Abusive and controlling behavior is rarely an isolated incident. Instead, it typically follows a recurring cycle of highs and lows that can be hard for victims to recognize while they’re in it. A person experiencing abuse might find themselves trapped in a pattern where periods of conflict and affection alternate, leaving them feeling confused and torn between feeling cared for and hurt.
This cycle was conceptualized into four separate phases by Psychologist Dr. Lenore in her 1979 book The Battered Woman. While the model has evolved over time, it still provides a valuable framework for identifying and understanding what the cycle of abuse looks like.
If you are questioning your partner’s behaviour, please read on to learn how you can recognize the different stages of the cycle of abuse.
Phase 1 – The Tension-Building Phase
The initial phase of the cycle of abuse is marked by increasing tension. During this phase, an abusive partner may start to become angrier and more irritable, escalating small disagreements into bigger issues and, rather than addressing the source of their upset, taking their frustration out on you verbally or emotionally. They might start criticizing you more often, giving you the silent treatment, or becoming moody and distant, making you feel as though you’re walking on eggshells in attempt to prevent their outbursts.
Due to their unpleasant behaviours, you may find yourself trying to appease them by being extra accommodating, perhaps agreeing to things you usually wouldn’t or suppressing your own needs and feelings to cater to them. However, no matter what you do, the tension continues to build, which eventually leads to the so-called ‘incident’ phase.
Phase 2 – The Incident Phase
It is during the incident phase that abuse peaks, the controller lashes out and perpetrates a seriously damaging act of abuse over the victim. The abuse could be physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, or even financial. They might yell, insult you, break things, or in more extreme cases, resort to physical violence.
During this phase, a controlling partners behaviour is often extremely unpredictable and can catch you off guard. The incident could last minutes or stretch over hours, leaving you feeling extremely shocked and hurt. The sudden intensity of the abuse may make you question what you did to cause the explosion, even though it’s not your fault.
Phase 3 – The Honeymoon Phase
After the abusive incident, a controlling partner tends to switch gears, offering constant apologies and promising you that they’ll change. This is known as the honeymoon phase, as during this time your partner might shower you with affection, gifts, or kind words. They might beg for forgiveness, assuring you that their outburst was a one-time occurrence, that it won’t happen again, or even blame their behavior on stress, alcohol, or other external factors.
These manipulative behaviors can lead a victim to believe that their abuser truly regrets their actions, resulting in them feeling hopeful that the relationship will get better, things will change and that they don’t need to leave the relationship even after enduring horrendous abuse. It can be an emotionally confusing time because your partner might seem like the loving, caring person you fell in love with. Unfortunately, this phase is often temporary and is used by abusers to reset the cycle and keep you in the relationship.
Phase 4 – The Calm Phase
In some cases, there is a calm phase following the honeymoon. Here, your partner may seem on their best behavior, acting as if nothing happened, and engage in conflict-free interactions. This phase can feel like a relief after the previous tension and outbursts, and you might believe that the abuse is behind you.
However, more often than not, period of calm is short-lived. Over time, tension will begin to build again, and the cycle of abuse will repeat itself over and over again. The pattern of behaviors can make it difficult to leave because the good times during the honeymoon and calm phases can make you believe that things might truly change.
The Cycle of Abuse in Different Relationships
Whilst this model of abuse is very clear and informative, remember that abuse doesn’t look the same in every relationship. The cycle of abuse can manifest differently depending on the people involved and the type of abuse. In some relationships, there may be little to no honeymoon or calm phases. Instead, the tension-building and explosion phases may happen more frequently or without any breaks.
It is also important to remember that abuse can also take various forms, including physical violence, emotional manipulation, financial control, or verbal assaults. For example, your partner might not use physical force but could rely on constant belittling, isolation from your friends and family, or controlling your finances. Understanding that abuse takes many shapes is crucial in recognizing the patterns in your own situation.
Furthermore, even though Dr. Lenore’s model provides an illuminative account of the cycle of abuse, there have been some notable some concerns with it in that it may perhaps lead to victim-blaming. As highlighted by Crystal Raypole in her article Understanding the Cycle of Abuse, the idea that abuse always follows the same cycle can lead outsiders, abusers, and even survivors to misplace the blame for the abuse. It could cause people to conclude that the victim plays a role in perpetuating the cycle. However, this is never the case. This perspective fails to consider the psychological, emotional, and sometimes financial control that keeps victims trapped.
Leaving an Abusive Relationship
The truth is, leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly complex. Abusers often create an environment of dependency, fear, and manipulation that makes escape seem impossible. Victims may stay because of fear for their safety, concern for their children, financial insecurity, or even because they still love their partner and believe the promises of change.
If you suspect your partner is perpetrating any abusive behaviours, it’s important to understand that the abuse is not your fault. Abusive partners aim to keep you trapped in the cycle, making it difficult to leave even when you recognize the harm.
If you feel ready to seek help or need support, consider reaching out to trusted friends, family members, or professional organizations that specialize in domestic violence. They can offer guidance, resources, and a listening ear. It can also be helpful to create a safety plan, which includes identifying safe places to go, having important documents ready, and developing a support system in case you need to leave the relationship suddenly. Remember, you deserve to be in a relationship in which you feel safe, respected, and valued.
References
Raypole, Crystal (2020). Understanding the Cycle of Abuse. Healthline.
Walker, Lenore (1979). The Battered Woman. Harper & Row
Featured image: Cycle of abuse. Source: Kawee / Adobe Stock.
