Post-separation abuse is a form of coercive control that continues after a relationship has ended. Abusers use various tactics to maintain power over you, causing significant emotional, psychological, and sometimes physical harm. Understanding these tactics can help you recognize the signs and seek help.
1. Threats
Threats are a common tactic used by abusers to instill fear and maintain control. These can include threats to harm you, your pets, or your possessions. Abusers may also threaten to destroy your reputation by sharing private information about you. Or, they may say that they will destroy you financially. In some cases, threats extend to harming themselves, such as threatening suicide, to manipulate you emotionally. Abusive individuals will frequently act on their threats so victims need to take everything they say very seriously.
2. Smear Campaign
Abusers often start smear campaigns, spreading false and disparaging information about you to friends, family, colleagues, or online communities. This tactic aims to isolate you by turning your support network against you. It is also their way to get revenge and to reestablish power and dominance over you. The spread of rumors and lies can cause significant emotional distress and damage your reputation, making it harder for you to seek support.
3. Stalking and Harassment
Stalking and harassment are serious forms of post-separation abuse. This can include excessive calls, emails, or texts, putting tracking devices on your vehicle, or showing up uninvited at your social or work events. Some abusers go as far as hiring private investigators or monitoring your social media accounts to keep tabs on you. These actions create a constant sense of fear and intrusion in your life. In addition, stalking and harassing behaviors are a warning sign of escalation and should always be taken seriously.
4. Financial Abuse
Financial abuse post-separation can be devastating. Abusers may block your access to joint bank accounts, credit cards, or refuse to pay child support. Some manipulate the system by working cash-in-hand jobs to minimize child support payments. Refusing to pay bills or sabotaging your employment opportunities are other common tactics. This financial control can leave you struggling to meet basic needs.
5. Legal Abuse
Abusers often use the legal system to harass and control you. This can involve filing frivolous lawsuits, drawing out court proceedings, or using custody battles to drain your resources and energy. Legal abuse can be a prolonged and costly tactic, often leading to significant financial and emotional stress for you. It is not uncommon for abusers to inflict legal abuse over many years post-separation.
6. Portraying You as Mentally Unstable
Abusers will often try to portray their former partners as mentally unstable. This is a way for them to gain control over you or win custody battles. It also enables them to feel better about the fact that you have left them. Toxic individuals will use gaslighting techniques to create a false narrative, making you doubt your own sanity. This manipulation can lead to you losing parenting time or being viewed negatively by others, including the courts. In extreme cases, abusers have gone as far as having their partner involuntarily admitted to psychiatric facilities under false pretenses.
7. False Accusations
False accusations are another common tactic. Abusers might, for example, file false reports of child abuse or neglect. If you have withheld your childre from your abuser because you think they are in danger of being harmed, the abuser may accuse you of parental alienation. These allegations can result in legal battles and investigations, further traumatizing you and potentially affecting your relationship with your children.
8. Abusive Parenting
Abusive parenting by a former partner can take many insidious forms, all aimed at undermining your relationship with your children. One common tactic is counter-parenting, where the abuser deliberately disrupts the child’s routine and schedule that you have set. This can include allowing the child to stay up late, neglecting homework, or letting them skip important activities.
The abuser might also spoil the child with gifts or permissive behavior to win their favor, creating a divide between you and your child. This type of manipulation can lead to the child becoming confused about boundaries and expectations, which further strains your relationship with them.
Another form of abusive parenting involves undermining your authority and rules. The abuser might tell the children that your rules are unnecessary or unfair, encouraging them to rebel against you. They might also engage in verbal or emotional abuse, such as making derogatory remarks about you in front of the children, or questioning your parenting decisions to them directly.
In extreme cases, the abuser might engage in physical or sexual abuse, putting the children at serious risk of harm. This abusive behavior not only damages the child’s well-being but also deepens the emotional trauma for you as a parent.
9. Manipulative Behavior and Emotional Abuse
Manipulative behavior and emotional abuse frequently continue post-separation. Abusers may use guilt, gaslighting, or emotional blackmail to maintain control. They might make you feel guilty for leaving, shift the blame for the abuse onto you, and use emotional manipulation to keep you entangled in their web of control. An abuser may also use emotional abuse to try to make you return to the relationship.
10. Violence
Violence is the most extreme form of post-separation abuse. Abusers may act on their threats, causing physical harm or even committing murder. The risk of intimate partner homicide is highest in the first three months after separation. You must take threats seriously and seek help to protect yourself and your loved ones.
Dealing with Post-Separation Abuse
The end of the relationship does not always mean the end of the abuser’s control and manipulation. Instead, this period can often be the most dangerous and challenging. Dealing with post-separation abuse requires a complex approach to ensure your safety and well-being. By understanding the tactics used by abusers and taking proactive measures, you can protect yourself and your loved ones.
Develop a Safety Plan – Create a detailed safety plan that includes strategies for protecting yourself and your loved ones. This plan should address various scenarios. For example, plan what you would do if your partner turned up at your house and wouldn’t leave. Your plan should include clear steps to take in case of immediate danger. Think about who you could contact and where you would go. Avoid being alone with your ex-partner even if they have never been physically abusive before.
Protecting Children – If you are concerned about your child or children’s welfare, immediate action should be taken to ensure their safety. This might include reporting your ex-partner to social services or obtaining a court-ordered welfare assessment. Documenting instances of abuse and obtaining mental health support, such as play therapy, will help to ensure their well-being. Developing a strong support network and close collaboration with schools will also help to safeguard your children.
Establish Boundaries – Set and enforce strict boundaries with your abusive partner. Eliminate contact or limit it to essential communication, especially if you have children and need to co-parent. Keeping interactions brief and focused on logistics can reduce opportunities for manipulation.
Seek Support – Engage with your community, friends, family, and professional services for support. Counseling, support groups, and legal advisors can provide valuable assistance and help you navigate this challenging time.
Document Everything – Keep detailed records of all incidents of abuse, including dates, times, and descriptions of events. This documentation can be crucial in legal proceedings and for obtaining protective orders.
Obtain Legal Advice – Consult with a lawyer to explore your options, such as restraining orders and custody arrangements. Legal advice can help you understand your rights and the best steps to take to protect yourself. Coercive control, stalking, and domestic violence laws vary between countries, but in some cases, you may be able to file criminal charges. Some countries provide a court advocacy service where a trained professional can accompany you to court.
Protecting financial resources – try to get greater financial independence by establishing separate accounts as soon as possible. Seeking legal support can help secure child support payments and the fair division of assets. In some countries, financial aid is available specifically for survivors of domestic abuse, providing a crucial lifeline during the transition. Obtaining a copy of your credit report is also important to understand all credit cards and loans associated with your name, ensuring no unauthorized accounts impact your financial stability moving forward.
Focus on Self-Care – Take time to care for yourself and engage in activities that empower you and build your confidence. Prioritizing your well-being is essential for recovery and maintaining your strength.
Dealing with post-separation abuse requires a high level of awareness, support, and proactive measures. It is a long journey, and you will need to do everything you can to look after your own well-being throughout this process. By recognizing post-separation abuse tactics and taking appropriate steps, you can work towards regaining control of your life and ensuring your safety.
References
Aronson Fonges, L. (2022). 7 Common Post-Separation Abuse Tactics. Psychology Today.
Thurrott, S. (2023). How to Protect Yourself from Post-Separation Abuse. Domesticshelters.org.
Townsend, Z. Understanding and Overcoming Post Separation Abuse: Strategies for Survivors. Pro Legal Care.
Featured image: Stop post-separation abuse. Source: fizkes / Adobe Stock.
