Domestic abuse is often misunderstood. Many people assume it’s a constant stream of cruelty, but the reality is far more complex. Abusers frequently alternate between warmth and hostility, creating a confusing emotional rollercoaster. This cycle of highs and lows lies at the heart of trauma bonds—also known as trauma-coerced attachment—a powerful psychological dynamic that keeps victims trapped in relationships.
The Jekyll and Hyde Dynamic
If abuse were constant, it would be easier to recognize. But abusers use carefully timed moments of affection to sustain hope, keeping their partners emotionally tethered. This manipulation relies on a pattern of intermittent reinforcement, which deepens the victim’s attachment and makes it difficult to leave.
This pattern is often described as the abuser’s “Jekyll and Hyde” personality, unpredictably switching between affectionate and abusive behavior. One moment, they are kind and attentive; the next, they are cold, manipulative, or outright abusive. This stark contrast creates confusion and makes victims doubt their own perceptions.
“If abusers were bad all the time, we’d have left them or not gotten attached or trauma bonded with them! They’re often very good and can be so kind, in between the abuse,” one survivor explained. But these moments of kindness aren’t genuine—they are calculated moves to maintain control.
Another survivor shared, “That’s what made it so hard to leave. If they were horrible all the time, you wouldn’t stay. But it’s the intermittent reinforcement that keeps you stuck. Once you realize the niceness is just an act and everything they do is self-serving, it’s easier to see through it.”
How Trauma Bonds Form in Relationships
The cyclical nature of abuse and affection doesn’t just create confusion; it also fosters a deep emotional attachment known as a trauma bond. Individuals may feel that the abuser is both the cause of their pain and their only source of relief. Over time, this bond becomes so strong that leaving feels insurmountable, even when the person recognizes the relationship is harmful.
One survivor described their experience: “It’s the rollercoaster of them being kind and loving, then becoming abusive. We hang on to the crumbs of the nice parts, believing that’s their true self and maybe they’ll improve.”
Abusers exploit this belief by apologizing, making promises to change, or blaming external circumstances for their behavior. These tactics deepen their partner’s hope that things will be better and make it harder for them to leave.
The Role of Intermittent Kindness
Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological principle where rewards are given unpredictably, making them more potent and addictive. In domestic abuse, these “rewards” take the form of kindness or affection after a period of cruelty or neglect.
When abusers show affection following an episode of mistreatment, the brain releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This brief surge of positivity creates a powerful emotional dependency. Victims begin to associate relief and hope with their abuser, even though these moments are fleeting and manipulative. This cycle keeps them trapped, constantly seeking the next “reward” of kindness.
“When we are deprived of our basic needs, and then we get a breadcrumb of affection, there is a dopamine surge. The cycle itself becomes addictive. And when we leave, it’s a powerful withdrawal that seeks relief by the abuser,” one survivor explained.
Breaking free from this cycle is incredibly difficult. The individual must overcome both the psychological conditioning and the chemical bonds that tie them to the abuser.
Breaking the Cycle and Healing
To escape a trauma bond, it’s crucial to understand the manipulative tactics abusers use and to recognize that their kindness is not genuine. Many survivors describe a moment of clarity when they saw through the cycle of abuse and affection.
“The moment I realized his kindness wasn’t love, but a manipulative tactic to keep me hooked, everything changed,” one survivor shared. “It was painful to face the truth, but it was also liberating. That clarity gave me the strength to rebuild a life where I no longer accepted crumbs as love.”
Healing from a trauma bond involves unlearning the conditioning that made the person accept moments of affection as enough. Therapy, support groups, and education about abuse dynamics are essential tools for rebuilding self-worth and establishing healthy boundaries.
Understanding the Survivor’s Experience
For outsiders, it can be difficult to understand why someone stays in an abusive relationship. A common misconception is that victims are “co-dependent” or weak, but this perspective ignores the powerful psychological and emotional forces at play.
“Those who don’t understand abuse think we would hate people for doing it to us,” one survivor explained. “And, in a sense, we do want to leave, but we can’t resist the bonds they create in us. It’s not co-dependency; they rely on the umbilical cord they tie us to them.”
Survivors need empathy, not judgment or victim-blaming. Recognizing the tactics abusers use to maintain control is essential for understanding trauma bonds and supporting those who are trying to break free.
Featured Image: Domestic abusers use cycles of kindness and cruelty to create trauma bonds in relationships. Source: inesbazdar / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
