Victims of domestic violence frequently find ways to rationalize the abuse they are enduring, sometimes as a coping mechanism, other times because they believe they are at fault. These explanations are dangerous because they can prolong the abusive relationship, preventing them from seeking help, and making it harder for others to recognize the severity of the situation.
This article explores some of the most ways domestic abuse victims rationalize abusive behavior, as well as the underlying psychological and emotional reasons supporting these justifications.
“They didn’t mean to hurt me”
Victims may believe the abuser’s actions were accidental or unintentional. This rationalization often stems from a desire to see the best in their partner and to hold onto the good memories from the relationship.
In many cases, the abuser may express regret, downplay the severity of the incident, or even convince their partner that it was a misunderstanding – allowing them to maintain hope the abuse won’t happen again despite evidence to the contrary.
“It’s my fault for provoking them”
Abusers manipulate their partners into believing they are responsible for the abuse. Victims may internalize this blame, telling themselves that if they hadn’t said or done a particular thing, the abuse wouldn’t have occurred. They might say, “If I hadn’t made them angry, they wouldn’t have hit me,” or “I just need to be better at keeping the peace.”
Rationalizations like this are particularly dangerous because they place the responsibility on the victim rather than the abuser. The victim may continually walk on eggshells, trying to avoid anything that could trigger another abusive outburst, while the abuser remains unaccountable for their actions.
“They’re just under a lot of stress”
External stressors, such as work pressures, financial problems, or family issues, are often used to justify abuse. The victim may believe the abuse is a temporary reaction to difficult circumstances, and their partner will return to being kind and loving once things settle down. The abuser may even reinforce this idea by blaming stress, using it as an excuse to shift the focus away from their abusive behavior. However, stress is not a justification for abuse, and many people experience stress without resorting to violence.
“They only act this way when they’re drinking”
Substance abuse is frequently used as an excuse for violent behavior. Victims may say, “They only hurt me when they’re drunk,” or “It’s not really them; it’s the alcohol.” This mindset separates the abuser from their actions, as if the violence is caused solely by the substance and not a reflection of their true character.
While alcohol and drugs can lower inhibitions, they do not create abusive tendencies. If someone is violent while under the influence, it means they are already predisposed to controlling or abusive behaviors. This rationalization allows the victim to believe that if the substance use stops, so will the abuse—when the problem is much deeper.
“They’ve been through a lot”
Victims may empathize with their partner’s difficult past, such as childhood trauma, difficult relationships, or mental health struggles. They might think, “They’re not bad; they’re just damaged,” or “If I can be patient and help them heal, they’ll stop hurting me.”
While it’s important to recognize that abusers may have experienced pain and hardship, those experiences do not excuse abusive behavior. Being victimized in the past does not justify victimizing others. Excusing abuse because of someone’s past traps individuals in a cycle of waiting for change that may never come.
“It’s not that bad; others have it worse”
Minimizing abuse is another common way victims cope with their situation. They might tell themselves, “It’s not as bad as other relationships,” or “At least they don’t hit me.” Comparing their experiences to more extreme cases of abuse allow the victim to downplay the severity of their own abuse. This type of thinking is dangerous because it prevents them from fully recognizing the harm being done to them. Emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse are just as damaging as physical abuse, and minimizing the impact can lead to prolonged suffering and a refusal to seek help.
“They do so much for me; I owe them”
Abusers use acts of kindness or financial support to manipulate and control their partners. The victim may feel indebted to their partner, especially if the abuser provides financially or performs other gestures that make them feel guilty for even considering leaving.
Victims might say, “They take care of me, so I can’t complain,” or “I owe them for everything they’ve done for me.” This creates a sense of obligation that traps them in the relationship, even though the “good” things the abuser does cannot justify the harm caused.
“They apologized and promised to change”
Apologies and promises of change are powerful tools in the cycle of abuse. After an abusive incident, the abuser may express deep remorse and vow never to hurt the victim again. They might say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it,” or “I’ll go to therapy and change.”
Victims often cling to these promises, hoping things will be different this time. However, without real and sustained change, the abuse is likely to continue. Empty promises keep the victim in the relationship, believing that change is around the corner, even when the cycle of abuse repeats itself.
“I can manage this!”
Some individuals convince themselves they can handle the abuse. They might say, “I’m strong enough to deal with it,” or “As long as I avoid conflict, things will be fine.” This mindset leads to long-term emotional and physical damage. Managing abuse is not the same as escaping it. Victims may underestimate the toll it takes on their mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being, all while the abuse escalates.
“I’m doing my best to make this relationship work”
Victims may feel trapped in their circumstances and unable to leave the relationship. However, recognizing that their self-worth extends beyond their success or failure in the relationship can help empower them to seek support and leave.
Domestic abuse victims often use a variety of ways to rationalize, cope with, or explain the abuse they endure. Whether blaming themselves, excusing the behavior due to external stress, or holding on to false hopes of change, these explanations ultimately prevent the victim from breaking free.
Understanding these common rationalizations can help victims, loved ones, and professionals identify abusive situations and take steps toward safety and healing. It’s crucial for individuals to recognize that they are not responsible for the abuse and that they deserve love, respect, and safety in their relationships. No one should have to excuse abuse to rationalize staying.
Featured image: Rationalizing domestic abuse. Source: bnenin / Adobe Stock.
