Domestic abuse is a complex and multifaceted issue that is often misunderstood. Many people hold misconceptions about what domestic abuse looks like and how it operates within a relationship. These myths not only obscure the reality of abuse but can also prevent victims from recognizing their situation or seeking help.
From assuming abuse is only physical to believing that it’s easy to leave an abuser, these widespread beliefs minimize the true nature of abuse and the barriers that victims face. Addressing the misconceptions is critical to supporting survivors and creating a more informed, compassionate understanding of domestic abuse.
On the Shadows of Control Facebook page, I reached out to domestic abuse survivors to share some of the most common misconceptions and misinformed beliefs they encountered from others. Based on their responses, I’ve gathered ten of the most widespread domestic abuse myths, along with explanations that debunk these misunderstandings.
1. Domestic Abuse Is Only Physical
One of the most enduring myths about domestic abuse is that it only involves physical violence. However, survivors emphasize that emotional, psychological, and financial abuse are just as damaging, if not more so. One survivor explained, “Domestic abuse often doesn’t leave a bruise, but it’s no less insidious, nor less dangerous.” Abuse can take many forms, and it’s crucial to understand that someone can be a victim without visible injuries.
2. It’s Easy to Leave
Many people mistakenly believe that leaving an abusive partner is a simple choice. Survivors know all too well that abusers use tactics like emotional blackmail, isolation, and threats to keep their partners from leaving. One survivor shared, “It’s not just about walking away—abusers weave a web of fear, guilt, and dependency that makes leaving feel like an impossible escape.” Abusers often manipulate victims into believing they can’t survive without them, making it feel impossible to break free.
3. The Abuse Stops After You Leave
Another widespread misconception is that the abuse ends once the victim leaves. Survivors often experience post-separation abuse, where the abuser escalates their efforts to control, whether through financial manipulation, custody battles, or stalking. One survivor reflected on this saying, “The abuse didn’t end after I left—it got worse. He used the children to hurt me.”
4. Only Men Are Abusers
While men make up the majority of abusers, women can also be perpetrators of domestic abuse. One male survivor shared, “When it’s a woman doing it to a man, people often assume he must have done something to deserve it. But abuse is abuse, regardless of gender.” This myth can make it harder for male victims to seek help and be believed.
5. You’ll Recognize Abuse When It Happens
Abuse isn’t always immediate or obvious. Abusers often start subtly, with small controlling behaviors that escalate over time. One survivor noted, “Abusers don’t walk up and assault a person on the first date. It’s subtle and happens over time.” Many victims don’t realize they are being abused until they are deeply entangled in the relationship.
6. Financial Independence Prevents Abuse
Survivors were quick to dispel the notion that financial independence can prevent abuse. Abuse is about power and control, not money. Even financially independent individuals can be trapped in emotionally or psychologically abusive relationships. As one survivor put it, “I was successful in my career, but that didn’t stop him from controlling every other aspect of my life.”
7. Children Are Only Witnesses to Abuse
Children are profoundly impacted by domestic abuse, even if they aren’t the direct targets. This means they are also victims of domestic abuse and not just witnesses of it. One survivor explained, “Abusers use the children to hurt you, and the trauma for them is just as real.” Domestic abuse can cause long-lasting emotional and psychological scars on children, making it vital to challenge the belief that staying together for the children’s sake is the best option.
8. It’s the Victim’s Fault for Staying
Victims of abuse are often unfairly blamed for staying in their relationships. This myth ignores the complex dynamics of manipulation, fear, and coercion that keep victims trapped. One survivor shared, “He convinced me that I was nothing without him, and leaving felt impossible. People don’t realize how deep the control runs.” The abuser’s tactics are often so sophisticated that the victim feels like there’s no escape.
9. You’ll Feel Immediate Relief After Leaving
Leaving an abusive relationship is just the first step in a long and painful recovery process. One survivor explained, “I thought leaving would fix everything, but the emotional and psychological scars stayed with me. It takes time to heal.” Post-separation abuse and trauma can prolong the healing process, making it important to provide ongoing support to survivors.
10. Abusers Are Easy to Spot
Many people assume that abusers are outwardly cruel to everyone around them, but often, they maintain a charming and likable persona in public. This facade makes it difficult for others to see them as an abuser and believe the victim’s experiences. One survivor highlighted this by saying, “People think abusers are scary to everyone, but they’re often charming to the outside world. That’s what makes it so hard to get people to believe you.”
Conclusion
Myths about domestic abuse are not only damaging but also prevent survivors from seeking the help and support they need. These false beliefs perpetuate victim-blaming and can make it more difficult for society to recognize the many forms abuse can take. By listening to survivors and understanding their experiences, we can break down these harmful myths and create a more supportive environment for those affected by abuse.
Featured image: Myths about domestic abuse. Source: Prathankarnpap / Adobe Stock.
