“You’re crazy! You need psychological help! “You’re too unstable to be a mother. I’m going to court to take the kids away from you!”
Most of us who are victims of abuse have heard these terrifying words from our abuser, usually after the abuser has tormented us to the brink of total emotional distraction and we ‘lose it.’
Abusers enjoy every minute of driving us crazy. And they equally enjoy seeing us ‘act crazy’ so that they can use it against us. Never mind that any sane person (including men, by the way) would eventually crack under the psychological harassment and torment abusers heap on their victims.
Our abuser knows he can depend on us to react in a predictable way. He looks forward to escalating abuse until we deliver the reaction he’s counting on, so that he can label us, accuse us, and call us crazy. It’s the ‘fix’ he craves, it makes him feel superior, in control, and disdainful of our ‘weakness’ in reacting.
Changing Our Reactions to Change the Dynamics
Our impulsive surface reactions and responses are patterns that don’t move us forward toward a better life so why do we endlessly repeat them?
When we make the serious commitment to change ourselves (because he will never change!) then we can introduce a dynamic that he doesn’t expect or know how to handle: We can change how we react to his attacks.
We can train ourselves to react as a dignified, intelligent, calm, and strong woman. But we need to go about a transformation of ourselves first and it’s not a quick fix. It must be part of a serious commitment to survive and grow as a valuable human being, not the worthless creature he’s convinced us we are.
We all respond when we are attacked. It’s human nature to defend ourselves. And most of that defense consists of explaining, trying to convince the other party about our point of view, and trying to state the truth and find logic in what is illogical because we are trapped with someone who uses us for his entertainment by goading us into a fight.
It fundamentally makes no sense to us, but it’s completely logical to him because he maintains that we are the reason for his behavior, we are the cause of every problem in his life. He believes that he ‘has to’ behave the way he does because we ‘just don’t get it/him.’ This is crazy-making in the extreme but it’s what we victims live with.
But we can learn self-control and self-discipline to not instantly respond to his craziness. We can train ourselves to pause and carefully construct any response that may be absolutely necessary, and determine if a response is even required.
Controlling and crafting our responses (if we respond at all) requires maturing beyond the automatically triggered defenses we leap into time after time. The compulsion to always and instantly respond can be overwhelming, to always respond to insults, injustice, being baited, lied to and so on. Overcoming this impulse is possible by training ourselves and developing an expanded repertoire of behaviors.
Yes, there is injustice in having to learn to not allow ourselves to be ruled by our compulsion to respond. Put another way, why do we have to learn and grow? What about him? The answer: Do we really want to continue to be like him, impulsive and uncontrolled?
Practical Strategies for Regaining Control
How can we learn to handle the insanity of the situation we are in?
1. Schedule time every day to be by yourself and to be kind to yourself. Picture what a peaceful life would be like. Examine every detail of that peaceful life.
2. Deeply, profoundly accept the reality that your abuser is never, ever going to change his/her behavior. Nothing you do will change them. Stop yourself from thinking you can find the solution. You can’t.
3. Choose at least three words to define yourself as you wish to view yourself. “Dignified, intelligent, calm, careful, and discerning” are good words to start with. Examine every detail of how each of those words look when you say them about yourself. Say each word as “I am” phrases: I am dignified, I am intelligent, I am calm, etc. Emphasize each word in the sentence when you repeat each sentence.
4. Begin to practice what I term “The Great Pause.” Regardless of what is happening in your life, train yourself to always pause, look at the situation as though it is playing out on a stage and you are merely an audience member. And do not respond to it until you have examined the situation. You will be surprised to discover how many times you simply don’t need to respond.
5. Begin to practice what I term “The Great Question.” In every situation, pause and say to yourself, “I think quietly before I speak. It may not need to be said.” You will be amazed at how often we want to talk just to hear ourselves. Not talking and learning to listen effectively can result in truly revealing information about our situation.
This is the beginning of learning to emotionally distance yourself from your abuser(s), learning to see them more clearly for what they are, and to open up a world of new behaviors to put to good use as you survive and grow.
As you mature in your ability to choose how you will be in your life, your abuser will most likely increase efforts to throw you off your journey. But with commitment, you will become so strong that they can badger you and you will have the dignity and strength to turn away from them and immerse yourself in your very private life. Remember, they are clever and cunning, but they cannot read your mind. Learning to keep your mind safe from them can be the beginning of rescuing yourself from a miserable life.
Excerpted from: The Miserable Marriage Handbook for Women: How to Survive and Grow While Trapped in a Miserable Marriage by Kathleen Keith
Featured image: Managing reactions to abuse. Source: WavebreakmediaMicro / Adobe Stock.
