t free to choose. I was surviving the only way I knew how.”
You are not the person who set out to hurt you. You are the person who survived. And now, you’re a person who is healing.
Forgiving Yourself After Abuse is a Gentle, Ongoing Process
Self-compassion and forgiveness is not a one-time decision—it’s a process. Some days you’ll feel strong and clear. Other days the old voices will return, whispering blame and doubt. That’s normal. That’s part of it.
You don’t have to rush it. You don’t have to “get over it.” You’re allowed to move slowly. To feel it all. To forgive yourself in layers.
And when it feels too hard, come back to this:
You didn’t deserve what happened to you.
You were doing the best you could.
You are not broken—you were hurt.
And you are worthy of healing, love, and a life that is yours again.
Featured Image: Many survivors struggle with it, but it’s important to forgive yourself after abuse. Source: alexandre zveiger/ Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
