Medical neglect is a form of abuse that often goes unnoticed but has devastating consequences for the victim. This type of neglect involves withholding or denying necessary medical care, support, or medication to exert power and control over the victim. It is particularly insidious because it not only causes harm to an individual’s physical health but also deepens emotional wounds and reinforces the abuser’s dominance.
What is Medical Neglect and Why is it a Form of Abuse?
Medical neglect in a relationship is not always obvious and can take many forms, making it difficult to recognize. It can occur when an abuser deliberately withholds or refuses to provide necessary medical care, medications, or assistance to their partner. They might also prevent them attending medical appointments or persuade, coerce, or influence them to avoid seeking care themselves.
A recent case of medical neglect that gained media attention originated from a Reddit post shared by a woman recovering from surgery. Before undergoing a procedure on her stomach and intestines, she carefully prepared meals that adhered to her strict dietary requirements, knowing she wouldn’t be able to cook for several weeks after the surgery.
However, when she returned from the hospital, she discovered that all the meals she made for herself were gone. She had nothing suitable to eat and was too unwell to make something else. Her husband admitted taking her meals to work because he was “too tired” to make his own and because he wanted more “variety”. This act left the woman, who was already struggling with anemia and dehydration, without the nutrition she needed for healing, placing her health at risk and prolonging her recovery.
Medical neglect is a form of physical abuse because it results in harm to the victim’s body and well-being. It is also used by perpetrators as a means to control their partner and increase their level of dependence. It is a purposeful and malicious act that can have life-altering consequences.
What Medical Neglect Looks and Sounds Like
Medical neglect can manifest in various ways and is often intertwined with other forms of abuse, such as coercive control and emotional abuse. A number of abuse survivors shared with me their personal experiences of what medical neglect looked like for them:
- Denying Medical Care and Medication: Refusing to seek medical assistance or provide medication is one of the most common forms of medical neglect. One survivor stated, “I always had to take care of him if he was sick, but no one cared for me when I was. I took myself to every doctor and had cancer without his help.”
- Preventing Access to Necessary Medical Equipment: For individuals living with disabilities, medical neglect may include restricting access to necessary equipment such as wheelchairs, crutches, or toileting support. This lack of assistance forces the victim into a state of dependency or physical vulnerability. One survivor shared, “I had to crawl and slide on my stomach just to get to the shower because my husband wouldn’t help me when I had a fractured bone in my foot.”
- Financial Abuse and Medical Neglect: An abuser may restrict shared finances, preventing the victim from purchasing necessary medical supplies or medication. One woman reported, “I was constantly told we couldn’t afford my medication or treatments, but he always seemed to have money for his hobbies and nights out. I was left to suffer while he made sure he was never deprived of anything.”
- Lack of Help: Many victims report that they are left to struggle with illness or injury while their partner does nothing to help them. As one survivor described, “I was doing 100% of the housework on top of working 60 hours a week and taking care of a toddler. He didn’t even help when I was so sick I nearly died.” Another one said, “I became terribly sick and couldn’t get off the couch. I asked my ex-husband to go to the pharmacy to get me medicine. He angrily said no and said it was my fault I missed his window of time to go out.”
- Escalation of Abuse: Perpetrators often become more abusive when their partner is ill or recovering from an injury. As one survivor shared, “I had meningitis and shingles, and while the headache was brutal, he became the most unkind person I had ever seen.” Another survivor recounted, “I had a headache after work, and instead of comforting me, he threw a tantrum, yelled at me, and shook the bed I was lying on, making the pain even worse.”
- Preventing Emergency Care: An abuser may refuse to drive the victim to the emergency room or prevent them from seeking urgent medical care. “I had a wound on my foot and the stitches burst open and my leg was turning purple from infection. My husband wouldn’t help me and instead, became furious that I’d put a movie on for our child to watch. I ended up driving myself to the hospital.”
- Ignoring or Minimizing Health Concerns: An abuser may dismiss or downplay the severity of the victim’s health condition. One survivor recalled, “My ex-husband never believed me when I said I was in pain. He would accuse me of exaggerating and just tell me to get over it.”
- Using Illness to Demean and Control: Some abusers use the victim’s illness to demean and humiliate them further. A survivor shared, “I was on chemo, in bed feeling really ill. He walked into the bedroom, said, “It stinks in here,” opened the curtains and all the windows, and walked out.”
- Preventing Health Checks: Abusers may prevent or persuade their partner from getting medical tests, such as preventative cancer screening. One victim noted, “My husband believed in the spiritual concepts of karma and dharma and he told me that if I will living according to spiritual values and principles, I would never get sick. He said that if I got health checks, it meant I didn’t trust in the divine. He made me feel ashamed even for going to the doctor or getting checked out.”
These quotes highlight the real experiences of survivors who have suffered from medical neglect. The impact is not only physical but also deeply emotional, as victims are made to feel invisible and unworthy of care.
Why Abusers Engage in Medical Neglect
Medical neglect is often a reflection of the abuser’s need for control and their lack of empathy for their partner’s well-being. Here are some of the reasons why they use this strategy in their relationship:
- Control and Domination: Abusers may deny medical care to maintain power and control over their partner. They do it to reinforce their partner’s dependency on them. “When I had surgery, my husband refused to pick me up from the hospital. He wanted to remind me how much I had to rely on him,” shared one survivor.
- Sense of Entitlement: If a victim attempts to seek medical care or assistance, the abuser may react with anger or punish the victim for trying to assert their needs. This stems from their abusive mindset and sense of entitlement. They expect everything to revolve around them.
- Fear of Exposure: Many abusers who engage in physical violence fear that seeking medical care will expose their abuse. They may prevent their partner from going to the hospital, especially if the victim has visible injuries from their abuse. “He was worried the doctors would ask questions about my bruises, so he forbade me from getting checked out,” said a survivor.
- Inability to Tolerate the Attention Shifting Away: Some abusers are narcissistic and demand that the attention always be on them. When a partner is sick or injured, they become the focus, which can trigger jealousy and frustration in the abuser. “My ex expected to be waited on hand and foot when he was sick or injured, but never did the same for me. Instead, he got angry that I needed rest and didn’t help with housework, even when my doctor forbade me to do certain tasks,” shared one survivor.
- Reinforcing Worthlessness: Medical neglect sends a clear message to the victim that they are unworthy of care and compassion. This is a way for the abuser to reinforce their own sense of superiority and make the victim feel powerless. Coercive control expert Dr. Emma Katz notes, “As well as sparing himself from what he sees as the inconvenience of responding during the medical crisis or offering care afterward, the perpetrator hopes his actions will reinforce to the victim-survivor that she is worthless and her needs don’t matter at all.”
The Lasting Impact of Medical Neglect
Medical neglect is a form of abuse that can have long-lasting effects on a victim’s health, self-esteem, and sense of autonomy. It can worsen existing medical conditions, delay recovery, and lead to new health problems. At its worst, it can be life-threatening.
Emotionally, it can leave victims feeling isolated, worthless, and disconnected from their own needs. Survivors of medical neglect often struggle with guilt and shame, feeling as though they are a burden. As one survivor noted, “Even now, after it’s over, when I’m sick, I still feel the need to do all the things and then I remember that I don’t have someone yelling at me or belittling me for being sick, and I can just rest.”
Medical neglect is a hidden but powerful form of abuse that needs to be recognized and addressed. Understanding that this behavior is a form of domestic abuse is the first step victims can take towards regaining control over their health and well-being.
References
Katz, E. (2024). He Hurts Her Body in a Thousand Ways Without Laying a Hand on Her. Substack.
Kippert, A. (2023). Is Neglect Considered Abuse? Domestic Shelters.
Featured image: Medical neglect is abuse. Source: motortion / Adobe Stock.
