Leaving an abusive relationship is an incredibly challenging step, and abusers often use a variety of manipulative tactics to try and lure you back in. Understanding these strategies can empower you to recognize and resist these attempts. Here are eight common tactics abusers use to make you go back to the relationship.
1. Hoovering
Named after the vacuum cleaner, hoovering refers to your abuser’s attempt to “suck” you back into the relationship. This can involve exaggerated displays of affection, apologies, and promises to change. Your abuser may send flowers, write heartfelt letters, or make grand gestures of love.
When I left my husband, he gave me a cake with a romantic message on top; he had a song composed for me; he bought me flowers; and he gave me a 9-hour video montage of photos of our life together. According to the Cleveland Clinic, hoovering is designed to evoke memories of good times and create hope for a better future, making you doubt your decision to leave.
2. Blackmail
Blackmail is another powerful tool in your abuser’s arsenal. They may threaten to reveal embarrassing or damaging information about you if you do not return. This could include private photos, secrets, or any personal information that could harm your reputation or relationships. The goal is to instill fear and coerce you into compliance.
If your abuser has threatened to do this, it might help to inform yourself about the laws in your country. For instance, laws around cyberstalking, harassment, defamation, and coercive control can provide legal protections and prevent your abuser from releasing private information.
3. Threats of Suicide
Your abuser may threaten to harm themselves as a way to manipulate you into staying or returning. This tactic plays on your empathy and fear, making you feel responsible for their well-being. Suicide threats are a form of emotional blackmail intended to exert control and prevent you from leaving permanently.
My husband also used this strategy when I left him. It was extremely hard going through the first night away from him when he was telling me he was having panic attacks and suicidal thoughts, and wouldn’t survive the night. Read what to do if your abuser threatens suicide.
4. Manipulation and Guilt
Abusers are skilled at manipulating your emotions, particularly guilt. They might claim that the breakup has devastated them, their health is suffering, or they cannot function without you. Statements like “I can’t live without you” or “You’re ruining my life” are common. Mine even claimed I was causing physical and emotional harm to his elderly parents due to the shock of me leaving our marriage. These tactics aim to make you feel responsible for their misery and guilty for causing harm.
5. Controlling Finances
Control over finances is a significant method abusers use to keep you dependent. After a breakup, your abuser might withhold money, cut off access to bank accounts, or refuse to pay child support. This financial manipulation makes it difficult for you to become independent and can pressure you to return out of economic necessity.
During my marriage, my husband and I co-owned a company where he served as the CEO. After I left him, he significantly reduced my salary while increasing his own. Additionally, he used company funds for his personal expenses and extravagant holidays and gifts for our son. Despite being a co-owner of the company, I did not receive any of the same benefits. These actions were intended to place me under financial strain and compel me to return to him out of necessity.
6. Playing the Victim
Abusers often portray themselves as the true victims in the relationship. They might tell mutual friends and family that you are the one who caused the breakup or behaved abusively. This tactic is designed to garner sympathy and support from others, isolating you and making you feel misunderstood. By playing the victim, your abuser hopes to pressure you into returning to “set things right.”
7. Threats to Take Away Children
Threatening to take the children away is a particularly effective form of manipulation. Your abuser may claim they will seek full custody, move to another location with the children, or accuse you of being an unfit parent. These threats play on your love for your children and fear of losing them, making it a powerful coercion tool. This was another tactic my husband tried to make me go back to him. He told me that if I challenged him, he would deny everything, lie about me, and get our child taken away from me.
8. Threats to Your Safety
One of the most terrifying tactics abusers use to make you go back is instilling fear for your safety. Your abuser may threaten violence against you, your children, loved ones, or even pets. These threats can be explicit, such as direct threats of harm, or implicit, through displaying violent behavior. The fear of potential harm can be so overwhelming that you may feel you have no choice but to return, believing it is the only way to protect yourself and your loved ones.
How to Avoid Going Back
Understanding these manipulative tactics is crucial for anyone trying to break free from an abusive relationship. Recognizing these behaviors for what they are—strategies to regain control—can help you resist the pressure to return. Here are some steps you can take to avoid going back:
- Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with people you can talk to when you feel tempted to return.
- Create a Safety Plan: Develop steps to protect yourself and your children.
- Remind Yourself Why You Left: Write a note to yourself about why you chose to leave and read it whenever you feel unsure.
- Work to Gain Financial Independence: Seek ways to become financially self-sufficient.
- Get Professional Support: Reach out to therapists, counselors, and support groups specialized in domestic abuse.
Navigating the aftermath of leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, especially when your abuser employs a range of manipulative tactics to make you go back to them. It’s crucial to remember that these strategies are designed to regain control over you. By staying informed and prepared, you can uphold your decision to leave and move towards a healthier and more secure future.
References
Cleveland Clinic (2023). What is Hoovering? 7 Signs and How to Handle it.
Flannery, S. (2023). What to Do If an Abuser Threatens Suicide. Domestic Shelters.
Mandriota, M. (2021). How to Leave an Abusive Relationship and Not Go Back. PsychCentral.
Featured image: Abusers use tactics to make their partners return. Source: oreans / Adobe Stock.
