When someone escapes an abusive relationship, many assume the immediate reaction will be relief. After all, they’ve freed themselves from someone who caused significant harm—surely freedom should bring peace. However, for many survivors, the reality is more complicated. Instead of the anticipated relief, they often experience deep grief, confusion, and sorrow. The path to healing after leaving domestic abuse is rarely straightforward, with survivors feeling a profound sense of loss in ways that others may struggle to understand.
Grief After Domestic Abuse: Mourning the Life That Could Have Been
One of the most common feelings survivors express is grief over the relationship they thought they had. The hope for love, companionship, and a shared future often turns out to be an illusion. As one survivor shared, “I grieved the relationship I never really had, the dreams that were never fulfilled, the love that was never real.” For years, they poured time, energy, and emotions into a relationship, only to realize that their partner never cared for them as they had hoped.
This grief is compounded when the realization sinks in that everything they believed in was a lie. As another survivor noted, “The grief was suffocating. Not just the discovery of his infidelity, but the realization that everything for our whole life was false because it was based on a person who didn’t actually exist.” Survivors are left mourning not just the partner they thought they knew, but also the future they envisioned.
The grief becomes even more profound when children are involved. Survivors not only grieve for themselves but also for their children, who suffer the loss of a cohesive family. One survivor explained, “I grieved what I’d hoped my marriage would be and for my children who wouldn’t have the family they deserved.” The future they once dreamed of—a happy family, a supportive partner—is shattered, leaving a painful void that can be difficult to fill.
Lost Time and Missed Opportunities
For many survivors, grief after domestic abuse also comes from the time they lost in the toxic relationship. They reflect on years spent trying to fix something that could never be mended. As one survivor put it, “I grieved for the years I felt I wasted trying to make the relationship work when I stood no chance.” The sense of loss is heightened by the opportunities missed and the emotional toll they endured during the abuse.
Beyond time, survivors often mourn the opportunities their abusers took from them. Many gave up careers, personal goals, and dreams. One survivor reflected, “I spent ten years in an abusive relationship, always wanting children, but he never did. He made that decision for both of us. Now that I’ve left, it’s too late for me to start a family, and I grieve that loss deeply.” This realization deepens the sorrow, as they grapple with what could have been but never was.
Losing Their Own Identity
Abuse doesn’t just take away opportunities; it often strips away a victim’s sense of self. Over time, many survivors lose touch with the person they once were. “It’s common for people to believe that when you leave an abusive relationship, you feel nothing but relief,” one survivor shared. “It’s not true. All I felt initially was overwhelming grief for the person I had become and the person I used to be, who got lost along the way.”
The sorrow is not just for the relationship but also for the person they had to become to survive it. They grieve for the identity that was suppressed or manipulated during the abusive relationship.
Trauma Bonds and Emotional Confusion
One of the reasons survivors may feel grief rather than relief is the presence of trauma bonds. Trauma bonding occurs when an abuser alternates between kindness and cruelty, keeping their victim emotionally hooked. Over time, the victim grows dependent on these rare moments of affection, making it even harder to leave—and even more challenging to move on after leaving.
As one survivor explained, “I kept holding on to the rare moments when he was kind, convincing myself those glimpses of love were real, even though the abuse never stopped.” These complex emotions can cloud the healing process, leaving survivors feeling confused about their feelings toward their abuser.
A Complex Emotional Landscape
Many survivors experience a tangled web of emotions—grief, guilt, shame, and self-doubt. One survivor shared, “I felt ashamed of myself for being stupid enough to have allowed myself to fall into a situation like that and felt like I should have recognized what was happening.” These emotions can isolate survivors, making it harder to seek support and begin the healing process.
Another survivor added, “Grief, heartache, shame, confusion, hopelessness, anger, fear, unworthiness… it’s exhausting.” These complex emotions are part of the aftermath of abuse, where victims struggle to untangle why they feel such profound grief for someone who caused them pain. Many survivors still also love their abuser despite the harm, which only adds to their confusion and grief.
Grieving the Pain They Endured
On top of grieving the relationship and missed opportunities, many survivors mourn what they endured. As they start to heal, they often feel deep sadness for the version of themselves that suffered so much without realizing they deserved better. The manipulation, control, and abuse become clearer, and with that understanding comes sorrow for the person they once were.
As one survivor shared, “I grieve for the person I was back then, always bending over backward to make it work, never realizing I was worth more. It’s heartbreaking to look back and see how much I tolerated, thinking that was all I deserved.” This grief stems from a growing sense of self-compassion, as survivors begin to offer themselves the kindness they were denied during the relationship.
Healing Takes Time
Recovery from domestic abuse is a slow, often non-linear process. “That the distress and trauma ends just by leaving him—that’s not true. It takes time and a sense of purpose to get over what happened to you,” one survivor said. “Your mind and heart are not slates that can just be wiped clean, ready to start again.”
Each survivor’s healing journey is different. Some may eventually find relief, while others will struggle with grief and confusion for months or even years. Healing isn’t just about leaving the abuser; it’s about rebuilding a sense of self, processing the trauma, and finding peace within oneself.
How to Support a Survivor
If someone in your life has left an abusive relationship, the best way to help is to meet them where they are. Don’t assume they will feel immediate relief or anger toward their abuser. Understand that they may be grieving not just the relationship, but everything they thought they had. Offering non-judgmental support and simply being present is one of the most valuable things you can do.
Grief after domestic abuse is real, valid, and deeply felt. Survivors mourn the time lost, the person they believed their partner to be, and the dreams they had to abandon. Healing takes time, patience, and understanding from those who support them as they navigate the complexities of their recovery.
Featured image: Grief after domestic abuse. Source: manit / Adobe Stock.
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
