No relationship is perfect and when one or both partners are dealing with stress, it is not uncommon for there to be arguing, shouting, name-calling and criticism. So how can you tell whether the difficulties you are facing in your relationship are normal, or whether you are being emotionally abused?
In her book, The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing, internationally recognized therapist, Beverly Engel, outlines several criteria that distinguishes normal conflict from emotional abuse. These include whether it is constant, as opposed to occasional; whether the intent is to devalue, denigrate, control, or dominate; and whether there is an overall attitude of disrespect toward you.
“A wife who occasionally complains that her husband doesn’t make enough money isn’t necessarily being emotionally abusive,” Engel writes. “But if she constantly tells him he is stupid, lazy, and a failure because he does not make enough money, she is being abusive” (Engel, 2002, p. 39).
Signs You are Being Emotionally Abused
If you suspect that you are being emotionally abused, read through this check list and consider whether any of these factors apply to your relationship.
- Your partner imposes rules you must follow or micromanages aspects of your daily life, such as what clothes you wear, what you eat, what hobbies you have, what work or study you do.
- You feel as if your partner treats you like a child.
- Your partner constantly corrects and chastises you.
- You ask permissions before going somewhere or making minor decisions.
- Your partner makes decisions that affect you without discussing them with you first.
- You access to finances or the way you spend money is tightly controlled even though your partner spends freely on themselves.
- You are treated as though you are inferior or not good enough.
- Your partner compares you to others who are more intelligent, more educated, more fashionable, or ‘better’ than you in one way or another.
- You are regularly insulted, dismissed, criticized or degraded.
- Your partner does not respect your need for privacy and repeatedly crosses your boundaries.
- Your partner monitors your communications, activity, or location.
- You feel as though your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings don’t matter.
- You hide what you think or feel because you are afraid of your partner’s reaction.
- Your partner belittles your successes, aspirations, or plans for the future, or trivializes what is important to you.
- Your partner demands obedience and orders you around.
- Your partner plays mind games and deliberately does things to confuse you.
- You feel intimidated, bullied, or harassed by your partner.
- Your partner has double standards.
- Your partner denies things they did or makes you feel that you are imagining things or recalling things incorrectly.
- Your partner gets frustrated or angry when you are sick or injured.
- Your partner will argue a point for so long that you become exhausted and relent.
- Your partner constantly demands your time and attention.
- Your partner twists your words and uses them against you.
- You find yourself ‘walking on eggshells’ and being careful not to upset your partner.
- You carefully monitor your partner’s mood before bringing up a subject.
- Your partner emotionally blackmails you or threatens to reveal personal information about you to others.
- You have become isolated from family and friends because your partner criticizes them, discourages contact, becomes jealous, or embarrasses you in front of them.
- Your partner withdraws affection or gives you the silent treatment when they are upset with you.
- Your partner tries to undermine or sabotage your relationship with your child or children.
- Your partner lacks empathy and compassion with you.
- Your partner uses guilt trips or shaming to get their way.
- Your partner feels they are always right and regularly insists on getting their own way
- Your partner tells you that you are too demanding when you ask for things and you feel guilty when you express your needs within the relationship.
- You regularly feel misunderstood by your partner.
- Your partner accuses you of flirting or cheating on them.
- Your partner threatens to end the relationship or threatens self-harm or suicide if you don’t do what they want.
- Your partner says things to upset or frighten you.
- Your partner’s gifts or gestures come with conditions or expectations of reciprocity.
- You feel that you can never please your partner and that nothing you do is right.
- Your partner has frequent mood changes and can become easily enraged.
- Your partner regularly insults your or makes fun of you in front of others.
- You feel that you have to earn your partner’s affection or approval.
- Your partner blames you for their own problems, feelings, or behavior.
- Your partner rarely apologizes or admits when they are wrong.
- Your partner pressures you to do things you are not comfortable with.
If half or more of these apply to your relationship, you are definitely being emotionally abused. However, if even a few of these features are present in your relationship, you may still be being emotionally abused.
“More than anything else, what characterizes an emotionally abusive relationship is a consistent pattern of hurtful, humiliating, and condescending behavior,” explains Engel (2002, p. 17).
Similarly, Brian Davenport, in his book Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship defines emotional abuse as “an ongoing pattern (not a one-off occurrence) of behavior and words meant to systematically diminish and confuse you” (Davenport, 2016, p. 7)
Realizing That You Are Being Emotionally Abused
Davenport (2016) explains that it is common for victims of emotional abuse to be confused about whether their partner’s behavior really is abusive.
“They know something is off. They know they’re in a lot of pain. But all too often, victims are reticent to call what’s happening in their relationship “abuse,” writes Davenport (2016, p. 1). “In fact, they are quick to blame themselves for their partner’s behaviors, or they look for logical reasons why this person who was once loving and kind (and may still be from time to time) can behave so hurtfully.”
Recognizing and acknowledging emotional abuse is the first, vital step towards reclaiming your life and well-being. Accepting that the person you love can be an abuser is painful, but it opens the door to healing and recovery.
By understanding the signs and patterns of emotional abuse, you can make informed decisions about your future, seek the necessary support, and start to rebuild your sense of self-worth and independence. Taking action, whether it involves setting boundaries, seeking professional help, or leaving the relationship, empowers you to break free from the cycle of abuse and move towards a healthier, happier future.
References
Davenport, B. (2016). Signs of Emotional Abuse: How to Recognize the Patterns of Narcissism, Manipulation, and Control in Your Love Relationship.
Engel, B. 2002. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing. John Wiley & Sons, Hoboken, New Jersey.
Featured image: Are you being emotionally abused? Source: oatawa / Adobe Stock.
