Abuse isn’t always physical. One of the most harmful ways abusers assert control is by tearing down their partner’s self-esteem. This form of emotional and psychological abuse erodes confidence, identity, and self-worth until the victim feels like a shell of their former self. Survivors of coercive control share their experiences, shedding light on the subtle and overt ways abusers destroy self-esteem.
Shattering Confidence
Abusers often start by chipping away at their partner’s confidence, planting seeds of doubt in their abilities and choices. This tactic is slow but devastating, leaving survivors constantly second-guessing themselves.
One survivor shared, “He constantly shifted the goalposts, setting me up to fail and making me feel like everything I did was wrong. It kept me second-guessing myself.” Another recounted, “He told me I was stupid, that I’d fail at anything I tried. Even now, I still hear his voice in my head, telling me I’ll never succeed.”
Ongoing criticism traps victims in a cycle of self-doubt. Over time, they internalize these negative messages and come to believe they’re incapable or unworthy.
Masking Cruelty as Humor
Abusers often hide their demeaning remarks behind humor, using sarcasm, mocking, or jokes to break down self-esteem. They belittle their partner while dodging accountability by saying, “It’s just a joke.”
One survivor shared, “He’d mock my weight at family gatherings, calling me his ‘little butterball.’ Everyone would laugh, and if I got upset, he’d say I was too sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. It was humiliating.”
Another explained, “Whenever I shared an idea or dream, he’d sarcastically say, ‘Oh, here comes the next big innovator!’ It made me feel so stupid that I stopped sharing anything at all.”
These tactics isolate victims, making them doubt their worth and feel alone in their inadequacy.
Undermining Talents and Abilities
Abusers often target their partner’s skills or passions—areas where they excel—to crush confidence and create dependence. By attacking their strengths, abusers strip away identity and self-assurance.
One survivor shared, “I was great at my job and loved what I did, but he constantly told me my career wasn’t ‘real work’ and that my colleagues didn’t respect me. I started doubting myself, even when I knew I was good at it.”
Another explained, “I was passionate about cooking and proud of the meals I made for our family, but he’d criticize every little thing—‘too salty,’ ‘not cooked right,’ or ‘why can’t you make something better?’ It crushed me to the point where I stopped cooking altogether.”
By attacking their partners’ successful careers or diminishing their achievements, abusers maintain control and discourage independence.
Devaluing Passions and Joys
Abusers often attack hobbies or interests that bring their partner happiness, calling them trivial or useless. This robs victims of joy and leaves them isolated.
“I used to love painting,” one survivor shared. “But he’d tell me my work was ‘childish’ and ‘embarrassing.’ Eventually, I couldn’t even pick up a brush without hearing his voice in my head.”
Another survivor explained, “He called my love of baking ‘a housewife’s dream,’ saying I was wasting time pretending to be good at something. It crushed my confidence in something I once loved.”
This strategy ensures victims have no outlet for expression or fulfillment.
Using Comparisons to Break Self-Worth
Abusers often compare their partners to others, making them feel inferior. This tactic creates a sense of inadequacy and keeps victims striving for unattainable approval.
One survivor recounted, “He often compared me to his exes or his peers, saying they were better or more successful. It made me feel so inferior.”
Another shared, “He’d constantly point out other women at the gym or on TV, saying things like, ‘Why don’t you work harder to look like that?’ It made me feel like I was never good enough, no matter how much effort I put in.”
These comparisons diminish self-esteem and ensure victims remain desperate for validation.
Shaming in Public
Public humiliation is another weapon abusers use to erode self-esteem. By belittling their partner in front of others, they create shame and deepen isolation.
“He would interrupt me whenever I tried to speak at family gatherings, loudly correcting me or saying I didn’t know what I was talking about. It made me stop speaking up altogether,” one survivor shared.
Another recounted, “At a work event, he told my colleagues that I only got my promotion because my boss ‘felt sorry for me.’ I was mortified and felt like everyone saw me as a fraud.”
These tactics make victims question their worth, silencing them in public and private settings.
Long-Lasting Effects of Abuse on Self-Esteem
Emotional and psychological abuse targeting self-esteem can leave scars that linger long after the relationship ends. Survivors often struggle with self-doubt, lack of confidence, and mistrust of their own instincts.
One survivor described the lingering effects: “Even now, I still hear his voice, telling me I’ll fail. It’s hard to silence that.” Another shared, “Living in that environment suffocated the essence of who I was. It’s taken years to rebuild my confidence.”
Rebuilding after abuse is a long and difficult journey, as survivors work to regain trust in themselves and rediscover their worth.
Reclaiming Self-Esteem After Abuse
While the damage caused by abuse is significant, healing and rebuilding self-esteem is possible. Survivors share their stories of reclaiming their identities and creating lives free from abuse.
“I’ve learned to know my worth, despite how much he tried to devalue me,” one survivor said. Another reflected, “I’m finding my worth again, realizing I’m enough. I’ve stopped overthinking and learned to love myself.”
Support systems, therapy, and self-care are essential tools in this process. One survivor shared, “I’ve had counseling, taken up yoga, and spent time figuring out who I am. It’s not easy, but I finally feel free.”
Healing is a journey, and each small victory builds a stronger foundation. Survivors remind us of the resilience it takes to rebuild after abuse and rediscover self-worth.
Featured image: Abuse damages self-esteem. Source: Cavan for Adobe / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
