Love bombing is a powerful tool used by abusers to hook someone into a relationship, creating an intoxicating blend of affection, attention, and validation that can feel almost too good to be true. By preying on natural human needs for love, connection, and acceptance, abusers establish a strong emotional bond before revealing their controlling or abusive tendencies. In this article, survivors recount their experiences of love bombing, offering valuable insights into how manipulation can masquerade as love.
The Allure of Love Bombing
At its core, love bombing taps into our innate desire to feel valued and connected. Abusers know how to identify vulnerabilities and use them to their advantage, presenting themselves as the perfect partner. In the early stages of the relationship, they appear attentive, generous, and deeply invested in creating a connection.
- “He cooked me good meals, gave me lots of kisses, and made me feel good and wanted. He wanted to go everywhere with me. Other than the food, the rest of it completely ceased later.”
- “He would bring me food almost every night. I wasn’t making ends meet, and he knew that. We spent every day together. At the time, I thought he must really love me to want to feed me and be with me every day. He used my vulnerabilities against me.”
These acts of kindness and generosity seem genuine at first, but they are often part of a calculated strategy to build dependency and emotional attachment.
Overwhelming Attention and Affection
Abusers often overwhelm their targets with affection and attention, making them feel like the center of the universe. This intense focus can feel intoxicating, especially for someone who has been craving love or validation.
- “He acted as though I was the most beautiful, amazing woman in the world. Lots of doting attention and care—being with me whenever he could. I felt so special to him. Then it all changed.”
- “He spent almost every day with me, took me on wonderful dates, and made me feel so special.”
This phase is often described as magical, but it’s actually just an act used to create emotional dependence, making it harder for the victim to leave when the relationship turns toxic.
Filling Emotional Gaps
Abusers are skilled at identifying unmet emotional needs and exploiting them to strengthen their hold over their partner. Whether it’s providing physical affection, financial support, or a sense of security, they position themselves as the solution to the victim’s struggles.
- “He was grooming me by touching me a lot and filling a need for physical affection I had no idea I was craving.”
- “I felt like he was the only person who understood me, who would put up with my flaws. I believed no one else would ever treat me that well. So when he emotionally abused me and blamed it on my behavior, I stayed. I thought it was my fault.”
- “He gave me a family, which he knew I needed.”
Love bombing works because it taps into our natural human needs for connection, validation, and security. It makes victims emotionally invested, so it’s difficult to recognize or resist the abuser’s later manipulative behavior.
Mirroring and Future Faking
Many survivors describe how abusers initially seemed to be ideal partners, sharing the same interests, goals, and values. This is often achieved through mirroring—pretending to like everything the victim enjoys—and future faking, where they make grand promises about the life they’ll build together.
- “He pretended to be everything I was looking for, and then bam—he wasn’t.”
- “He saw the book I was reading. Guess what? The next time he showed up at my job, he was reading the exact same book. He even held a private screening of a movie I’d been looking forward to for us. Looking back, it was just plain weird.”
- “He pretended to be like-minded when he was nothing like me at all.”
- “He made extravagant, wonderful plans for the future that he never intended to pursue. It was all a lie.”
These tactics create a sense of compatibility and excitement, making the victim feel as though they’ve found someone who truly understands and values them.
The Subtle Red Flags
While love bombing is often overwhelming in its intensity, there are usually subtle red flags that signal something isn’t quite right. Survivors often recall moments that, in hindsight, were clear warnings.
- “He would rabbit on about what a terrible life he’d had and how finding me changed everything.”
- “Right at the beginning, he literally said, ‘You’re on a pedestal, everyone loves you.’ He showed we were so compatible in hobbies, ambitions, passions, favorite foods, everything. Then he turned around and criticized or weaponized each one to grind me down.”
These red flags often go unnoticed in the glow of the initial love bombing, but they become clearer as the relationship progresses. As one survivor said, “They never start out abusive. You could spot that and leave right away. They start out charming, loving, attentive, etc. Then they sprinkle in controlling behavior over time.”
When The Mask Drops
Once the abuser feels they’ve secured their partner’s attachment, their behavior starts to change. The affection, attention, and kindness fade, revealing their true nature.
- “What struck me, many years later, was how in the beginning we had so much in common. He was reading a book I had just finished, and we talked about art and kindness. But after we got together, we had less and less in common. He didn’t really read, he was indifferent to art, and he wasn’t as kind as I thought. Looking back, I’ve wondered how much of the early stuff had been performative.”
- “Kind, caring, and generous. Holidays and gifts. It felt amazing—so different from my past relationships. But I discovered the whole relationship was a lie from the first year. He had cheated from the start.”
The withdrawal of affection and increase of devaluing behavior leaves a person confused, blaming themselves and trying to recapture the love they once felt.
Recognizing Love Bombing and Breaking Free
Understanding love bombing is the first step toward breaking free from its grip. If a relationship feels too good to be true or moves too quickly, it’s worth pausing to assess whether the attention and affection are genuine or a means of control.
Survivors often emphasize the importance of trusting your instincts and paying attention to red flags, even in the early stages of a relationship.
- “I don’t trust readily anymore. If a person is reluctant to answer simple questions or gets defensive too early, I take it as a red flag. I’ve learned to walk away before getting hurt.”
Recognizing love bombing for what it is—a form of manipulation—can empower individuals to set boundaries, seek support, and ultimately leave unhealthy relationships.
Trust Your Instincts
These experiences serve as a warning to others who may find themselves caught in a whirlwind romance that feels too good to be true. If you’ve experienced love bombing or suspect it’s happening in your relationship, trust your instincts. Abusers thrive on creating illusions, but with knowledge and support, you can break free.
Remember, love that is real and healthy doesn’t manipulate or control—it nurtures and empowers. Listen to the stories of those who have been there, and know that you deserve a partner that truly respects, loves, and values you.
Featured Image: Love bombing tactics are commonly used at the beginning of controlling relationships. Source: JJ Studio / Adobe Stock
* Quotes are drawn from survivor experiences shared publicly on the Shadows of Control Facebook and Twitter pages and have been lightly edited for spelling, grammar, or clarity.
