In domestic abuse, the focus is often on the abuser; however, there is a crucial, often overlooked element in the perpetuation of abusive dynamics: the enablers. Enablers are individuals who, knowingly or unknowingly, support, excuse, or ignore abusive behavior, creating an environment in which abuse can continue.
Enabling manifests in various ways, including dismissing the victim’s concerns or providing financial or emotional support to the abuser. They may also normalize, justify, or excuse the abuse. Enablers are a crucial cog in the machinery of abuse, making it essential to understand how family and friend networks can perpetuate harm.
The Role of Enablers in Domestic Abuse Dynamics
Enablers play a pivotal role in maintaining abusive dynamics, sometimes without realizing the damage they cause. In some cases, enablers genuinely believe they are helping either the victim or the abuser. For instance, they may encourage the victim to return to their abuser. In others, they might fear confronting the abuser because they would face social, familial, or financial repercussions if they were to intervene.
Enablers can be family members, friends, coworkers, or even community or religious leaders. They often provide a shield for the abuser by:
- Dismissing or downplaying the victim’s concerns. Statements like, “It’s not that bad,” or “You’re overreacting,” serve to invalidate the victim’s experience and make them question the severity of the abuse.
- Offering financial or emotional support to the abuser. This might involve lending money, providing housing, or offering emotional comfort to the abuser, thereby allowing them to continue their behavior without consequences.
- Normalizing the abusive behavior. Some enablers justify the abuse by blaming stress, substance use, or other external factors, making excuses for the abuser rather than holding them accountable.
In abusive relationships, particularly those involving narcissistic abuse, enablers take on a more insidious role. Narcissists often surround themselves with individuals who act as their enforcers—commonly referred to as “flying monkeys.”
Narcissistic Abuse and Flying Monkeys
The term “flying monkeys” originates from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch uses an army of monkeys to do her bidding. In the context of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys are individuals recruited by the narcissist to harass, manipulate, or isolate the victim further. These enablers may actively participate in spreading rumors, gaslighting, or shaming the victim on behalf of the abuser.
Flying monkeys might be unaware that the narcissist is manipulating them and may believe they are acting out of loyalty or genuine concern. In some cases, they might have their own ulterior motives, such as maintaining a close relationship with the abuser for personal gain.
Flying monkeys play a vital role in keeping the victim trapped in a cycle of abuse. By isolating the victim, discrediting their version of events, and painting the narcissist as the actual victim, flying monkeys help sustain the narcissist’s control and prevent the victim from seeking help or escaping the relationship.
How Family and Friend Networks Can Perpetuate Harm
While enablers may seem like passive participants in an abusive relationship, their actions—or inactions—can have significant consequences. Their support to the abuser may perpetuate harm in the following ways:
1. Reinforcing the Abuser’s Power
Enablers often allow the abuser to maintain their power by failing to hold them accountable. Whether through financial support, emotional encouragement, or simply turning a blind eye, enablers help create an environment where the abuser can continue their behavior unchecked. By validating the abuser’s actions or making excuses for them, enablers essentially grant them permission to continue the abuse.
In narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys play an especially active role in reinforcing the abuser’s power. They may defend the abuser publicly or smear the victim’s reputation, all while the narcissist remains in the shadows. This collective reinforcement of the abuser’s authority makes it incredibly difficult for the victim to break free.
2. Silencing the Victim
Victims of abuse often look to their support networks for validation and assistance. However, when these support systems are compromised by enablers, the victim may be met with disbelief, dismissiveness, or outright hostility. Phrases like, “He’s not like that with me,” or, “She’s just going through a tough time,” serve to invalidate the victim’s experience and make them doubt their own perceptions of reality. The victim may be labeled as “crazy,” “overly emotional,” or “vindictive,” making it difficult for them to gain the support they need to leave the relationship or seek help.
3. Creating a Culture of Normalization
When abuse is normalized, it becomes increasingly difficult for victims to recognize the severity of the situation. Family members, friends, or coworkers who dismiss the abuse or suggest it’s a private matter perpetuate the notion that abusive behavior is acceptable. Normalization traps the victim in the relationship and sends a message to the abuser that their behavior is tolerated.
Enablers often fail to see the long-term consequences of their actions. By minimizing the severity of the abuse, they contribute to the cycle of abuse and allow it to continue, sometimes across generations. This culture of normalization is especially dangerous in cases of domestic violence, where the stakes are often life-threatening.
4. Inhibiting Accountability
One of the most damaging effects of enablers is their role in preventing the abuser from facing accountability for their actions. Without the pressure of consequences, abusers are free to continue their behavior without fear of repercussions. This lack of accountability perpetuates the abuse and emboldens the abuser to escalate their actions over time.
In some cases, enablers may even go so far as to help the abuser evade legal or social consequences. They might provide alibis, lie on behalf of the abuser, or attempt to manipulate authorities into believing the victim is at fault. In doing so, enablers become complicit in the abuse, further entrenching the victim in a harmful and dangerous situation.
Breaking the Cycle of Enabling
Addressing the role of enablers in abusive relationships requires a comprehensive approach. Education and awareness are critical components in helping individuals recognize when they are enabling abusive behavior, whether knowingly or unknowingly. Encouraging bystanders to take action, hold abusers accountable, and offer tangible support to victims can help break the cycle of abuse.
Support systems must be vigilant in recognizing signs of abuse and take responsibility for their role in perpetuating harmful dynamics. By offering genuine assistance to the victim, refusing to excuse or justify abusive behavior, and holding abusers accountable for their actions, enablers can transform into allies in the fight against abuse.
References
Bancroft, L. (2003). Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. Berkley Books.
Simon, G. (2010). In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers.
