For many survivors of abuse, faith can be a source of comfort, strength, and belonging. But for others, religious communities become yet another place where their pain is ignored, their voices silenced, and their abusers protected. Spiritual teachings meant to offer healing are sometimes weaponized to keep domestic abuse survivors quiet and submissive—turning sacred spaces into sources of further harm.
When Scripture Becomes a Weapon
Many survivors report that religious texts or beliefs were used to justify staying with their abuser. Beliefs like “God hates divorce” or “submit to your husband” are twisted and stripped of context, used to pressure people—especially women—into enduring mistreatment for the sake of spiritual obedience.
One survivor wrote, “My narcissistic father always used our religion like a cricket bat to emotionally beat me over the head, so he could control me.”
“I was told I was going to hell if I left,” one woman said. “Even though he was abusing me and our child.” Another said, “Even today he was questioning my Christianity, saying my boundaries are unbiblical and abusive.”
Instead of being encouraged to seek safety, survivors are often told to pray harder, forgive more, or have more faith.
Another shared how her husband controlled her ability to express her faith, “My husband was not so religious but I am. If he caught me playing Christian music, all hell would break loose by physical abuse.”
The result for both of these situations is a deep internal conflict between spiritual belief and survival instinct.
Protecting the Abuser, Not the Victim
In many cases, abusers are respected members of their religious community—pastors, volunteers, “good husbands,” or regular churchgoers. A public persona as devout or upright can make it almost impossible for others to believe the person could be abusive behind closed doors.
“My ex father-in-law was a preacher,” one woman wrote. “Behind closed doors, he was a full-blown narc and abuser. Same as both his sons.” Another survivor said, “My church saw him as a wonderful, giving man. But they didn’t see what he did at home.”
This dissonance often leads communities to downplay the abuse, blame the victim, or quietly encourage her to stay for the sake of appearances. In some cases, church leadership actively discourages divorce or disclosure, prioritizing the image of a strong marriage or the institution over the wellbeing of the individual.
The Pressure to Stay Silent
For survivors who are religious, being shamed by their community is especially painful. They are often already struggling with guilt, confusion, and grief. Being told they are sinning by leaving an abuser—or worse, being ostracized for speaking up—only compounds their suffering.
“The worst is when we look the other way and allow church doctrines to prevent women from divorcing and make them stay for years in domestic violence,” one woman shared. Another said, “He abused me and then claimed I had to forgive him because we were Christians and as a Christian, I was called to forgive.”
This weaponized forgiveness can silence a survivor’s pain, forcing them to spiritually reconcile with someone who has shown no remorse, accountability, or change. This can escalate abuse over time since there are no repercussions for the abuser and the victim’s story is ignored.
Leaving Both the Abuse—and the Church
For some, leaving their abuser also meant leaving their faith community behind. The betrayal by those they trusted spiritually created wounds that ran just as deep as the abuse itself.
“My ex-husband abused me in every way. But what hurt almost as much was being shamed in church when I left him,” one woman explained. Another survivor said, “My friends’ church supported her abuser and told her she was being ungrateful. It broke her spirit. She doesn’t go to church anymore.”
When spiritual communities prioritize doctrine over human dignity and safety, survivors are left spiritually homeless—unable to find support in a space that once grounded them and with the people who claimed to care.
Finding Faith After Betrayal
Despite everything, many survivors eventually reclaim their faith—but on their own terms. They find new communities, redefine their relationship with God, or rebuild their spirituality in quiet, personal ways.
“Even though I left the church that enabled my abuser, I found a new one—one that listened, that believed, that didn’t ask me to pretend,” a survivor shared.
Another wrote, “I still believe in God. I just don’t believe in staying where my soul is dying.”
“A pastor from a different church came to me and told me he would come with me to the police. That one act changed everything,” another person shared. This shows that while some religious individuals and institutions may be complicit, others can offer true sanctuary.
For some survivors, faith becomes the very thing that leads them out of darkness.
Reclaiming Voice and Belief
The journey of healing after spiritual betrayal is long, but survivors do not have to walk it alone. There are faith leaders who speak up, communities that protect the vulnerable, and spaces that do not demand submission to abuse in exchange for salvation.
Reclaiming faith after a religious community denied or dismissed domestic abuse means allowing your own spirit to speak louder than the voices that once told you to stay silent. It means believing that your safety, your dignity, and your voice matter in the eyes of something bigger.
When coercive control and domestic abuse are denied by a religious community or these groups choose to help abusers maintain their public image over supporting survivors, they are failing those they claim to protect. But survivors are not alone, and despite what some religious practitioners may say, they are not wrong for leaving an abusive relationship and putting their wellbeing first.
No faith should require you to stay in harm’s way. If your religious community told you otherwise, know this: You don’t owe them your silence and submission. Your life matters more than their judgment.
Featured Image: Religious communities may dismiss domestic violence to “keep up appearances” and some abusers misrepresent religious teachings to control their partners. Source: Sana / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
