Anger has long been framed as a “negative” emotion and something to suppress. Survivors of abuse are often told to stay calm, be rational, and try to forgive if they want to move on. But there are many emotions that can arise in the aftermath of abuse, such as rage, fury, and grief. What happens when those emotions are seen as wrong or shameful? For many survivors, giving themselves permission to feel angry becomes an essential part of healing.
Anger is not the enemy; it’s a messenger and a sign that a boundary has been crossed. Anger is a part of you screaming, “That was not okay.”
Many survivors who accepted feeling anger as part of their process after abuse have described their experiences. One said, “It wasn’t until I let myself feel the anger that I stopped trying to make sense of it all. I was finally able to name what happened as abuse” and another person added, “I spent years trying to forgive too soon. What I needed was to feel angry, to feel all of it, before I could even begin to heal.”
Why Anger Is Often Suppressed After Abuse
Many survivors were conditioned, long before the abuse began, to downplay their emotions. Women especially are taught that expressing anger makes them “difficult” or “ungrateful.” In abusive relationships, this belief gets weaponized. Survivors are gaslit into believing their reactions are the problem—not the harm itself.
“I wasn’t even allowed to be upset,” one person shared. “If I cried or looked angry, he’d mock me or threaten to leave. So I just went numb.”
Another shared, “My abusive ex would regularly go into rages, but if I showed even the slightest hint of anger, he’d call me crazy, insane, or mentally unstable. I learnt to shut down my anger because it was the safest option.”
This emotional suppression creates an internal pressure that builds over time, until it either implodes in depression or erupts in delayed rage.
The Double Standard Around Survivor Anger
When survivors speak with sadness or pain, they’re often met with empathy. But when they speak with anger—they’re usually met with discomfort, disapproval, or silence.
“When I finally told someone I was furious about what he did, they told me I needed to let it go. But I hadn’t even had space to feel it yet,” one woman said.
Someone else shared, “People don’t know what to do with angry survivors. But if they’d lived through what we did, they’d be angry too.”
This double standard reflects a societal discomfort with victim power. When survivors reclaim their voice through anger, they disrupt the narrative that they are broken, fragile, or passive victims.
Anger as a Sign of Healing
Contrary to the belief that anger is a step backward, many trauma therapists see it as a sign of recovery. In the early stages of abuse, many survivors blame themselves. Anger often signals the moment they begin to shift that blame outward—toward the person that harmed them.
“The first time I allowed myself to say, ‘He hurt me on purpose,’ I cried for hours. But they weren’t sad tears—they were angry ones. And they were freeing,” one survivor wrote.
Another said, “It was only when I got angry that I stopped trying to fix him and started protecting myself.”
Anger can help with reclaiming dignity. It affirms that what happened wasn’t okay. It moves the survivor from confusion to clarity—and often to action.
Give Yourself Permission to Feel Your Emotions
For many people, it can be difficult to allow themselves to feel angry without guilt. Especially for those raised in religious or cultural environments that equate anger with sin or “being bad,” this can be deeply challenging. But every human emotion is valid—including rage.
One person reflected how their views on feeling anger changed following abuse, “I grew up thinking anger was unholy. But now I think not feeling it was the real harm.” Another person echoed how they needed to shift their perspective on this emotion, saying “I had to learn that anger wasn’t a failure of healing. It was the healing.”
Whether it’s writing an unsent letter, screaming into a pillow, hitting a punching bag, running it out on a treadmill, or simply telling a friend, “I’m mad as hell”—expressing anger safely and consciously is a powerful step toward recovery.
When Anger Feels Scary
For some survivors, anger brings up fear. Either because it reminds them of their abuser’s violence or because they worry they’ll become “just like them.” But survivor anger, grounded in truth, is not the same as abusive rage. One is about harm. The other is about healing.
“I was afraid that if I felt the anger, I’d become someone else,” one survivor said. “But I didn’t. I became more me than I’d been in years.” Another added, “His anger destroyed. Mine restored.”
Anger doesn’t mean lashing out or hurting others. It can be a deeply private, reflective, and cathartic experience. It’s not about revenge—it’s about release.
Transforming Anger into Strength
Once anger has been acknowledged and expressed, many survivors channel it into purpose. They advocate. They write. They protect others.
“My anger got me out,” said one woman. “But it also got me through.”
Another survivor shared, “I used to feel guilty about being angry. Now I see it was my inner protector all along.”
When survivors stop apologizing for their anger, they may discover that the emotion provides a new source of strength to take action. The same fire that once burned in silence becomes a light that guides them forward.
Experiencing anger after abuse isn’t something to fear. It’s something to honor. It’s the part of you that never accepted mistreatment, that rises up no matter what has tried to silence it. Feeling anger doesn’t mean you’re stuck in the past —it can be a sign that you’re healing. And when someone who’s healing from abuse identifies their feelings of anger and allow themselves space to experience that emotion in a safe way, peace often follows.
Featured Image: Feeling angry after abuse is normal and it’s healthy to work through that emotion. Source: stokkete / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
