Surviving an abusive relationship isn’t just about getting out—it’s about reclaiming the everyday choices that were once controlled, criticized, or outright forbidden. For many survivors, true freedom isn’t just in the big milestones but in the small, seemingly mundane moments that, after abuse, feel revolutionary. These acts of self-determination aren’t trivial; they represent healing, empowerment, and the return to oneself.
Below are stories from survivors who found joy, peace, and reclaimed their identity in the smallest—but most meaningful—acts of freedom.
The Power to Make Everyday Choices
For years, even the simplest decisions—what to eat, when to sleep, where to go—weren’t theirs to make. Leaving abuse meant rediscovering personal autonomy in the most unexpected ways. One survivor reflected, “I turned the thermostat up when I got cold. Loaded the dishwasher the way I want to. Went to a pizza place I like, even if he didn’t. Shopped at a more expensive grocery store just to get my favorite yogurt. Stayed up as late as I wanted because I wasn’t tired yet.”
Another survivor summed it up perfectly: “Anything I want to do—without apology, permission, or explanation. Small mercies you don’t realize are precious until you discover they’d been taken from you without you noticing.”
Reclaiming Time and Space
Abuse often means walking on eggshells in your own home, shrinking to avoid conflict. Post-abuse freedom means finally taking up space, both physically and emotionally. “Just taking up space in the house—lighting a fire and reading a book in front of it. It’s an amazing feeling to know someone isn’t going to come in the room and yell at me,” one survivor shared.
Another found joy in reclaiming her home, saying, “I bought a candle. Lots of candles. I was never allowed to buy nice things for the house. First thing I did was go and buy candles. On the first anniversary, I bought lots of candles and took them to the police station for the female officers to enjoy.”
Freedom to Enjoy Life Again
When in an abusive relationship, individuals often go years without experiencing genuine joy. After leaving, they slowly rediscover things that once made them happy. “I have fallen back in love with books. During the last several months of my toxic relationship, I didn’t have the brain power to focus on books because I was too busy stressing about how I was being treated,” one woman explained.
Another shared their excitement for an upcoming experience, “I haven’t done it yet, but I’m going to a Taylor Swift concert. Sounds lame, but he would have never let me go.” A third survivor beautifully described her transformation: “I was reborn—I found myself and learned how to laugh until I got the hiccups again. I could actually put my car radio on and sing my lungs out.”
The Freedom to Travel and Explore After Abuse
Abusive partners often control movement, making even short trips difficult. Leaving means finally getting to go where you want, when you want. “I finally got a passport, which I wasn’t allowed to have before! First trip? Italy. It was my first time on a plane. Now I know I’ll be brave enough to travel even further,” one survivor proudly stated.
Another shared, “We’re going on family trips to different places, visiting loved ones, seeing amazing concerts, and even taking the train instead of driving—so liberating.”
Survivors can also find joy in cultural experiences, as one survivor shared, “I had a weekend in NYC to see a play. I went to plays and dance recitals at local universities, including flamenco.”
Rediscovering Connection
Abuse isolates. Freedom means reconnecting—with old friends, new people, and most importantly, with oneself. “I love being able to freely talk to friends and family,” one survivor said. Another shared, “Freedom. Chatting to whoever I want. Self-love. Buying things for myself. Doing things I like. Listening to music wherever I want.”
The ability to reclaim their voice is a powerful moment for many, including one survivor who said, “Speaking when I want, about what I want.” Another survivor reflected, “I didn’t realize how much I had lost myself until I reconnected with an old friend and felt like ‘me’ again for the first time in years. Laughing, reminiscing, and just being seen for who I am—not who he wanted me to be—was life-changing.”
Making a Life for Children
Many survivors leave, not just for themselves, but for their kids. The small moments of childhood joy they can now provide are priceless. One mother described, “We go out now during the holidays! The kids and I actually do stuff, instead of staying indoors all day waiting around for him. Before, we weren’t allowed to do things without him, which meant the kids missed out a lot. Now, we can do whatever we want—they’re getting to have so many experiences!”
Another survivor said one of the things freedom means to them is, “I finally have my own routine and rules for my children.”
Strength Through New Experiences
Survivors prove to themselves every day that they are capable, strong, and free. “After the divorce, I needed to be more outwardly focused, not so stuck on the failure of my marriage. I started doing volunteer work, which led to a leadership training program. The experience showed me how ‘small’ I’d been living because he dominated our life. I’ll always be grateful for how much it expanded my world,” one survivor shared.
Another took on a new challenge, saying, “I abseiled the Spinnaker Tower after losing 1.5 stone.” Others found self-growth in different ways, like one survivor who shared, “I learned new skills, practiced self-love, started taking regular walks on the beach, and even started my own business. In just three and a half months, I’m still losing weight and starting to find myself again.”
Taking Control of Finances
Abusers often control finances, leaving survivors struggling to regain independence. The ability to earn and spend on their own terms is a profound victory. “First time withdrawing my own salary after leaving,” one survivor noted as a sign of their freedom.
Another shared, “For the first time in years, I opened my own bank account—just in my name. No one monitoring my spending, no one questioning my choices. I finally felt like an adult in my own life again.” And for one survivor, financial freedom was as simple as saying, “Spend my own money on myself.”
The Right to Rest and Self-Care
Abuse conditions people to feel guilty for basic self-care. Post-abuse, they learn they deserve rest, pleasure, and care. “Taking time for myself—my hair, eating without being on someone else’s schedule or feeling rushed. I saw very fast how I didn’t know how to take time for myself or what it even felt like,” one survivor shared.
Another said they recognized their freedom to, “Sleep when I’m tired without being called lazy.” And for some, healing has been about learning how to be happy again – as one survivor put it: “To take care of myself, and to be happy.”
Feeling Safe in Their Own Skin
Abuse forces people to suppress emotions, live in fear, and conform to someone else’s rules. Post-abuse, they learn to embrace themselves. “Be MYSELF!” one survivor declared as their expression of how they are free. Another shared how they now feel free to, “Be able to express my emotions and feel things.”
One survivor reflected on a profound shift: “I used to second-guess everything I said, afraid of how he’d react. Now, I speak freely without rehearsing my words in my head first. It feels like I finally have my own voice.” Finally, the most powerful realization of all is a freedom in: “Making my own decisions and life choices.”
Freedom in Every Moment
For survivors, freedom isn’t just about leaving—it’s about reclaiming life in the smallest, most meaningful ways. Every choice made without fear, every moment of joy reclaimed, every step toward self-love and independence is a victory.
Survivors are not just surviving. They are thriving, laughing, singing, dancing, traveling, and embracing every single moment of the lives they fought so hard to take back. And that is everything.
Featured Image: Survivors often find freedom in small acts and choices they make after abuse. Source: tonktiti / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
