Coercive control is a pattern of behavior that abusers use to dominate, manipulate, and control their partners. Unlike physical violence, coercive control operates more subtly and pervasively, stripping away a person’s autonomy and freedom through various psychological and emotional tactics. One of the most sinister methods of coercive control is the deprivation of basic needs, which may involve withholding sleep, food, heating, medical care, or other necessities. By depriving their partners of these fundamental needs, abusers create an environment where the victim becomes dependent, isolated, and often too worn down to resist.
Coercive Control and Basic Needs Deprivation
While many people think of abuse as physical violence, some abusers choose a more subtle but equally devastating approach: they control their partners by restricting access to basic necessities. Instead of leaving visible bruises, they might limit their partner’s sleep, food, heat, or medical care – things most of us take for granted.
This creates a dangerous cycle where victims become dependent on their abusers just to meet their most basic needs, making it incredibly difficult to leave or stand up for themselves. This form of control isn’t limited to romantic relationships – it can happen between family members or in caregiving situations too, leaving victims feeling trapped and powerless.
When Sleep Becomes a Privilege
We all need sleep to stay healthy and think clearly – but some abusers deliberately keep their partners from getting rest, using exhaustion as a way to break them down. They might wake their partner repeatedly through the night, make sleeping impossible, or force them to sleep in awful conditions. When someone is constantly exhausted, they can’t think straight or make good decisions. Over time, the lack of sleep takes a heavy toll on their mental health, leading to anxiety, depression, and confusion – which only gives the abuser more control.
The reality of this tactic is chilling, as one survivor explained: “There was sleep deprivation on a grand scale – I ended up having to work all night and mother all day, so I literally slept 1 hour a night for years. Although on Saturdays, sometimes he’d let me sleep for as long as 3 hours.”
Hunger and Control
Food becomes a powerful weapon in the hands of an abuser. They might strictly control what or how much their partner can eat, keep certain foods off-limits, or even refuse to let them eat at all. This goes beyond just keeping someone hungry – it can lead to serious malnutrition that affects both body and mind. When someone is constantly undernourished, they become physically weak and mentally drained, making it even harder to stand up to their abuser or plan an escape.
“He would watch every bite I took,” one survivor shared. “If I ate more than he thought I should, he’d say I was getting fat and didn’t deserve dinner. Some days I survived on just crackers and water.”
Another person recalled, “He was depriving me of sleep and/or food to wear me down.”
Limiting Heating and Other Utilities
Some abusers maintain their power by controlling basic utilities like heat, electricity, and water. In cold weather, keeping the heat off isn’t just about making someone uncomfortable – it can be dangerous or even deadly, forcing victims to depend on their abuser just to stay warm. When abusers shut off hot water or cut the power, it sends a clear message: they control everything, right down to their partner’s basic comfort and safety.
“He would spend all our money on luxuries for himself and then complain that the heating bills were too high,” one survivor remembered. “He’d turn the thermostat off during the day while I was home, and he was out working, so I’d be freezing in the apartment.”
Another survivor explained: “In winter, he would make me ‘earn’ the right to turn on the heat. If I didn’t do exactly what he wanted, we’d sleep in a freezing house. I ended up getting pneumonia twice, but he still wouldn’t let me use the thermostat.”
Financial Control and Economic Deprivation
Financial abuse is a common tool in coercive control, where the abuser limits or denies their partner access to money. By controlling finances, the abuser ensures their partner cannot make independent decisions or escape the relationship. They may refuse to let their partner work, monitor every expenditure, or cut off access to shared accounts. This financial dependency reinforces the power dynamic and can make it nearly impossible for the victim to leave the abusive relationship.
A survivor revealed, “By the end, my ex was taking so much money that I was getting groceries from the food bank, and I lost around 25lbs skipping meals to stretch it for the kids.” Another person said, “My ex was a multi-millionaire and wouldn’t let me work and gave me a set amount for food every month.”
Stranded and Isolated
When abusers control how their partners get around – whether by taking away car keys, refusing to drive them places, or keeping them somewhere without buses or trains – they’re essentially cutting them off from the outside world. Without transportation, simple things like getting to doctor’s appointments, meeting friends, or visiting family become nearly impossible. This isolation makes it much harder for victims to maintain relationships or get help when they need it.
“He moved us to a rural area where the nearest store was five miles away,” one survivor shared. “Then he claimed we couldn’t afford two cars, so he took the only one we had to work. I was completely stranded at home with our toddler, no way to go anywhere or see anyone.”
Another survivor explained: “Whenever I needed to go somewhere important, like a doctor’s appointment, he’d promise to drive me. Then at the last minute, he’d say the car wasn’t working or he was too tired. After a while, I just stopped trying to make appointments or plans with anyone.”
Withholding Medical Care
Abusers may refuse their partner’s medical treatment, ignore their health concerns, or actively prevent them from accessing healthcare services. By denying medical care, the abuser puts the victim’s health and life at risk. This tactic not only exerts control over the individual’s physical well-being, but also conveys to the victim that their health and safety are at the mercy of the abuser.
One survivor explained, “I had a wound on my foot and the stitches burst open and my leg was turning purple from infection. My husband wouldn’t help me and instead, became furious that I’d put a movie on for our child to watch. I ended up driving myself to the hospital.” Another added, “He was worried the doctors would ask questions about my bruises, so he forbade me from getting checked out”.
Why Deprivation Is an Effective Tool of Control
Deprivation as a coercive control tactic works because it attacks the victim’s basic sense of safety and security. The lack of access to essentials like food, sleep, and medical care places a person in a constant state of distress, which weakens their resilience and makes them easier to control. Deprivation also erodes the victim’s self-worth and autonomy, as they begin to see themselves as undeserving or incapable of meeting their own needs without the abuser’s permission or assistance.
The invisible nature of deprivation makes it difficult for outsiders to detect. Unlike physical abuse, which can leave visible marks, deprivation often leaves no immediate signs, making it harder for an individual to prove their suffering or seek support. Friends, family members, or authorities may not realize that the lack of heat, food, or medical care is part of a deliberate campaign of control, allowing the abuse to continue unchecked.
Understanding the warning signs is essential for people in manipulative and toxic relationships and for those who suspect someone they know is experiencing coercive control. When someone is being denied basic needs like food, sleep, or the ability to move freely, they often feel trapped and ashamed, making it even harder to reach out for help. They might think there’s no other choice but to put up with it. That’s why it’s so important for friends and family to pay attention to the subtle signs. Watch for patterns – is someone becoming more isolated? Are they increasingly dependent on their partner for basic needs? Are they always exhausted or hungry? Sometimes these quiet signs of control can be easy to miss, but spotting them early can make all the difference in helping someone find their way to safety.
References
Crossman, K. A., Hardesty, J. L., & Raffaelli, M. (2016). “’He Could Scare Me Without Laying a Hand on Me’: Mothers’ Experiences of Nonviolent Coercive Control during Marriage and after Separation.” Violence Against Women, 22(4), 454–473.
Stark, E., & Hester, M. (2019). “Coercive Control: Update and Review.” Violence Against Women, 25(1), 81–104.
Featured Image: One of the most sinister methods of coercive control is the deprivation of basic needs. Source: StockPhotoPro / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
