Emotional blackmail is a subtle yet powerful form of manipulation that preys on a person’s vulnerabilities, using fear, guilt, and obligation to control them. It’s a tactic often employed by abusers in relationships, making it a crucial subject to understand, especially for those who may unknowingly be victims.
What is Emotional Blackmail?
The term “emotional blackmail” was first introduced by Susan Forward, Ph.D., in her book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. Dr Forward explains how abusers use emotional blackmail to manipulate their victims into compliance by exploiting their deepest insecurities, wishes, and sense of duty. The goal of the blackmailer is to get what they want, regardless of the emotional cost to their victim.
Barrie Davenport, author of Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship, explains that abusers know how much you want a real relationship with them.
“They are keenly aware of your vulnerabilities and your deepest secrets, and early in the relationship, they may have used their charm to get you to share these things. Now they view this knowledge as a powerful tool to use against you and to create the threats that give them the payoff they seek: your full compliance.” (Davenport, 2016, p.34)
The Mechanics of Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail exploits powerful emotions, compelling a person to act against their own best interests in order to avoid the negative consequences that the blackmailer threatens.
- Fear: The blackmailer instills fear by threatening consequences if the victim does not comply with their demands. This could be the fear of losing the relationship, the fear of harm, or the fear of being exposed or humiliated.
- Obligation: The victim feels an intense sense of obligation to meet the blackmailer’s demands. This might stem from a feeling of indebtedness, loyalty, or responsibility.
- Guilt: The blackmailer uses guilt to make the victim feel responsible for the blackmailer’s negative emotions or actions. They might imply that the victim is selfish, unloving, or uncaring if they don’t comply.
The person using these tactics often desires something legitimate, like love, support, or appreciation. However, the problem lies in how they go about getting what they want—by manipulating and controlling their partner without regard for the partner’s needs.
Dr Forward explains that people that use emotional blackmail are often driven by an intense fear of abandonment. This fear causes them to act in manipulatively, and sometimes maliciously, to avoid facing the fear of their partner leaving them or not being available to satisfy their emotional needs.
What Emotional Blackmail Looks Like
Emotional blackmail can take many forms, but it always revolves around control and manipulation. Here are some common examples of emotional blackmail in relationships:
- Asking you to choose between something you want to do and them.
- Threatening to leave you or find someone else if you don’t change.
- Making you feel selfish for doing something they don’t want you to do.
- Threatening suicide as a way to stop you leaving them.
- Withholding money unless you do want they want.
- Asking you to give up something or someone to prove your love for them.
- Uses guilt trips or shaming to get their way, such as “If you really loved me, you would….”
- Telling you how you not doing what they want will hurt them: “If you don’t let me stay with you, I’ll end up homeless.”
- Withholding affection or giving the silent treatment until you give into their demands
- Making things seem like your fault when they are not, such as “If you do that again, you’re going to be the reason why I lose my job and then we will have nothing.”
- Threatening punishment as a way to control you: “If you leave me, I will get the kids taken away from you.”
- Making promises to you that come with conditions.
Controlling and abusive individuals know what buttons to push. They know where you are most vulnerable and will use that information to emotionally blackmail you.
“Whatever qualities you value in yourself (kindness, generosity, affection), the emotional abuser will imply that you are lacking in these qualities, if you don’t step up. They know how to twist the knife, so you feel guilty and shamed into action.” (Davenport, 2016, p.34)
My ex-husband regularly uses emotional blackmail by targeting the thing most precious to me – our son. If I don’t give into his demands, he will make threats such as, “If you don’t let me take him on this overseas trip, I will never consent to you taking him abroad to visit your family ever again,” or “If you don’t agree to home schooling, I will let him know that you don’t care about him or his future.”
He threatened suicide and threatened to abandon our business and let it go to financial ruin if I didn’t return to the relationship. More recently, he has indicated that if I don’t comply with his demands, he will release my most private and personal information “far and wide”. When an abuser feels that they are losing control of you, they will resort to emotional blackmail to try to regain that contro.
Addressing Emotional Blackmail
The effects of emotional blackmail can be devastating, leading to a slow erosion of the victim’s self-esteem, autonomy, and mental health. Victims of this emotional abuse often feel completely trapped in the relationship.
Recognizing emotional blackmail is the first step towards breaking free from its hold. Here are some strategies that can help:
- Spot the Red Flags: Be aware of behaviors that don’t seem to be in your best interest. If something feels wrong, trust your instincts.
- Keep Calm: Emotional blackmailers feed off of emotional reactions. Although far from easy, keeping your cool can help you maintain control of the situation.
- Remember Your Choices: You are in control of your life. Don’t let guilt or fear dictate your decisions. You have the right to make choices that are best for you.
- Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate what you are comfortable with and what is unacceptable. Be firm in enforcing these boundaries.
- Know When to Walk Away: If the relationship is causing you more harm than good, it may be time to consider leaving.
Emotional blackmail is a destructive form of manipulation that can have lasting effects on a person’s mental and emotional well-being. It creates a toxic environment where the victim feels trapped, isolated, and unable to make decisions for themselves. Understanding what emotional blackmail looks like, its impact, and how to address it is crucial for anyone who may be experiencing it. By taking steps to recognize and combat emotional blackmail, victims can begin to heal and regain control over their lives.
References
Davenport, B. (2016). Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship.
Forward, S. (2019). Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Gupta, S. (2023). How to Recognize Emotional Blackmail and Protect Yourself. Very Well Mind.
Featured image: Emotional blackmail in relationships. Source: Tinashe Njaku/peopleimages.com / Adobe Stock.
